Notes from aboard the Acela...

As I drifted in and out of consciousness aboard the Acela last week, I decided to clean out my brain with some fresh mental floss and put down some thoughts into words... and here would be those words...

...Is it me or have parking spaces shrunk? For some reason it seems as though it's nearly impossible to park anywhere anymore and it's ironic since cars are much smaller than they were in the 80's or even last decade.

...Speaking of parking spaces, whoever designed any parking lot layout for a supermarket either (a) never drove before, (b) never visited a supermarket before and/or (c) forgot to factor in that people actually walk to and from a supermarket with a CART. It seems impossible to navigate around people with their carts and I love how they factor in extra spaces on the lines between spaces for the carts but they are about a foot too small. And yes, I'm writing this because I nearly hit a woman unloading her groceries the other day. I didn't feel that bad afterward as I saw her stash her cart at the end of the parking space rather than walking the 12 feet to the space where the carts should be retrieved and drive away, pet peeve #324 on my list.

...OK serious thought here: does anyone have a copy of the "law"? You know when something is said to be against the "law"... well, you sort of believe it. Steal something? Shame on you. That's against the law. Pass on the right while driving? Hmm, that's against the law too. Graze two sheep on your lawn in the month of August in the state of Vermont? That's against the law... or is it? We mainly just take it for granted that someplace, somewhere, it's written that you can and cannot do something.

So this leads to my new economic stimulus idea, since spending billions of dollars we don't have isn't seeming to help at all (from what I can tell): put thousands of unemployed Americans to work by going through all of the various "laws" and then documenting them. Then, filtering through the useless ones (like sheep grazing), making some new ones that should be there, having it stored on a website, and making everyone sign something saying that they've been on the website or even better, giving everyone a condensed copy made from newspaper no longer needed since newspapers are basically useless anyway.

[Yes, I know what you're saying, "we have lawyers who do this already". Well if we have so many lawyers, then why so many broken laws? I could steal something and be arrested and then say that I am under the impression that nothing is legal unless agreed upon in writing... and I never signed anything saying that I wouldn't do this, or even acknowledging it's illegal. I was just taught that stealing was wrong, and if I particularly didn't agree with my parents because I could claim that they told me whole milk and chuck ground beef was good for me and lead paint tastes best, then why should I believe them about stealing?]

But back to my point (collective applause): all Americans besides those over the age of 55, those honorably discharged and/or retired military personnel or those not yet 13 must sign a document acknowledging that they understand the "law" in America and agree to abide by it. Again, we could remove all of the old laws that don't really apply anymore or are useless, like the aforementioned sheep grazing one, and add in ones that might not exist but should, like driving too slow in the passing lane, acknowledging that yes indeed, coffee cups could very well contain hot liquids (so no need to print this on the side of the cup) and even silly ones like the number of times Bob from Bob's Discount Furniture can advertise an hour (ok, perhaps that's a stretch). Even so, we live in a democratic society, so we can make these rules with a majority rule!

Actually I just wrote the part about the hot liquids because some idiot just came back from the club car without a lid on their coffee and it spilled on their hand as they walked down the aisle and they grimaced, being mad at the TRAIN, going about 100 mph, and not the fact that they didn't think that perhaps putting a lid on the cup would be a good idea. Maybe a law against idiocy?

And thus the answer to illegal immigrants: welcome to America. Sign this document. We'll even get a translator for the language you speak. Now don't break the law. Because you've been warned and hey, we now have your signature on this handy document.

...I am convinced that ESPN's John Clayton is either a puppet or he's a computer hologram. He does not blink or change his facial expression between times he talks in a Q&A. Besides looking like what the kid from Jerry McGuire will look like when he gets older-- and perhaps, since that movie is now considered old, he's one and the same-- he sort of makes you mad that this guy somehow got into sports yet looks like he should be auditing your taxes.

...I believe the top new fake excuse for not paying attention on a Webex or conference call or just politely saying "I really don't give a shit about this call, or you, but I have to attend so it looks like I care" is now "Sorry, I had you on mute" when someone is asked a question and there is a delayed response. The old fake excuses used to be a tie between "Can you repeat that question? It was going in and out on my phone" and "I'm driving through a dead zone so I may have lost you" which is plummeting now thanks to good cell coverage. The "mute" excuse is one of my favorites since while people are on mute, very few people actually forget most likely because they are doing something else and don't want people to hear the typing of the keyboard or the sounds from the You Tube video they've been sent from their friends. I can so tell when people aren't paying attention. That should be my job... hmm... "Conference Call Attention Facilitator". I like the ring to that. Get it? Ring?

...Speaking of being on mute, I would have to say that this is the best innovation ever for any sort of phone. No one can hear Sportscenter on in the background, or the crunching of the food you're eating or the groans and sighs from the boredom of the call. You'd think that I would say caller name/ID would be the best, but think about it... while that helps you decide if you pick up or not, the mute button can hide your remorse at picking up, which is just as good if not better.

Ok, that's enough fodder for one day. There should be a law on the amount of drivel I write, right?

Mike