It's amazing the crap that I come up with in-between a day filled of... well, let's just say that like comedy, telecom isn't pretty...
-- I would define "awkward" in Facebook terms as being added as a friend by an important business partner and taking 3-4 days deciding if you want to accept, going back and forth on accepting or not as you freak out that your stupid pictures from various parties that people have tagged of you will be exposed, but then deciding to just add them anyway and face the music. So you accept their invite and then when you look at their wall, all you see are various animals and vegetables from their extensive Farmtown or whatever that thing's called.
-- What an end to baseball's regular season. A playoff game, Detroit vs. Minnesota, extra innings and walk-off win. Hating the Yankees, I wanted to see the Twins win it since they probably the have the best chance to be least embarrassed (c'mon people, the Yankees have this series won as much as I hate to admit it) but was pulling for Detroit because that city has had a hell of a, well, fifty years.
-- I just bought a 50" HDTV and I immediately had buyer's remorse... not because of the price but because I now realize that the crap that's on TV will now be shown in my house in bigger picture and nicer quality.
-- I think one of the biggest bait-and-switch schemes of all time was the Atari version of Pac-Man. All of us over the age of 30 at one point went to an arcade and pumped quarters into Pac-Man. And it was AWESOME... little dots, multi-colored ghosts and even floating fruits. Then we all got Ataris, or know someone who had one, and instead of pumping quarters into the arcade, out comes the Atari Pac-Man. So we begged our parents to fork over the $50 for the cartridge and we would take it home and rip it open and turn it on... and it looked NOTHING like the game... eating the pellets sounded like the word "thong" and the color scheme was this hideous light blue and even the fruit looked like asteroids. Yet it was fun. I bet no one went back to the store to return it. Brilliant... then again, where is Atari now?
-- Speaking of which, I have to go on the record to say that I never "flipped" an Atari arcade game. That was one of the things in school that made you instantly cool. "Hey did you hear about Doug? He flipped Defender...scored 2 million points." And then you would go to Doug and he'd bashfully acknowledge it and say "yeah it was easy" but would never reveal how they did it or they would speak in "Atari tongues" which was basically like "well you have to go all the way under the thing on the right and then hold down the button and then go down to the bottom through that little exit thing and go back and forth up and down and then the thing will, um, flip and you'd get a free guys and points and stuff." And you somehow understood yet had no idea what he was talking about, probably because he was full of shit. But Doug would go through school being known as the "kid who flipped Defender". Well that, and the guy who got promoted to assistant fry cook later in life.
-- I'm full of segues today (which is better than what I'm usually full of): If I were developing video games-- and you all should be happy that I do not do this if you've ever seen me try and play one-- I would develop a game called "Sports Fan". The premise is simple: you are a sports fan and you have to do things you think are basic but are actually quite hard. The easy levels would include walking down stairs without tripping, ordering a beer and popcorn at a minor league ball game and being to pay for them within 4 seconds AND lift the beer and popcorn and walk away without spilling either, and progress up to the hardest level which is buying two beers and a bag of obligatory peanuts at Fenway park in the top of the 7th inning, finding the shortest line, paying for them and then walking back to you seat balancing both beers and somehow that bag of peanuts under your armpit, up 42 rows of steps, ducking in and out of thousands of inebriated fans and little kids who seem to navigate in "stealth" mode, and not spill your beer AND not drop the bag of peanuts. Oh, and you'd lose points on every second of the game you miss. Laugh all you want but I think I'm onto something here.
-- You can all argue this but a sure sign that you are getting older is when you realize that when you leave someone (non-business) a message, you say that you "got the machine" or "left a message on their answering machine" rather than "voicemail". It used to be when you referred to CD's as "albums" but the Ipod pretty much killed that.
-- My plan to make millions is to develop the perfect salsa jar/container/bowl that doesn't leave your knuckles covered in salsa as you attempt to scoop salsa out halfway. Sure, you can dump it in a bowl, but why couldn't it just come that way?
-- One of the worst parts about NESN are the ridiculous commercials that they replay over and over. In my opinion the 3 worst ones are (in no order): the Olympia sports one with the loser that looks like every single guy who wants to pick a fight with you at a bar driving a cab; the Sullivan Tire commercial with (presumably) Mr. Sullivan in his white-hair mullet and thick accent trying to concentrate intently on his lines while petting a child and feeding a dog; and anything by Bob's Furniture. Bob's has always been the worst of the bunch since not only does he look like an enormous pain in the ass just by his appearance and voice alone but now he's added his blonde "Bobbette" who nods and mirrors everything Bob says in a whinier, female voice. The sexual tension is non-existent since it's clear Bobbette ain't rolling around on the Bob-O-Pedic anytime soon but the enthusiasm that they have by sitting on their ass in a barker lounger while pulling down a hidden compartment that includes a cooler, drink tray, reading light, toaster oven, sewing machine and whatever else sort of crap they can build in their crappy furniture not only makes me inexplicably angry but really, really makes me want to have one.
-- A nice part about the Bruins coming back on NESN, however, is the return of Kathryn Tappen. I'm surprised that not only does she still sport her Carol Brady-like bob-and-weave hairdo but that the same guys who came up with those clever t-shirts outside of Fenway and the Garden hasn't made a "I'd Tappen That!" t-shirt yet.
-- Speaking of the Bruins, if I worked in their marketing department, I would advertise the Bruins on NESN as "Jon and Kate Plus 8? Oh yeah? Well Zdeno Chara plus 12!!" I would also allocate myself lots of free tickets and then promptly resign since that slogan would be the best I could do.
-- Who are these people who write online reviews about HDTVs? I made the mistake of reading various reviews on Cnet, Best Buy, etc., and after doing so, would hope that I would prove that I am so happy with my TV purchase that the last thing I would think of would be sitting at my computer and writing a two page report on how much I love my TV. ... ok, ok, I found them useful. But still.
-- The over/under on the number of food items in a refrigerator that any unmarried man living alone would have is 6. I will admit that after much ridicule by my girlfriend and the fact that she was winning mucho dinero betting the over on this bet, I ended up throwing away all items that had expired (after guilt set in of giving away the non-perishable expired food to the homeless). However, it seems that I missed the freezer items and parts of the cupboard so I just for kicked I ended up making a box of Matarain's "Dirty Rice" which was manufactured before Hurricane Katrina swept through New Orleans and added the frozen beef that had a sell-by date of-- I am not making this up-- July 7, 2006. And it was... pretty good. I'm sure I'll pay for it tomorrow morning, if you know what I mean, but perhaps it's just part of the whole food industry conspiracy.
-- And speaking of the food conspiracy theory, why is it that something artificial and processed costs more than something 100% natural or organic? If you look at the ingredients of the artificial stuff, there are chemicals and preservatives that just have to cost a lot of money to make. No need to answer this question or ponder it any longer since I really don't care, but just thought I would throw it out there.
-- And speaking of artificial flavors, I was trying to think of which artificial flavors actually taste better than the real thing. I figured the answer is... just about everything. I thought strawberry would have the highest appeal versus its a real strawberry but now I'm thinking blueberry. I separated orange skittles I ate not too long ago and while they tasted like tart St. Joseph's aspirins, I still preferred the taste over an orange.
-- And speaking of orange, I just read somewhere that no words rhyme with the word "orange" which leads me to wonder how that name. It almost wants me want to name my daughter, should I ever have one, "Florange". Then I can introduce her as having the same name as the only word that rhymes with "orange". Well, I can introduce her to the people I meet as I wait in-between her frequent and intense therapy appointments if I do that. HA
-- And speaking of therapy, I have to wonder where some of these thoughts come from, and on that note, I'll quit while I'm behind.
Mike
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It's that time... Robo's NFL Prognostications!
As the sun sets a little earlier and rises a little later, when leaves here in New England begin to turn color and the air conditioner doesn't get much use, it usually means two things: it's nearly autumn and it's time for my annual NFL predictions, prognostications and, since I usually write this around Labor Day weekend, procrastinations.
As the Red Sox dwindle in the Wild Card race (tonight's lineup in the 8th inning featured such "studs" as Chris Woodword, Joey "Willie Mays Hays" Gathright and some guy named Dusty Baker that looked like Sam Merlotte from "True Blood"), football season arrives this Thursday. It seems like just yesterday we were watching the Steelers play the Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl and thinking "why are they called the Cardinals when they are in Arizona and there isn't a Cardinal within 1000 miles of the state? I guess the same reason that the Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Lakers exist."
But enough of my needless yakking. Time for some semi-constructive yakking and blah-blahing as I look into my crystal ball and see the future of the 2009 NFL season... or perhaps I'm just looking at my backside and pulling this out of my ass. Same difference.
Again, I say this each year (and to verify this yet again I am cutting and pasting these four disclaimers from last year's blog post), please note the following:
1. If you use my picks to make bets, you're an idiot. I have an uncanny knack of making a lot of bad picks.
2. If you read that above sentence carefully, this should tell you how to bet on my picks if you're idiotic enough to do so. For those who are slow, the words are "against them".
3. I pick a "sleeper" every year and more often than not I am right. Note that the sleeper doesn't really win anything big but comes in much higher than the so-called "pros" project.
4. I just do this for fun. Like my baseball predictions this year (and last), don't take it too seriously.
So how did I do last year? After I right in my predictions I will put who I picked in the spot last year and whether I was right or wrong:
NFC East:
1. Philadelphia. Something tells me that after all of the Michael Vick "who let the dogs out" stuff ends, what should emerge will be a very good football team. Last year: Dallas (wrong)
2. Dallas. New stadium and cool video board. This has nothing to do with the fact that I am picking them second. I am picking them second because I really think they're going to do poorly and whenever I think this, they win. So there.. Last year: Philadelphia (right)
3. NY Giants. Throw HIM the damn ball! Who? Exactly. Last year: Giants (wrong)
4. Washington. As I say every year, as long as Daniel Snyder has anything to do with this team, I will pick them last. Last year: Washington (right)
NFC South:
1. New Orleans. I've picked them first two years in a row and for the last two years they have not responded. I don't care. Brees is good and I think that this is the year. Last year: New Orleans (wrong)
2. Carolina. I will admit, I know very little about this team nor do I care too much about them. Still, they usually find some way to win. Last year: Tampa Bay (wrong)
3. Atlanta. Matt Ryan surprised me last year and the Falcons made the playoffs. This year the Falcons' opponents are going to do what most BC student's don't: study. Sorry Matt. Last year: Carolina (wrong)
4. Tampa Bay. These are not your father's Buccaneers. Oh wait... they ARE your father's Buccaneers. Too bad for Tampa Bay. Last year: Atlanta (once again I picked the team to finish last to finish first).
NFC North:
1. Chicago. They pulled off a great trade with Denver and are flying under the radar because of the whole Favre BS. I like them this year. Last year: Green Bay (wrong)
2. Green Bay. Very quietly I think Green Bay is going to have a good year. Last year: Minnesota (wrong)
3. Minnesota. All of the focus is on Favre. I think he'll do OK however last year he had a full pre-season and fizzled after 12 games. This year he had half of a pre-season. Um, not good. Last year: Green Bay (wrong)
4. Detroit. Rebuilding since 1950... I really really really was going to pick Detroit to finish third. I just couldn't do it. Last year: Minnesota (wrong)
NFC West:
1. Arizona. Weak division and even though they turned it on last year, these ARE the Cardinals. Still, I guess the tallest midget in this division wins by default. Last year: Seattle (I picked Julius Jones to have a monster year. Whoops.).
2. San Francisco. Making the wild card! No, seriously. Last year: Arizona
3. Seattle. I really was on the fence picking them higher but then I did an analysis on this team and while I will give them a few more wins for not having a lame duck coach, the fact remains that this team sucks. Last year: St. Louis (wrong).
4. St. Louis. There is a song called "Meet me in St. Louis". This may be told to the #1 pick next year. Last year: San Francisco (wrong).
In case you think I just suck as predicting the NFC, you're half right. Here are my AFC predictions and last year's results:
AFC East:
1. Miami. Yes, I am a Patriots fan. And yes, I do not like the Seymour trade. However I did not pick Miami to finish ahead of New England after this. I just think that they lost too much depth on the defense and Miami has the fire to win, and go further than they did last year. Last year: NE (wrong)
2. New England. Well, they DO play the Bills and Jets. Last year: Jets (wrong)
3. NY Jets. Mark Sanchez wins Rookie of the Year. You heard it hear first. Unfortunately for Jets fans, Sanchez doesn't play defense. Last year: Buffalo (wrong)
4. Buffalo. I love the Bills' throwback unis. Hey, there's something good to say about them! I give the Bills three losses before T.O. does pushups in his driveway and demands a trade. Last year: Miami (wrong)
AFC South:
1. Indianapolis. Not only did I pick the Titans to finish last, but they were undefeated through 8 or 9 games last year. Wow. Well Indianapolis may have lost Harrison but Peyton has too much of an ego to let his brother take the headlines. Last year: Indy (wrong)
2. Tennessee. I hate these uniforms. Still, you have to respect that they play well. Still, the NFL has a ying and a yang and this year Indy gets the ying. Last year: Jax (wrong)
3. Houston. I said it last year and I'll say it again, I love the uniforms. Last year: Houston (right)
4. Jacksonville. [Plenty of good seats available. Last year: Tennessee (wrong, and they finished first)
AFC North:
1. Baltimore. Injuries help the Ravens overcome the Steelers. Last year: Cleveland, my sleeper pick last year (um, wrong)
2. Pittsburgh. See my comments above. You can't count the Steelers out until the lose someone big in week 5-6. Last year: Pittsburgh (wrong)
3. Cincinnati. They automatically do poorly for being this year's HBO "Hard Knocks" team however I don't think that this team needed that show to do poorly. Last year: Baltimore (wrong)
4. Cleveland. A year of rebuilding. Mangini gets more old Jets and Patriots to come over to help. Last year: Cincinnati (wrong)
AFC West: For some reason, I aced this division... and hence that's where my sleepers this year come in!
1. San Diego. Hard not to pick them with this division, so I will. Last year: San Diego (right)
2. Kansas City. SLEEPER #1! Cassel doesn't do great, but good enough. Team surprises a lot. I like the New England factor. Last year: Denver (right)
3. Oakland. SLEEPER #2!! They don't make the playoffs but they have nothing else to lose, so they will eek through a 6-10 or 7-9 year which, for Oakland, is pretty damn good. Last year: Oakland (right)
4. Denver. Thanksgiving in the Shanahan household will feature turkey, cranberry sauce, and a smug smile. McDaniel will be given a mulligan but Broncos fans will be yearning for Cutler. Last year: Kansas City (right).
Last year I picked the Draft Day order 1-5 rather than picking the playoffs but this time I will give you a bonus of both the playoff scenarios as well as Draft Day 1-5. Aren't you lucky? Wait, don't answer that!
NFC: Philly, New Orleans, Chicago, Arizona, San Francisco (WC), Carolina (WC).
AFC: Miami, Indianapolis, Baltimore, San Diego, New England (WC), Kansas City (WC).
Draft Day order:
1. Jacksonville
2. Cleveland
3. St. Louis
4. Tampa Bay
5. Detroit
Are you ready for some football??? Bring it on!!
Mike
As the Red Sox dwindle in the Wild Card race (tonight's lineup in the 8th inning featured such "studs" as Chris Woodword, Joey "Willie Mays Hays" Gathright and some guy named Dusty Baker that looked like Sam Merlotte from "True Blood"), football season arrives this Thursday. It seems like just yesterday we were watching the Steelers play the Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl and thinking "why are they called the Cardinals when they are in Arizona and there isn't a Cardinal within 1000 miles of the state? I guess the same reason that the Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Lakers exist."
But enough of my needless yakking. Time for some semi-constructive yakking and blah-blahing as I look into my crystal ball and see the future of the 2009 NFL season... or perhaps I'm just looking at my backside and pulling this out of my ass. Same difference.
Again, I say this each year (and to verify this yet again I am cutting and pasting these four disclaimers from last year's blog post), please note the following:
1. If you use my picks to make bets, you're an idiot. I have an uncanny knack of making a lot of bad picks.
2. If you read that above sentence carefully, this should tell you how to bet on my picks if you're idiotic enough to do so. For those who are slow, the words are "against them".
3. I pick a "sleeper" every year and more often than not I am right. Note that the sleeper doesn't really win anything big but comes in much higher than the so-called "pros" project.
4. I just do this for fun. Like my baseball predictions this year (and last), don't take it too seriously.
So how did I do last year? After I right in my predictions I will put who I picked in the spot last year and whether I was right or wrong:
NFC East:
1. Philadelphia. Something tells me that after all of the Michael Vick "who let the dogs out" stuff ends, what should emerge will be a very good football team. Last year: Dallas (wrong)
2. Dallas. New stadium and cool video board. This has nothing to do with the fact that I am picking them second. I am picking them second because I really think they're going to do poorly and whenever I think this, they win. So there.. Last year: Philadelphia (right)
3. NY Giants. Throw HIM the damn ball! Who? Exactly. Last year: Giants (wrong)
4. Washington. As I say every year, as long as Daniel Snyder has anything to do with this team, I will pick them last. Last year: Washington (right)
NFC South:
1. New Orleans. I've picked them first two years in a row and for the last two years they have not responded. I don't care. Brees is good and I think that this is the year. Last year: New Orleans (wrong)
2. Carolina. I will admit, I know very little about this team nor do I care too much about them. Still, they usually find some way to win. Last year: Tampa Bay (wrong)
3. Atlanta. Matt Ryan surprised me last year and the Falcons made the playoffs. This year the Falcons' opponents are going to do what most BC student's don't: study. Sorry Matt. Last year: Carolina (wrong)
4. Tampa Bay. These are not your father's Buccaneers. Oh wait... they ARE your father's Buccaneers. Too bad for Tampa Bay. Last year: Atlanta (once again I picked the team to finish last to finish first).
NFC North:
1. Chicago. They pulled off a great trade with Denver and are flying under the radar because of the whole Favre BS. I like them this year. Last year: Green Bay (wrong)
2. Green Bay. Very quietly I think Green Bay is going to have a good year. Last year: Minnesota (wrong)
3. Minnesota. All of the focus is on Favre. I think he'll do OK however last year he had a full pre-season and fizzled after 12 games. This year he had half of a pre-season. Um, not good. Last year: Green Bay (wrong)
4. Detroit. Rebuilding since 1950... I really really really was going to pick Detroit to finish third. I just couldn't do it. Last year: Minnesota (wrong)
NFC West:
1. Arizona. Weak division and even though they turned it on last year, these ARE the Cardinals. Still, I guess the tallest midget in this division wins by default. Last year: Seattle (I picked Julius Jones to have a monster year. Whoops.).
2. San Francisco. Making the wild card! No, seriously. Last year: Arizona
3. Seattle. I really was on the fence picking them higher but then I did an analysis on this team and while I will give them a few more wins for not having a lame duck coach, the fact remains that this team sucks. Last year: St. Louis (wrong).
4. St. Louis. There is a song called "Meet me in St. Louis". This may be told to the #1 pick next year. Last year: San Francisco (wrong).
In case you think I just suck as predicting the NFC, you're half right. Here are my AFC predictions and last year's results:
AFC East:
1. Miami. Yes, I am a Patriots fan. And yes, I do not like the Seymour trade. However I did not pick Miami to finish ahead of New England after this. I just think that they lost too much depth on the defense and Miami has the fire to win, and go further than they did last year. Last year: NE (wrong)
2. New England. Well, they DO play the Bills and Jets. Last year: Jets (wrong)
3. NY Jets. Mark Sanchez wins Rookie of the Year. You heard it hear first. Unfortunately for Jets fans, Sanchez doesn't play defense. Last year: Buffalo (wrong)
4. Buffalo. I love the Bills' throwback unis. Hey, there's something good to say about them! I give the Bills three losses before T.O. does pushups in his driveway and demands a trade. Last year: Miami (wrong)
AFC South:
1. Indianapolis. Not only did I pick the Titans to finish last, but they were undefeated through 8 or 9 games last year. Wow. Well Indianapolis may have lost Harrison but Peyton has too much of an ego to let his brother take the headlines. Last year: Indy (wrong)
2. Tennessee. I hate these uniforms. Still, you have to respect that they play well. Still, the NFL has a ying and a yang and this year Indy gets the ying. Last year: Jax (wrong)
3. Houston. I said it last year and I'll say it again, I love the uniforms. Last year: Houston (right)
4. Jacksonville. [Plenty of good seats available. Last year: Tennessee (wrong, and they finished first)
AFC North:
1. Baltimore. Injuries help the Ravens overcome the Steelers. Last year: Cleveland, my sleeper pick last year (um, wrong)
2. Pittsburgh. See my comments above. You can't count the Steelers out until the lose someone big in week 5-6. Last year: Pittsburgh (wrong)
3. Cincinnati. They automatically do poorly for being this year's HBO "Hard Knocks" team however I don't think that this team needed that show to do poorly. Last year: Baltimore (wrong)
4. Cleveland. A year of rebuilding. Mangini gets more old Jets and Patriots to come over to help. Last year: Cincinnati (wrong)
AFC West: For some reason, I aced this division... and hence that's where my sleepers this year come in!
1. San Diego. Hard not to pick them with this division, so I will. Last year: San Diego (right)
2. Kansas City. SLEEPER #1! Cassel doesn't do great, but good enough. Team surprises a lot. I like the New England factor. Last year: Denver (right)
3. Oakland. SLEEPER #2!! They don't make the playoffs but they have nothing else to lose, so they will eek through a 6-10 or 7-9 year which, for Oakland, is pretty damn good. Last year: Oakland (right)
4. Denver. Thanksgiving in the Shanahan household will feature turkey, cranberry sauce, and a smug smile. McDaniel will be given a mulligan but Broncos fans will be yearning for Cutler. Last year: Kansas City (right).
Last year I picked the Draft Day order 1-5 rather than picking the playoffs but this time I will give you a bonus of both the playoff scenarios as well as Draft Day 1-5. Aren't you lucky? Wait, don't answer that!
NFC: Philly, New Orleans, Chicago, Arizona, San Francisco (WC), Carolina (WC).
AFC: Miami, Indianapolis, Baltimore, San Diego, New England (WC), Kansas City (WC).
Draft Day order:
1. Jacksonville
2. Cleveland
3. St. Louis
4. Tampa Bay
5. Detroit
Are you ready for some football??? Bring it on!!
Mike
Monday, June 22, 2009
Notes from aboard the Acela...
As I drifted in and out of consciousness aboard the Acela last week, I decided to clean out my brain with some fresh mental floss and put down some thoughts into words... and here would be those words...
...Is it me or have parking spaces shrunk? For some reason it seems as though it's nearly impossible to park anywhere anymore and it's ironic since cars are much smaller than they were in the 80's or even last decade.
...Speaking of parking spaces, whoever designed any parking lot layout for a supermarket either (a) never drove before, (b) never visited a supermarket before and/or (c) forgot to factor in that people actually walk to and from a supermarket with a CART. It seems impossible to navigate around people with their carts and I love how they factor in extra spaces on the lines between spaces for the carts but they are about a foot too small. And yes, I'm writing this because I nearly hit a woman unloading her groceries the other day. I didn't feel that bad afterward as I saw her stash her cart at the end of the parking space rather than walking the 12 feet to the space where the carts should be retrieved and drive away, pet peeve #324 on my list.
...OK serious thought here: does anyone have a copy of the "law"? You know when something is said to be against the "law"... well, you sort of believe it. Steal something? Shame on you. That's against the law. Pass on the right while driving? Hmm, that's against the law too. Graze two sheep on your lawn in the month of August in the state of Vermont? That's against the law... or is it? We mainly just take it for granted that someplace, somewhere, it's written that you can and cannot do something.
So this leads to my new economic stimulus idea, since spending billions of dollars we don't have isn't seeming to help at all (from what I can tell): put thousands of unemployed Americans to work by going through all of the various "laws" and then documenting them. Then, filtering through the useless ones (like sheep grazing), making some new ones that should be there, having it stored on a website, and making everyone sign something saying that they've been on the website or even better, giving everyone a condensed copy made from newspaper no longer needed since newspapers are basically useless anyway.
[Yes, I know what you're saying, "we have lawyers who do this already". Well if we have so many lawyers, then why so many broken laws? I could steal something and be arrested and then say that I am under the impression that nothing is legal unless agreed upon in writing... and I never signed anything saying that I wouldn't do this, or even acknowledging it's illegal. I was just taught that stealing was wrong, and if I particularly didn't agree with my parents because I could claim that they told me whole milk and chuck ground beef was good for me and lead paint tastes best, then why should I believe them about stealing?]
But back to my point (collective applause): all Americans besides those over the age of 55, those honorably discharged and/or retired military personnel or those not yet 13 must sign a document acknowledging that they understand the "law" in America and agree to abide by it. Again, we could remove all of the old laws that don't really apply anymore or are useless, like the aforementioned sheep grazing one, and add in ones that might not exist but should, like driving too slow in the passing lane, acknowledging that yes indeed, coffee cups could very well contain hot liquids (so no need to print this on the side of the cup) and even silly ones like the number of times Bob from Bob's Discount Furniture can advertise an hour (ok, perhaps that's a stretch). Even so, we live in a democratic society, so we can make these rules with a majority rule!
Actually I just wrote the part about the hot liquids because some idiot just came back from the club car without a lid on their coffee and it spilled on their hand as they walked down the aisle and they grimaced, being mad at the TRAIN, going about 100 mph, and not the fact that they didn't think that perhaps putting a lid on the cup would be a good idea. Maybe a law against idiocy?
And thus the answer to illegal immigrants: welcome to America. Sign this document. We'll even get a translator for the language you speak. Now don't break the law. Because you've been warned and hey, we now have your signature on this handy document.
...I am convinced that ESPN's John Clayton is either a puppet or he's a computer hologram. He does not blink or change his facial expression between times he talks in a Q&A. Besides looking like what the kid from Jerry McGuire will look like when he gets older-- and perhaps, since that movie is now considered old, he's one and the same-- he sort of makes you mad that this guy somehow got into sports yet looks like he should be auditing your taxes.
...I believe the top new fake excuse for not paying attention on a Webex or conference call or just politely saying "I really don't give a shit about this call, or you, but I have to attend so it looks like I care" is now "Sorry, I had you on mute" when someone is asked a question and there is a delayed response. The old fake excuses used to be a tie between "Can you repeat that question? It was going in and out on my phone" and "I'm driving through a dead zone so I may have lost you" which is plummeting now thanks to good cell coverage. The "mute" excuse is one of my favorites since while people are on mute, very few people actually forget most likely because they are doing something else and don't want people to hear the typing of the keyboard or the sounds from the You Tube video they've been sent from their friends. I can so tell when people aren't paying attention. That should be my job... hmm... "Conference Call Attention Facilitator". I like the ring to that. Get it? Ring?
...Speaking of being on mute, I would have to say that this is the best innovation ever for any sort of phone. No one can hear Sportscenter on in the background, or the crunching of the food you're eating or the groans and sighs from the boredom of the call. You'd think that I would say caller name/ID would be the best, but think about it... while that helps you decide if you pick up or not, the mute button can hide your remorse at picking up, which is just as good if not better.
Ok, that's enough fodder for one day. There should be a law on the amount of drivel I write, right?
Mike
...Is it me or have parking spaces shrunk? For some reason it seems as though it's nearly impossible to park anywhere anymore and it's ironic since cars are much smaller than they were in the 80's or even last decade.
...Speaking of parking spaces, whoever designed any parking lot layout for a supermarket either (a) never drove before, (b) never visited a supermarket before and/or (c) forgot to factor in that people actually walk to and from a supermarket with a CART. It seems impossible to navigate around people with their carts and I love how they factor in extra spaces on the lines between spaces for the carts but they are about a foot too small. And yes, I'm writing this because I nearly hit a woman unloading her groceries the other day. I didn't feel that bad afterward as I saw her stash her cart at the end of the parking space rather than walking the 12 feet to the space where the carts should be retrieved and drive away, pet peeve #324 on my list.
...OK serious thought here: does anyone have a copy of the "law"? You know when something is said to be against the "law"... well, you sort of believe it. Steal something? Shame on you. That's against the law. Pass on the right while driving? Hmm, that's against the law too. Graze two sheep on your lawn in the month of August in the state of Vermont? That's against the law... or is it? We mainly just take it for granted that someplace, somewhere, it's written that you can and cannot do something.
So this leads to my new economic stimulus idea, since spending billions of dollars we don't have isn't seeming to help at all (from what I can tell): put thousands of unemployed Americans to work by going through all of the various "laws" and then documenting them. Then, filtering through the useless ones (like sheep grazing), making some new ones that should be there, having it stored on a website, and making everyone sign something saying that they've been on the website or even better, giving everyone a condensed copy made from newspaper no longer needed since newspapers are basically useless anyway.
[Yes, I know what you're saying, "we have lawyers who do this already". Well if we have so many lawyers, then why so many broken laws? I could steal something and be arrested and then say that I am under the impression that nothing is legal unless agreed upon in writing... and I never signed anything saying that I wouldn't do this, or even acknowledging it's illegal. I was just taught that stealing was wrong, and if I particularly didn't agree with my parents because I could claim that they told me whole milk and chuck ground beef was good for me and lead paint tastes best, then why should I believe them about stealing?]
But back to my point (collective applause): all Americans besides those over the age of 55, those honorably discharged and/or retired military personnel or those not yet 13 must sign a document acknowledging that they understand the "law" in America and agree to abide by it. Again, we could remove all of the old laws that don't really apply anymore or are useless, like the aforementioned sheep grazing one, and add in ones that might not exist but should, like driving too slow in the passing lane, acknowledging that yes indeed, coffee cups could very well contain hot liquids (so no need to print this on the side of the cup) and even silly ones like the number of times Bob from Bob's Discount Furniture can advertise an hour (ok, perhaps that's a stretch). Even so, we live in a democratic society, so we can make these rules with a majority rule!
Actually I just wrote the part about the hot liquids because some idiot just came back from the club car without a lid on their coffee and it spilled on their hand as they walked down the aisle and they grimaced, being mad at the TRAIN, going about 100 mph, and not the fact that they didn't think that perhaps putting a lid on the cup would be a good idea. Maybe a law against idiocy?
And thus the answer to illegal immigrants: welcome to America. Sign this document. We'll even get a translator for the language you speak. Now don't break the law. Because you've been warned and hey, we now have your signature on this handy document.
...I am convinced that ESPN's John Clayton is either a puppet or he's a computer hologram. He does not blink or change his facial expression between times he talks in a Q&A. Besides looking like what the kid from Jerry McGuire will look like when he gets older-- and perhaps, since that movie is now considered old, he's one and the same-- he sort of makes you mad that this guy somehow got into sports yet looks like he should be auditing your taxes.
...I believe the top new fake excuse for not paying attention on a Webex or conference call or just politely saying "I really don't give a shit about this call, or you, but I have to attend so it looks like I care" is now "Sorry, I had you on mute" when someone is asked a question and there is a delayed response. The old fake excuses used to be a tie between "Can you repeat that question? It was going in and out on my phone" and "I'm driving through a dead zone so I may have lost you" which is plummeting now thanks to good cell coverage. The "mute" excuse is one of my favorites since while people are on mute, very few people actually forget most likely because they are doing something else and don't want people to hear the typing of the keyboard or the sounds from the You Tube video they've been sent from their friends. I can so tell when people aren't paying attention. That should be my job... hmm... "Conference Call Attention Facilitator". I like the ring to that. Get it? Ring?
...Speaking of being on mute, I would have to say that this is the best innovation ever for any sort of phone. No one can hear Sportscenter on in the background, or the crunching of the food you're eating or the groans and sighs from the boredom of the call. You'd think that I would say caller name/ID would be the best, but think about it... while that helps you decide if you pick up or not, the mute button can hide your remorse at picking up, which is just as good if not better.
Ok, that's enough fodder for one day. There should be a law on the amount of drivel I write, right?
Mike
Friday, March 20, 2009
Springtime Memo
Happy Spring, everyone.
The days are getting longer, the nights becoming shorter, the weather seeming warmer, the dog crap underneath the snow on our yards looking soggier, and even Leon's getting laa-aaa-aargger. So why is everyone so grumpy? Well that's an easy answer, and we all know it.
The economy sucks.
We can all do our part, however, and there are three sure-fire ways to improve your attitude as well as the economy:
1. Buy a Snugee. So what if it's a backwards cape and you look like Obi-Wan Kenobi? You get a free reading light, for crying out loud!
2. Stop watching the news and reading the newspaper. The dow was down to under 7000? I didn't realize that. AIG? What's that? I feel better already.
3. Recycle. To those of you who still think going green should only be for Kermit the Frog, you are now in the minority. Even though in reality the thugs who run the public works most likely throw your glass and plastic into the same landfill as your baby's diapers, it's a nice thought, so do it.
And speaking of recycling, I thought I would dig up something I wrote a little while and amend it to entertain you. After all, if you take my advice of not reading the newspaper, you have to read SOMETHING!
So here goes...
A few years back I had to write a memo to the sales staff of my company about some new policy that I really didn't understand but was "going to be implemented immediately" and thus had to be "effectively communicated to the salesforce". The memo had something to do with, um, I
don't really know. As I have learned over the years, when I don't totally understand either something that I'm supposed to document or write and then send out to a mass audience, I just write it up with some big words in efforts to confuse the hell out of the people reading it so that I can say that I did the memo "as requested". It usually works, unless I'm asked about some of the contents to the memo, and then I respond with a curt yet effective "please refer to the memo
for further elaboration on that." Then I hide under a blanket and hope everything magically takes care of itself on its own. So as I was writing this memo, all I could think of was that I'm turning into some "Lumburgh" persona from Office Space. Of course I say this as I stare at my oversized coffee mug and I'm thinking of asking some people on my team to come on in on Saturday. Umm... yeahhhh. Stop it!
I could be writing much more effective and more relevant memos if sent to the correct audiences. In fact, if my job was indeed "memo writer", and at one point it was, I would make the following memos to various people:
-- Memo to our new President: When you have a down day and it seems like everyone is against you and you're doing a lousy job, it may pick you up to remember who your predecessor was, and that a lousy job was sometimes considered an improvement.
-- Memo to our First Lady: You bring a touch of class to the White House, which is nice, however no one really cares about what you're bushes you're planting in the white house lawn. In fact, we elected your husband to forget about the bushes that were there.
-- Memo to the people concerned about athletes taking steroids: I couldn't care less if these people got sick and died from steroids. I cheered every home run and 100 mph fastball strikeout, and will continue to do so. Unless they are a friend of mine or a family member, go ahead and let them kill themselves. Sox tickets are $85 a pop for the good seats and you better believe I want to see a slug-fest rather than a suicide squeeze bunt winning a game (note: I actually saw that game last year where the Sox won on a bunt and I will admit that it was pretty damn exciting).
-- Memo to people who think that athletes are overpaid: If your boss came to you at work and asked if you would accept a 300% raise, would you say no? This is America. If some idiot wants to pay someone to stand on a small hill and throw an object 60 feet and 6 inches while someone tries to hit the object with a large wooden stick, and pay them tremendously more than someone who actually does something productive for a living, let them pay for it. And congrats to those people who get that kind of money.
-- Memo to the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon: 99.999% of the people who buy your product couldn't care less about what kind of award that beer won nor even think that the beer could ever win an award to begin with. What blue ribbon could possibly be award to PBR besides "cheapest beer"? Just stay cheap.
-- Memo to the other non-microbrew beermakers of the world: Besides the 0.002% of the population consisting of those folks who brew their own beer, no one could give two craps about the quality of the barley and whatever "hops" are. College kids funneling beers or using their key to make a hole in a can of your fine beverage wouldn't know the difference between good and bad barley and hops anyway. And those more mature don't choose your beer because of the "cold filterization" or the fact that the family who owns the beer has been growing their barley for the past 100 years. They buy it because it's on sale. This isn't single malt scotch, you know.
-- Memo to Dunkin' Donuts: Cease all advertising immediately and use the money that is otherwise spent on commercials to go back into your business and make my large coffee under $2 once again.
-- Memo to SUV drivers: Just because your leather-seated 12 mpg SUV is larger than most cars and has that cute "4X4" button does not mean that if there are several inches of snow and ice on the road does this allow you to drive 80mph while talking on your phone. This is why most of you end up off the road flipped over. Think about it-- while dropping off your kids, you still take a left hand turn from the right lane, so there is no right given to you to speed on ice and snow.
-- Memo to A-Rod: When someone breaks a mirror, superstition is defined as seven years of bad luck. You have seven years left on your Yankees contract. Think about it.
-- Memo to people who drive the speed limit or slower in the left hand lane on a highway: The speed limit sign unofficially applies to the right lane only. When you begin to form a parade in back of you, move to the right please.
-- Memo to Geico: You have passed the point of being considered an alternative for car insurance by most people I know since I believe that public sentiment is, "if I DON'T use Geico, the extra $20 or so per year that I would save is money well spent if it eliminates those caveman and that stupid roll of money with the eyeballs. Done deal!"
-- Memo to Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft (X-Box): The average human being has 5 fingers on each hand. Kindly remake your controller to have less than the 12 buttons on them and to make a command for a character in your games do something like "run" or "jump" not require having to hold down two of the buttons and then tear a ligament in your finger to press down another button or two. See, "Joystick, Atari."
-- Memo to those who invested with Bernie Madoff: Be thankful that there is no fine print in this memo like the fine print on whatever you signed with him that you apparently didn't read. Also, his last name should have sent off all sorts of bad vibes to you. It's like finding out your daughter has a date with a guy Howie Feltersnatch.
-- Memo to the makers of bottled water who sell their water for $1.59: Congratulations.
-- Memo to CBS and FOX: While watching football games, the average viewer actually finds it annoying rather than entertaining to hear your paid announcer say something like "So now it's 3rd and 5 on the Patriot's 10 yard line... don't miss tomorrow's 'King of Queens' when the cute woman says something witty to that fat guy... Brady spots a blitz and throws quick over the
middle..."
-- Memo to the companies who's customer service greeting says something like "this call may be
recorded for training purposes": Rather than using my call to train others, how about training the people who answer phone calls in a classroom using the scenarios they should know before taking my call?
-- Memo to me: Write shorter notes. This is getting ridiculous already.
-- Memo to all of the people who are reading this: I'll try and write them a little more frequently, and lot shorter.
Happy March Madness,
Mike
The days are getting longer, the nights becoming shorter, the weather seeming warmer, the dog crap underneath the snow on our yards looking soggier, and even Leon's getting laa-aaa-aargger. So why is everyone so grumpy? Well that's an easy answer, and we all know it.
The economy sucks.
We can all do our part, however, and there are three sure-fire ways to improve your attitude as well as the economy:
1. Buy a Snugee. So what if it's a backwards cape and you look like Obi-Wan Kenobi? You get a free reading light, for crying out loud!
2. Stop watching the news and reading the newspaper. The dow was down to under 7000? I didn't realize that. AIG? What's that? I feel better already.
3. Recycle. To those of you who still think going green should only be for Kermit the Frog, you are now in the minority. Even though in reality the thugs who run the public works most likely throw your glass and plastic into the same landfill as your baby's diapers, it's a nice thought, so do it.
And speaking of recycling, I thought I would dig up something I wrote a little while and amend it to entertain you. After all, if you take my advice of not reading the newspaper, you have to read SOMETHING!
So here goes...
A few years back I had to write a memo to the sales staff of my company about some new policy that I really didn't understand but was "going to be implemented immediately" and thus had to be "effectively communicated to the salesforce". The memo had something to do with, um, I
don't really know. As I have learned over the years, when I don't totally understand either something that I'm supposed to document or write and then send out to a mass audience, I just write it up with some big words in efforts to confuse the hell out of the people reading it so that I can say that I did the memo "as requested". It usually works, unless I'm asked about some of the contents to the memo, and then I respond with a curt yet effective "please refer to the memo
for further elaboration on that." Then I hide under a blanket and hope everything magically takes care of itself on its own. So as I was writing this memo, all I could think of was that I'm turning into some "Lumburgh" persona from Office Space. Of course I say this as I stare at my oversized coffee mug and I'm thinking of asking some people on my team to come on in on Saturday. Umm... yeahhhh. Stop it!
I could be writing much more effective and more relevant memos if sent to the correct audiences. In fact, if my job was indeed "memo writer", and at one point it was, I would make the following memos to various people:
-- Memo to our new President: When you have a down day and it seems like everyone is against you and you're doing a lousy job, it may pick you up to remember who your predecessor was, and that a lousy job was sometimes considered an improvement.
-- Memo to our First Lady: You bring a touch of class to the White House, which is nice, however no one really cares about what you're bushes you're planting in the white house lawn. In fact, we elected your husband to forget about the bushes that were there.
-- Memo to the people concerned about athletes taking steroids: I couldn't care less if these people got sick and died from steroids. I cheered every home run and 100 mph fastball strikeout, and will continue to do so. Unless they are a friend of mine or a family member, go ahead and let them kill themselves. Sox tickets are $85 a pop for the good seats and you better believe I want to see a slug-fest rather than a suicide squeeze bunt winning a game (note: I actually saw that game last year where the Sox won on a bunt and I will admit that it was pretty damn exciting).
-- Memo to people who think that athletes are overpaid: If your boss came to you at work and asked if you would accept a 300% raise, would you say no? This is America. If some idiot wants to pay someone to stand on a small hill and throw an object 60 feet and 6 inches while someone tries to hit the object with a large wooden stick, and pay them tremendously more than someone who actually does something productive for a living, let them pay for it. And congrats to those people who get that kind of money.
-- Memo to the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon: 99.999% of the people who buy your product couldn't care less about what kind of award that beer won nor even think that the beer could ever win an award to begin with. What blue ribbon could possibly be award to PBR besides "cheapest beer"? Just stay cheap.
-- Memo to the other non-microbrew beermakers of the world: Besides the 0.002% of the population consisting of those folks who brew their own beer, no one could give two craps about the quality of the barley and whatever "hops" are. College kids funneling beers or using their key to make a hole in a can of your fine beverage wouldn't know the difference between good and bad barley and hops anyway. And those more mature don't choose your beer because of the "cold filterization" or the fact that the family who owns the beer has been growing their barley for the past 100 years. They buy it because it's on sale. This isn't single malt scotch, you know.
-- Memo to Dunkin' Donuts: Cease all advertising immediately and use the money that is otherwise spent on commercials to go back into your business and make my large coffee under $2 once again.
-- Memo to SUV drivers: Just because your leather-seated 12 mpg SUV is larger than most cars and has that cute "4X4" button does not mean that if there are several inches of snow and ice on the road does this allow you to drive 80mph while talking on your phone. This is why most of you end up off the road flipped over. Think about it-- while dropping off your kids, you still take a left hand turn from the right lane, so there is no right given to you to speed on ice and snow.
-- Memo to A-Rod: When someone breaks a mirror, superstition is defined as seven years of bad luck. You have seven years left on your Yankees contract. Think about it.
-- Memo to people who drive the speed limit or slower in the left hand lane on a highway: The speed limit sign unofficially applies to the right lane only. When you begin to form a parade in back of you, move to the right please.
-- Memo to Geico: You have passed the point of being considered an alternative for car insurance by most people I know since I believe that public sentiment is, "if I DON'T use Geico, the extra $20 or so per year that I would save is money well spent if it eliminates those caveman and that stupid roll of money with the eyeballs. Done deal!"
-- Memo to Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft (X-Box): The average human being has 5 fingers on each hand. Kindly remake your controller to have less than the 12 buttons on them and to make a command for a character in your games do something like "run" or "jump" not require having to hold down two of the buttons and then tear a ligament in your finger to press down another button or two. See, "Joystick, Atari."
-- Memo to those who invested with Bernie Madoff: Be thankful that there is no fine print in this memo like the fine print on whatever you signed with him that you apparently didn't read. Also, his last name should have sent off all sorts of bad vibes to you. It's like finding out your daughter has a date with a guy Howie Feltersnatch.
-- Memo to the makers of bottled water who sell their water for $1.59: Congratulations.
-- Memo to CBS and FOX: While watching football games, the average viewer actually finds it annoying rather than entertaining to hear your paid announcer say something like "So now it's 3rd and 5 on the Patriot's 10 yard line... don't miss tomorrow's 'King of Queens' when the cute woman says something witty to that fat guy... Brady spots a blitz and throws quick over the
middle..."
-- Memo to the companies who's customer service greeting says something like "this call may be
recorded for training purposes": Rather than using my call to train others, how about training the people who answer phone calls in a classroom using the scenarios they should know before taking my call?
-- Memo to me: Write shorter notes. This is getting ridiculous already.
-- Memo to all of the people who are reading this: I'll try and write them a little more frequently, and lot shorter.
Happy March Madness,
Mike
Friday, January 16, 2009
What Inauguration? It's DTV Conversion mania!!
Happy Winter!
A strange and bizarre phenomenon apparently happened this past winter in New England-- it got cold! Wait... you mean that this doesn't sound newsworthy or strange? Well you wouldn't have guessed this by the crazy reactions to sub zero temperatures and leading news stories about the weather. It's either a slow news day or local news finds it compelling to go to area strip malls and ask random people how they're reacting to the weather. My favorite reaction was an older gentleman who simply answered, "It's January!" in a very short response. Amen, brother.
Anyway, the cold weather hasn't delayed me from writing lately, just the lack of motivation and material, however call me a little stir crazy but there's some "brain snow" I need to shovel out and put into print...
-- While I am absolutely sick and tired of the relentless commercials about the impending conversion to "Digital TV" I cannot wait for the interview from some remote little town on the day after this conversion with an idiot who apparently was "surprised" by the changeover. I can see the copy now... "I'm live here in West Cupcake, NH, and surprisingly, even after over TWO YEARS of warning people that their favorite soap operas won't be available by just wrapping tin foil around the rabbit ears on their black and white TV set, some people in this little backwards town still flooded TV stations with angry calls, demanding a rebroadcast of 'One Life to Live'." You cannot watch any network television show or listen to the radio without the constant reminders about how if you're one of the several hundred people left in this country who still use rabbit ears and tin foil to watch your "stories" you now have to go out and get a box to make this happen-- or else!!
I wonder how much healthier this country would be if public interest television reminded people to wash their hands after going to the bathroom or that Skittles are indeed not "fruit" rather than the constant doomsday warnings about how watching "Oprah" won't be possible without the new converter box. Sadly, even my own mother was confused with what she needed to do in anticipation of the "big day" (there is actually a countdown of days on her local news station which, since she lives in Western MA, is the lead story EVERY night). "Will I only be able to watch the HD channels? What about my NECN? How will I get the weather?*" *- my mother insists on several channels to get her weather information and then takes the best or worst case scenario depending on what she has to do that day.
-- Do they make toxic crayons? I don't think so. You think it's safe for Crayola to remove the giant "NON-TOXIC" from the box? Speaking of which, whoever invented the crayon sharpener is a genius. And speaking of which, no, I don't write in crayon... usually.
-- Sixteen years ago this week, my old college roommate Patrick and I traveled from Westfield to Washington DC to watch the Clinton inauguration. My memories from that trip include: stopping in Philadelphia at the Betsy Ross house and calling it the "Marion Ross house" and at first laughing since we both instantly knew that this was the name of the actress who played Mrs. Cunningham on "Happy Days" and then being quite melancholy knowing that perhaps we may not to publicize the fact that we knew this little bit of trivia; breaking my aunt and uncle's salt and pepper shaker while we got drunk staying at their house and to this day I have not replaced it-- how ARE they seasoning their food?!; getting primo space near the Treasury building to see the Clintons walk down the street and snapping some great pictures (which I really should scan); and driving back through NYC and going to a Mexican restaurant where I had flan for the first, and thankfully last, time. When I look back on this, I can't believe that that's all I remember from this trip.
-- Is there anyone else who sees snowplows as the absolute definition of a paradox? Stay behind the plow and you drive much safer, yet at 15 mph. Pass the plow and you make better time yet risk hazardous conditions. And what do we all do? We pass the plow. This shows how valuable saving time is versus being safe. This also shows that I was going to make this paradox much more interesting to write about and in my mind, created all sorts of scenarios and stories yet when it boils down to it, it is what it is.
And on that note... I'll talk to you all most likely when this great nation has a new President signaling the end of an "error" and while I will not be down in DC this time around, I will remember the Clinton one fondly by watching endless reruns of "Happy Days".
Cheers and stay warm,
Mike
A strange and bizarre phenomenon apparently happened this past winter in New England-- it got cold! Wait... you mean that this doesn't sound newsworthy or strange? Well you wouldn't have guessed this by the crazy reactions to sub zero temperatures and leading news stories about the weather. It's either a slow news day or local news finds it compelling to go to area strip malls and ask random people how they're reacting to the weather. My favorite reaction was an older gentleman who simply answered, "It's January!" in a very short response. Amen, brother.
Anyway, the cold weather hasn't delayed me from writing lately, just the lack of motivation and material, however call me a little stir crazy but there's some "brain snow" I need to shovel out and put into print...
-- While I am absolutely sick and tired of the relentless commercials about the impending conversion to "Digital TV" I cannot wait for the interview from some remote little town on the day after this conversion with an idiot who apparently was "surprised" by the changeover. I can see the copy now... "I'm live here in West Cupcake, NH, and surprisingly, even after over TWO YEARS of warning people that their favorite soap operas won't be available by just wrapping tin foil around the rabbit ears on their black and white TV set, some people in this little backwards town still flooded TV stations with angry calls, demanding a rebroadcast of 'One Life to Live'." You cannot watch any network television show or listen to the radio without the constant reminders about how if you're one of the several hundred people left in this country who still use rabbit ears and tin foil to watch your "stories" you now have to go out and get a box to make this happen-- or else!!
I wonder how much healthier this country would be if public interest television reminded people to wash their hands after going to the bathroom or that Skittles are indeed not "fruit" rather than the constant doomsday warnings about how watching "Oprah" won't be possible without the new converter box. Sadly, even my own mother was confused with what she needed to do in anticipation of the "big day" (there is actually a countdown of days on her local news station which, since she lives in Western MA, is the lead story EVERY night). "Will I only be able to watch the HD channels? What about my NECN? How will I get the weather?*" *- my mother insists on several channels to get her weather information and then takes the best or worst case scenario depending on what she has to do that day.-- Do they make toxic crayons? I don't think so. You think it's safe for Crayola to remove the giant "NON-TOXIC" from the box? Speaking of which, whoever invented the crayon sharpener is a genius. And speaking of which, no, I don't write in crayon... usually.
-- Sixteen years ago this week, my old college roommate Patrick and I traveled from Westfield to Washington DC to watch the Clinton inauguration. My memories from that trip include: stopping in Philadelphia at the Betsy Ross house and calling it the "Marion Ross house" and at first laughing since we both instantly knew that this was the name of the actress who played Mrs. Cunningham on "Happy Days" and then being quite melancholy knowing that perhaps we may not to publicize the fact that we knew this little bit of trivia; breaking my aunt and uncle's salt and pepper shaker while we got drunk staying at their house and to this day I have not replaced it-- how ARE they seasoning their food?!; getting primo space near the Treasury building to see the Clintons walk down the street and snapping some great pictures (which I really should scan); and driving back through NYC and going to a Mexican restaurant where I had flan for the first, and thankfully last, time. When I look back on this, I can't believe that that's all I remember from this trip.
-- Is there anyone else who sees snowplows as the absolute definition of a paradox? Stay behind the plow and you drive much safer, yet at 15 mph. Pass the plow and you make better time yet risk hazardous conditions. And what do we all do? We pass the plow. This shows how valuable saving time is versus being safe. This also shows that I was going to make this paradox much more interesting to write about and in my mind, created all sorts of scenarios and stories yet when it boils down to it, it is what it is.
And on that note... I'll talk to you all most likely when this great nation has a new President signaling the end of an "error" and while I will not be down in DC this time around, I will remember the Clinton one fondly by watching endless reruns of "Happy Days".
Cheers and stay warm,
Mike
Friday, December 5, 2008
Spirit of '77
Ah, 1977. What a fantastic year! Groovy bell bottoms... "Billy Beer"... Disco! Actually, wait a second... it wasn't all that good at all. Bell bottom pants? Jimmy Carter? Disco?! Ah who am I kidding... this whole blog is off to a big fat lie. I turned 6 years old towards the ends of 1977 and was lucky enough to remember not wetting the bed anymore never mind what kind of year it was. Yes indeed, I do not wet the bed anymore.
But going through some of my old CD's as well as some of my Dad's old albums (for those under the age of 25 who are reading this, and shame on you if you are, an album was usually referred to as a "record", made of non-biodegradable vinyl and played on a turntable or "record player". Seriously. Look it up), I realized that there were a lot of really, really REALLY crappy records that came out in 1977.
It's easy to call 1977 a loser year of music-- the #1 song was "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone making thousands of elevator operators want to kill her, people like Leo Sayer and Glenn Campbell not only had hits but were actually employed looking like they did, and shows like Dance Fever and Solid Gold debuted most of the disco crap that defined the '70s. Do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight.
However I would put three of these records into the Must-Listen category and after listening to them after a long absence, I did a little research about the albums and felt compelled to write about them. Well that, plus I was stuck on a conference call, and then stuck in traffic coming home, so I had some time to both listen AND write.
Before I begin, two points: first, I realize you might email me or make a comment and say "Mike how could possibly not include [insert lousy record by some one hit wonder, like "Player" or "Ambrosia"]?" and my answer is twofold: first, duly noted-- write your own blog about how great "How Much I Feel" by Ambrosia is and be prepared to be ridiculed; and second, I would include both the soundtrack to "Saturday Night Fever" and "Grease" however (a) SNF came out Christmas of 1977, so really it's a 1978 record and (b) "Grease", while still a great album in its form and played endlessly in our basement as my sister and our neighbors used to recreate it into some sort of disco palace/dance emporium-- and I wish I was making that part up-- totally jumped the proverbial shark after the remake of "Summer Lovin" that they now play at weddings and just brings back memories of prom chicken, cutting the cake, releasing the doves and, well, weddings. So get over it.
So I'll be putting on my music-nerd persona here for a moment-- this is where you add the part about you not being able to tell the difference-- and here are the three albums which you should listen to and recreate that time that WAS 1977... in no particular order of importance, chronology, preference, smell, grooviness or alphabet (note: by accident, they ARE in alphabetical order):
Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours". OK, they play songs on the radio way too much as just about every song is a hit, or pretty close, but next time you listen to any of these songs, think about these facts. (1) Like most 1970's bands, especially rock n' roll bands, everyone was on some serious drugs; (2) They recorded this album in a studio made completely out of wood with no windows and oh by the way (3) Every couple that comprised the band (Buckingham/Nicks, the McVies, Fleetwood and his wife) not only were breaking or divorcing, but the songs were written mainly about their own breakup, and oh by the way (4) they all had to play on these songs written about their breaking up and in some cases, about other people. "You Make Lovin' Fun"? That wasn't Christine McVie writing about her ex-hubby playing bass. Yet he played bass on it. Lindsay Buckingham writing about "Go Your Own Way"? That was about him breaking up with Stevie Nicks. Imagine that conversation, "Um, Stevie, can you sing the refrain on this?" Remarkably, she did. Yes, Lindsay's a guy and Stevie's a girl-- how cool was this band? This album also contains "Songbird" which, if it doesn't make you cry, proves that you are not human. I freely admit I ball when I hear this. There are songs about drugs ("Gold Dust Woman", do the math-- Nicks was on coke the entire time), new love ("You Make Loving Fun"), and telling someone to beat it ("Second Hand News"). What's best is that like most 1970's albums, this one has the lyrics. Remember when music had actual lyrics that didn't rhyme with "hizzle"?
Billy Joel's "The Stranger".I must admit that there are two big reasons why I love this album: 1. My parents played it continuously for oh, six straight months and 2. I choose to sing "She's Always a Woman" but with explicit lyrics when I'm forced to sing at karaoke bars. Who am I kidding... I usually volunteer. Anyway, this album's big hit was "Only the Good Die Young" which of course exposed how Catholic girls wait so long to have sex . And this also forced us kids to ask our parents what it meant when Billy sings abou the "Catholic girls starting much too late". Starting WHAT much too late, Mommy? I would assume that these sort of the same uncomfortable questions would be today's version of the "Mommy, why is that guy smiling so much after taking that Viagara/Enzyte?" This is my favorite Billy Joel album, closely edging out "Turnstiles" (extremely underrated) and like "Rumours", reflects love scorned as Billy wrote this after a breakup with his then-wife. The album cover has him staring at a mask on a pillow in bed and guys, how many of us have all been there before (metaphorically, not literally-- that would be a little creepy)? What makes this album great is the lyrics and, like "Rumours", they are printed in the album. "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" has the great middle part about Brenda and Eddie buying paintings from Sears and the lead track "Movin' Out" has arguably one of the best all-time lyrics, "And if he can't drive with a broken back/At least he can polish the fender." And "The Stranger" has one of the nicest piano parts and then grooves into poppish '70's rock. The only negatives is that "Just the Way You Are" is played more in Muzak and Casio keyboard demos than it is on the radio, but look past that and listen to this from beginning to end. And speaking of the end, when you listen to the part of "Everybody Has A Dream", it's essentially the same piano beginning that "Saturday Night Live" plays at the end of their shows when the host gathers everyone on stage and thanks everyone for "what a great show this was" and how "this was a huge experience". I swear that I think SNL actually uses cue cards for the end skit.
Steely Dan, "Aja". Those of you with any musical background and who have ever played an instrument are probably smiling and nodding right now and the rest of you who actually hooked up with a lot of girls in college and were considered "cool" probably have no idea that this album even exists and are surprised that Steely Dan had a hit besides "Reelin In the Years". "Aja" took forever to make-- about a year-- and is a musical masterpiece. Fortunately, it is digitally remastered on CD since this is one of the times where the "warmth" of vinyl does not do this album the justice it deserves. What's remarkable is that besides the two key members of Steely Dan, Donald Fagan and Walter Becker, the supporting cast are some of the best studio musicians in rock history and NONE of the songs actually were played ensemble; all of what you hear is are individual musicians playing their instruments listening to the other parts over existing tracks. Steely Dan had inside jokes all over this album and their entire discography-- they once wrote a song purposely in the key of Gb because they didn't want anyone to cover the song-- and this album is no exception. The first track, "Black Cow" is one of those decadent '70s songs with a funk beat that has every stereotypical '70's cliche into it; a fat snare, a honkytonk bass line, girls singing chorus, and I assume that this song )and presumably this entire album) were written with the thought of trying to expose what the 70's were about; excess, decadence and overproduction. The title track "Aja" has one of the best drum lines of any rock song, played by an admittedly-high Steve Gadd (who does the drums on Paul Simon's "50 Ways"-- go ahead and try and duplicate that) who messed up in the solo and hit his drumstick by mistake and allegedly was told to "keep playing" and they ended up using that track. The only hits on this album were "Peg" and "Deacon Blues" which were edited down and played on FM radio. "Home At Last" is one of my favorites and honestly, ahead of its times when they sing about a "super highway" with all sorts of flaws, much like my industry (ha ha). "Josie" closes the album in a classy way, sort of saying "if you weren't alive in 1977 and living in some old studio apartment in the lower East side of NYC, well, this album sort of tells you what it was like". I guarantee that if you have never heard this album before and listened to it, you will not like it the first time. And then listen to it again for the second time and you'll feel much different.
OK what a ramble... take a journey and go back in time and pick these up. If you'd like to comment on any of the above, well, it's a free country, so shake out your habs and hooters and remember, I love you just the way you are...
Mike
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A preview to this year's Thanksgiving leftovers...
Greetings Turkey Day lovers and a few token vegetarians,
Like turkey sandwiches, reheated mashed potatoes and the last piece of pumpkin pie that no one wants to eat because the top of the pie is beginning to shrivel and separate from its crust like some sort of earthquake fault, I deliver to you a rehashed and reheated blog. Hopefully it doesn't turn your stomach enough so that you can't enjoy today's fare. I've sent this out the day before Thanksgiving in years past and due to my busyness-- as well as forgetfulness-- I spaced out. So keeping in the tradition of being a day late and a dollar short, here you go, and enjoy. I edited it so it appears that I wrote it today. How's THAT for being clever!?
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!
===
'Tis time again to loosen the belt and shovel
in food in celebration of everything thankful. Yesterday
millions of Americans traveled by plane,
train or automobile to see friends and family in
preparation of a dinner today where we all give
thanks for what we have, if for nothing more than the
fact that we're not the bird on the table.
Like such traditions and classics as "Alice's
Restaurant" (OK, i'm dating myself here and revealing
to all that I grew up with parents who still think of
the 1960's as "groovy"), the Detroit Lions losing and
highway traffic jams, the following tedious email is a
mish-mosh of past Hump Day columns centering around
Thanksgiving. And, like "Alice's Restaurant", it goes
on way too long and has little or no point. But here
goes.
Today is one of the greatest days of the year as we
all get to give thanks for what we have and who we get
to spend it with. We do this by arguing over who is
supposed to do what, ingesting three meals worth of
turkey and fixings in about 6 1/2 minutes and then
falling asleep in a food coma, dreaming of how
thankful we are. Then tomorrow, most people spend the
day seeing other people... in line at the mall as the
official Holiday Shopping season begins.
As every redblooded American knows, the
Thanksgiving "holiday" is a three-day festival which
accurately portrays what our pilgrim forefathers did
back in the 1620's when they pahked their cahs on
Plymouth Rock (not really a big rock for those of you
who never saw it):
Wednesday (ysterday)- getting out of work early and
joining up at an area bar to get totally smashed and
pick a fight with some guy who dated the girl you
liked in high school. Just like the pilgrims who saw
Indians and decided to start shooting them to "make
peace".
Thursday- Hungover, some younger folks would attend
the traditional rival high school football game and
make up with the people they got in a fight with.
Then, lots of turkey and stuffing and sleeping on the
couch watching football. Just like the pilgrims who
then decided that killing wasn't all that cracked up
to be and made peace by having dinner with them, while
John Alden talked to Chief Massasoit and traded a
crock pot of yams for land that today is known as
"Rhode Island".
Friday- Either calling in sick to work, if it already
hasn't been canceled and then budgeting the Christmas
spending budget to somehow buy presents for 20 people
and spend approximately $50, not including the $62.99
you're spending on yourself for a new NFL football
jersey. Why the Patriots don't play the Redskins every
Thanksgiving is beyond me.
Women have a similar version, except it usually
involves getting in a fight with several old high
school friends (who are now, according to the women,
"fat") and budgeting several times the allotted amount
for people, including some they don't even know.
Thanksgiving to me means a little more since I grew up
in the cranky-yankee area of New England, where
Thanksgiving was "discovered". I've been privy to
witness great historical relics and achievements, such
as the Freedom Trail, the Freedom Big-Dig Tunnel, and
various new Dunkin Donuts construction. I didn't grow
up in Boston but rather Western Massachusetts, (which
Bostonians refer to as "friggin faah") yet shared such
eastern Massachusetts customs as creating needless
construction projects like repairing a bridge that
seemed to work perfectly fine, cutting public
education budgets, and erecting statues to Ted
Kennedy, paid for by the Coalition to Cut Public
Education Funding.
New Englanders are, by tradition, irritable and
abrasive by nature. Much of this irritability is due
to the fact that New England, specifically
Massachusetts, is the "oldest child" of the United
States. Useless States that came out long after
Massachusetts, like Utah, Colorado and North Dakota,
got all sorts of benefits that Massachusetts didn't,
like straight borders and two-way divided highways.
What does this all have to do with Thanksgiving? Take
it easy, I'm getting there, and now will give you the
National Enquirer version of how Thanksgiving came to
be, since you want to know.
If you refer to your history books, which I know you
won't, you'll see that New England was first inhabited
by the Pilgrims for Limited Taxation. The pilgrims,
tired of the oppressive King who hated their funny
black hats, set sail on Mayflower Van Lines and landed
in Boston, only to find that construction diverted all
ships south of the city, and thus ended up in
Plymouth, named after the Volare that one of the
Pilgrims, nicknamed "Sully", drove. They celebrated
their journey at a tavern called The Rock (Sideline
here-- if you've never been to Plymouth, for some
reason the Hysterical-- I mean Historical Society of
Plymouth chooses to spell the name of the town
"Plimoth", for no reason other to create the need for
someone with nothing else to do to go to the
historical society HQ and ask why). Immediately upon
arrival, the pilgrims built triple-decker houses,
liquor stores and Chinese restaurants. Rather than
waste needless energy that could otherwise be spent
repressing people, they let their horses run free and
make up the roads in the town, the reason why today it
is virtually impossible to find a straight road longer
than 10 feet anywhere in Eastern Massachusetts. They
built these domiciles along side of these curvy roads
and homage to this architecture is found today in a
land called the South Shore (South Shore motto: "We
are not the North Shore").
Of course the pilgrims weren't the first inhabitants
of Plymouth or America in general. Native Americans,
who were called Indians until one of the pilgrims who
actually hailed from India, Ahmed Abdul-Rahim Johnson,
objected, roamed the land and had crazy ideas like
building casino and selling cheap cigarettes. Pilgrims
wanted the land for themselves and thought it might be
best to fight these Indians for their lands. But
instead, the pilgrims built toll-bridges to gain
entrance to this new land and the Indians, who were of
course penniless, were forced to retreat to a land now
called Foxwoods. However, today we salute these
Indians by naming all of our rivers and lakes after
them and today they get the get the last laugh by
hearing motorists try and pronounce the name
"Pemiwagassetaweebawopashishboomba River" as they
drive in rotting bridges over these bodies of water,
on their way to deposit their money in area casinos*.
*- A casino was founded by Indians as a way to pay for
those aforementioned tolls.
The leader of the pilgrims, Johnny Massachusetts,
proclaimed this new land his own, and had his buddies
Fred Braintree, Darren "too tall" Dedham, Josiah
Weymouth, Bill Rica, Tom Finneran (whoops) and two
guys just nicknamed "Sully" go off in the land and
found their own villages. Each agreed that for one day
a year they would all gather in Plymouth with their
Native American casino breathren, have a nice meal and
give Thanksgiving, and then try and destroy each
other's football teams the next day.
So this year, as you sit down at your table wherever
you are, carve into the bird, grab a spoonful of
potatoes and a forkful of stuffing, be thankful of the
many blessings you have and enjoy.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Like turkey sandwiches, reheated mashed potatoes and the last piece of pumpkin pie that no one wants to eat because the top of the pie is beginning to shrivel and separate from its crust like some sort of earthquake fault, I deliver to you a rehashed and reheated blog. Hopefully it doesn't turn your stomach enough so that you can't enjoy today's fare. I've sent this out the day before Thanksgiving in years past and due to my busyness-- as well as forgetfulness-- I spaced out. So keeping in the tradition of being a day late and a dollar short, here you go, and enjoy. I edited it so it appears that I wrote it today. How's THAT for being clever!?
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!
===
'Tis time again to loosen the belt and shovel
in food in celebration of everything thankful. Yesterday
millions of Americans traveled by plane,
train or automobile to see friends and family in
preparation of a dinner today where we all give
thanks for what we have, if for nothing more than the
fact that we're not the bird on the table.
Like such traditions and classics as "Alice's
Restaurant" (OK, i'm dating myself here and revealing
to all that I grew up with parents who still think of
the 1960's as "groovy"), the Detroit Lions losing and
highway traffic jams, the following tedious email is a
mish-mosh of past Hump Day columns centering around
Thanksgiving. And, like "Alice's Restaurant", it goes
on way too long and has little or no point. But here
goes.
Today is one of the greatest days of the year as we
all get to give thanks for what we have and who we get
to spend it with. We do this by arguing over who is
supposed to do what, ingesting three meals worth of
turkey and fixings in about 6 1/2 minutes and then
falling asleep in a food coma, dreaming of how
thankful we are. Then tomorrow, most people spend the
day seeing other people... in line at the mall as the
official Holiday Shopping season begins.
As every redblooded American knows, the
Thanksgiving "holiday" is a three-day festival which
accurately portrays what our pilgrim forefathers did
back in the 1620's when they pahked their cahs on
Plymouth Rock (not really a big rock for those of you
who never saw it):
Wednesday (ysterday)- getting out of work early and
joining up at an area bar to get totally smashed and
pick a fight with some guy who dated the girl you
liked in high school. Just like the pilgrims who saw
Indians and decided to start shooting them to "make
peace".
Thursday- Hungover, some younger folks would attend
the traditional rival high school football game and
make up with the people they got in a fight with.
Then, lots of turkey and stuffing and sleeping on the
couch watching football. Just like the pilgrims who
then decided that killing wasn't all that cracked up
to be and made peace by having dinner with them, while
John Alden talked to Chief Massasoit and traded a
crock pot of yams for land that today is known as
"Rhode Island".
Friday- Either calling in sick to work, if it already
hasn't been canceled and then budgeting the Christmas
spending budget to somehow buy presents for 20 people
and spend approximately $50, not including the $62.99
you're spending on yourself for a new NFL football
jersey. Why the Patriots don't play the Redskins every
Thanksgiving is beyond me.
Women have a similar version, except it usually
involves getting in a fight with several old high
school friends (who are now, according to the women,
"fat") and budgeting several times the allotted amount
for people, including some they don't even know.
Thanksgiving to me means a little more since I grew up
in the cranky-yankee area of New England, where
Thanksgiving was "discovered". I've been privy to
witness great historical relics and achievements, such
as the Freedom Trail, the Freedom Big-Dig Tunnel, and
various new Dunkin Donuts construction. I didn't grow
up in Boston but rather Western Massachusetts, (which
Bostonians refer to as "friggin faah") yet shared such
eastern Massachusetts customs as creating needless
construction projects like repairing a bridge that
seemed to work perfectly fine, cutting public
education budgets, and erecting statues to Ted
Kennedy, paid for by the Coalition to Cut Public
Education Funding.
New Englanders are, by tradition, irritable and
abrasive by nature. Much of this irritability is due
to the fact that New England, specifically
Massachusetts, is the "oldest child" of the United
States. Useless States that came out long after
Massachusetts, like Utah, Colorado and North Dakota,
got all sorts of benefits that Massachusetts didn't,
like straight borders and two-way divided highways.
What does this all have to do with Thanksgiving? Take
it easy, I'm getting there, and now will give you the
National Enquirer version of how Thanksgiving came to
be, since you want to know.
If you refer to your history books, which I know you
won't, you'll see that New England was first inhabited
by the Pilgrims for Limited Taxation. The pilgrims,
tired of the oppressive King who hated their funny
black hats, set sail on Mayflower Van Lines and landed
in Boston, only to find that construction diverted all
ships south of the city, and thus ended up in
Plymouth, named after the Volare that one of the
Pilgrims, nicknamed "Sully", drove. They celebrated
their journey at a tavern called The Rock (Sideline
here-- if you've never been to Plymouth, for some
reason the Hysterical-- I mean Historical Society of
Plymouth chooses to spell the name of the town
"Plimoth", for no reason other to create the need for
someone with nothing else to do to go to the
historical society HQ and ask why). Immediately upon
arrival, the pilgrims built triple-decker houses,
liquor stores and Chinese restaurants. Rather than
waste needless energy that could otherwise be spent
repressing people, they let their horses run free and
make up the roads in the town, the reason why today it
is virtually impossible to find a straight road longer
than 10 feet anywhere in Eastern Massachusetts. They
built these domiciles along side of these curvy roads
and homage to this architecture is found today in a
land called the South Shore (South Shore motto: "We
are not the North Shore").
Of course the pilgrims weren't the first inhabitants
of Plymouth or America in general. Native Americans,
who were called Indians until one of the pilgrims who
actually hailed from India, Ahmed Abdul-Rahim Johnson,
objected, roamed the land and had crazy ideas like
building casino and selling cheap cigarettes. Pilgrims
wanted the land for themselves and thought it might be
best to fight these Indians for their lands. But
instead, the pilgrims built toll-bridges to gain
entrance to this new land and the Indians, who were of
course penniless, were forced to retreat to a land now
called Foxwoods. However, today we salute these
Indians by naming all of our rivers and lakes after
them and today they get the get the last laugh by
hearing motorists try and pronounce the name
"Pemiwagassetaweebawopashishboomba River" as they
drive in rotting bridges over these bodies of water,
on their way to deposit their money in area casinos*.
*- A casino was founded by Indians as a way to pay for
those aforementioned tolls.
The leader of the pilgrims, Johnny Massachusetts,
proclaimed this new land his own, and had his buddies
Fred Braintree, Darren "too tall" Dedham, Josiah
Weymouth, Bill Rica, Tom Finneran (whoops) and two
guys just nicknamed "Sully" go off in the land and
found their own villages. Each agreed that for one day
a year they would all gather in Plymouth with their
Native American casino breathren, have a nice meal and
give Thanksgiving, and then try and destroy each
other's football teams the next day.
So this year, as you sit down at your table wherever
you are, carve into the bird, grab a spoonful of
potatoes and a forkful of stuffing, be thankful of the
many blessings you have and enjoy.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
