'Murica the Beaut

So after not writing anything for a number of years, at least in this format, lo and behold I'm like a crazy '80s DJ here with a "two-for". And all for the same price as one!

 I hope all of my American friends, which I think means 99.9% of my friends that I have, had an enjoyable and fun Independence Day weekend. And to everyone else, I at least hope your July 4th was, well, warm.

 Like most Americans, I spent this recent Independence Day weekend doing what we Americans like myself do best during Independence Day Weekend:

 1. We look at fireworks.

 I love fireworks. They explode. They're loud. They are colorful. Katy Perry thinks we might be one. They are not people talking to you or asking you how you are doing. Instead they make noise and then they're gone. You wonder how the person who made the firework, most likely Chinese (oh the irony!) fit all of that color and explosive goodness into that little cylinder. Then you realize, who cares, look! Fireworks! Screw the Chinese!*

 Of course I have my favorite and least favorite thing about fireworks. My favorite is, of course, the grand finale. We all know when the grand finale begins. The people organizing the fireworks, otherwise known as the "people more than likely to also be a Mall Santa come Christmas time" usually just send up a few random duds, like those single colored ones that don't go that high and don't make enough noise. But then...

WHAM.

Those white ones that explode and illuminate the air go off and you know they mean business. Rapid fire fireworks go off at a crazy pace and the oohs and ahhs fill the crowd. You don't know where to look. Multi-colored ones! Those loud bright white ones again! All at the same time! And then...

WHAM.
It's over.

A few cheers, some polite applause, even a "USA! USA!" chant perhaps, and then nothing besides the toxic smoke from the Chinese sweathouses permeate the air. And it's one of the few things where you can leave totally satisfied, having your fill of fireworks for a while, which lead me to my least favorite things about 4th of July fireworks.

 First, it's the hero neighbor/random drunk guy who thought they would singlehandedly save Independence Day by immediately firing off their own lousy cheap fireworks in their yard. Dude, we just saw a five-figure 10-15 minute fireworks show and your single snappers are going to keep the party going? It's sort of like catching an NIT semi-final game as the NCAA Final Four just ended. 

And last, and one of my huge pet peeves: people, who instead of gazing in wonder at the awesomeness that are fireworks exploding in the air, instead take out their phones or cameras and think that the world absolutely cannot be looking at fireworks-- I mean, what are the odds at 8pm on the Fourth of July-- so they can either share them on social media or, even worse, take pictures so they keep them and view them later. "Oh glad you came over, here let me get out my photo books so I can show you fireworks from 2005. That was a dandy year. Here are the oval red ones with the exploding thing in the middle... hmm, little blurry there, probably because my camera flash that went off goes a maximum distance of 12 feet, and then whoa, here's the beginning of the grand finale...". Calgon, take me away!

 Anyone have any Calgon? Rhetorical question there, because they went out of business in the 80's. And that is the only ancient Chinese secret I want to know regarding fireworks.

 *"Screw the Chinese" was written with peace and love, much like Monty Python's song "I Like Chinese". Or something like that. I tried to make up for it with the Calgon reference but am afraid I not only made it worse, but severely dated myself.

 2. We drink beer, more than likely American made beer.

 My wife and I spent the weekend in Vermont (unofficial state motto: "Vermont... We Reluctantly Have Been Spooning With New Hampshire for Millions of Years") and Vermont is apparently known for more than just green trees, green people, green mountain coffee, Mr. Green Jeans, and green... well, you know. Vermont has quite a formidable microbrew presence and we had a few samplings of beer at many of the local breweries. My personal favorite was an IPA that was called-- no joke-- "Dude, Are You OK?" for its 9.1% content. We felt more American knowing that it was made in America, and by locally owned breweries rather than the big beer conglomerates. Well that, plus they only served that beer at these breweries, so our choices were limited. Still, you can paint my liver red, white and brew. And green, I suppose.

 3. We eat American food, like hamburgers, bacon, random farm animal products, and then drink more American made beer.

 Because you can't make friends with salad. My wife is a vegetarian and I am not and we have both agreed to co-exist by agreeing that, if offered meat to eat, I will probably say yes while she will decline and the world will continue to spin and fireworks will continue to detonate.

 I've had $100 steaks in some of the finest steakhouses in the country served with a fine horseradish sauce or au jus, tenderized to the point where you can basically cut it with a fork and if given the choice between that fine cut of filet mignon or a juicy ground beer hamburger with a slab of cheese, a little lettuce and onion, and a fresh roll, you can bet your box of Calgon that... well hmm, I am going with that filet mignon. I mean, who's kidding who here. But at a BBQ they often don't have au jus sauce (at least not with the juice reduction the way I like it), so fire up a burger and I'm as happy as a grand finale firework!

 4. We pretend to watch things like the Women's World Cup when in reality we probably streamed "Joe Dirt 2" on our iPad.

I tweeted out "Way to go #WomensUSA soccer!! USA! USA!" and made a Facebook post about how the USA is the best country in the world AND we won a soccer game.

I watched exactly zero minutes of the seemingly infinite minutes that are in a soccer game.

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't like soccer. I have nothing against those who do. It has nothing to do with it being the women's game-- in fact, I would have watched this *because* it was the women playing but in all honesty, I forgot it was on until I went to do my fantasy baseball transactions that were due at 10pm and the score scrolled as "breaking news". It's sort of like listening to NPR. We'll put the bumper stickers on the back of the car but no one outside of prison walls or a DNC convention listens to NPR, and those that do, won't be reading something as "gauche"as a "blog" so I don't care about pissing those people off.**

 ** Ok I probably alienated many people with my comments about soccer here. Quick: who won the Women's World Cup before this one? Exactly.

5. We write redundant sentences with repetitive bad use of participles. See "the beginning of this long rant".

 Well I think that's enough for one night although you could argue that I am 2 for 4 years but batting .500 gets me into the hall of fame, unless there's extra minutes of the soccer game and then...

 WHAM