Debate a day late and a dollar short...

SO... I'm pretty pissed right now.

After watching some of last night's debate between McCain and Obama, I had a great idea to write up my own mock debate and today, in between distracting myself from work and the week's events, I wrote it up. To spice it up and for comedic value alone, I included Palin and Biden in the debate and of course wrote about each of the candidate's "quirks" and also included Joe the Plumber in my mock debate.

Genius! (in my mind)

Well... SNL decided to kill time and put their own lousy show on tonight which took a lot of my own ideas and put it on the air. So I decided to shelve it and bring it out closer to the election where I can then edit it and make it seem "fresh", and not in the douchebag "fresh" way.

However I did find my 2004 debate email and decided to post it here anyway.

So go back in time and relive our reviled W and the flip-flopper and enjoy.
====================================
Fellow Americans (and a few Canadians, I think):

I am pleased to offer this exclusive
transcript of the Fourth Presidential Debate for
Election 2004. You may have thought that the
candidates only agreed to three debates, however using
some of the surplus from the Clinton Administration,
enough money was found to have a fourth. While the
Bush campaign party strongly opposed this debate since
it required the President to speak in complete
sentences and not use an earpiece, both teams agreed
to this on the condition that Kerry not whiten his
teeth and oversmile and that Bush try to say words
with more than three syllables. The debate was
conducted in my basement, aka Mantown, and carried on
C-SPAN2 (yes there is a C-SPAN2, as if C-SPAN1 and its
one camera wasn't enough).

Moderator (me): Thank you Senator Kerry and President
Bush for attending this totally false and made-up
Fourth Debate of the Presidential Election, live from
Mantown in Manchester, New Hampshire. This debate will
be short, as I can only type so much, and you will
each have several sentences to answer each question
directed at you, and those responding have several
sentences less, and so on, and you get the drift.
Before this debate, a coin was flipped to determine
who gets to answer the first question and the winner
was Senator Kerry, with President Bush, for some
reason, saying that he will defend the north End Zone.
So Senator Kerry, the first question is to you.

Me: Senator, your voting record in the Senate for the
past 20 years has been rather lackluster, attending
only a sporadic number of votes on the floor, some of
which were crucial to the debate. How can Americans be
so sure that you won't be retreating to Camp David and
that you will be an active president?

Kerry: Well first Mike, I want to thank you for
writing this email, since I get rather bored on the
Senate floor, when I do show up, and need something
besides Ted Kennedy's bar tab on his expense reports
to read. I want to address your question head-on, and
say that I have a plan. A plan. I have one. I told my
plan to Bethany, a midwifer from Rochester, New
Hampshire, just north of here. I asked her what a
midwifer was, and she told me. And I told her my plan.
If elected President, I intend to let everyone know
what a midwifer is and what she does, and what my plan
is and how i'll use it.

Bush: Thank you Mike for letting me come here. We no
longer live in a pre "9-11" America. That is because
my administration has spent millions to prove that
indeed we are living in a post "9-11" America.
(pause). 9-11 happened. (pause). It's in the past.
(pause). We've been through a lot together. Remember
that time I, I, denied I knew anything? Yeah, me too.
See, a lot together.

Me: Since neither of you directly answered that
question, I'll try again with another one and this one
is for President Bush. Mr. President, it has been said
that the quality of health care the past four years
has declined substantially and that your
administration hasn't done anything to combat the high
premiums from insurance companies. How do you plan to
change things, if you intend to, the next four years
if re-elected?

Bush: Well first Mike, I am proud of our health care
system. Sure, it ain't perfect. We got them Canadiens
there, to our "north", who make cheaper medicines.
That's ok. I've done research on how we can better our
health care bill. My research shows that if Americans
wash their hands with soap, they reduce their chances
of getting sick. That's why I propose, with the help
of my good friends at [checking notes to see where his
investments are] "Proc-tor" and "Gam-ble", to
introduce the "No Germs Left Behind" bill which will
give bars of soap, useful soap, to all Americans. We
gotta wash our hands. We do. It's that simple.

Kerry: Mike, to say that all Americans can cure their
ills with soap is just wrong. See, I have a plan. I
remember meeting Millie, an unemployed redneck at a
tractor pull in Jethro, West Virginia, complaining
that she has missed an entire week's work at the Dairy
Queen because of a twinge in her back. Millie gave me
an idea for a plan. And a plan I have. If elected, I
intend to start the "Don't Get Sick" campaign and my
plan will encourage all Americans to suck it up a
little, to take a few aspirin and get some additional
sleep, and see if their problem goes away. Got a
stuffy nose? Blow it. It works for me, and my plan
will work for everyone.

Me: I can only hope for the health of our citizens no
matter who wins this. Maybe i'll have better luck with
an education question. Senator Kerry, Massachusetts
has long been known as an "education" state, with many
fine colleges and learning institutions across the
commonwealth. What plan do you have for improving our
education level in the United States if you're
elected?

Kerry: Well Mike, we have all seen what lack of
funding for education has done under a Republican
government and presidency. I mean, highly educated
people are becoming disenchanted in their own jobs
that don't challenge their brain and are instead
writing long-winded emails that have no point and go
nowhere and--

Me: (coughing a little) Ahem, um, stick to the
question please, Senator.

Kerry: Our children have become dumber and as a
result, people like Janice, a crackwhore in Michigan
who I met at a Steak N Shake after a night out with
Ted Kennedy, are now turning tricks instead of
untangling trigonometry. I have a plan for education.
Education has been successful in Massachusetts,
especially in spelling, because the name of our state
is so hard to spell. You can see states like
Connnecticut, Pennsylvania, Mississippi... they all
have great spelling scores, besides Mississippi. I
pledge to reform education in states like Utah, like
Ohio, like Maine, to rename their states harder to
spell names and give our kids something tougher to
spell. I mean, President Bush's name is only one
syllable, and most kids add on an 'e' to the end
because it looks cool. I have a plan.

Bush: You know, I've been told that the "internets"
have all sorts of electronic e-mail-a-ma-jigs about my
edu-ma-cation. That's ok. I'm proud to show Americans
that you don't "need" education to become a President.
We introduced, with the help of the Democrats, my "No
Child Left Behind" bill. We're going to continue that
with my new program called "'C's' to Amaze". That
program will give C students, like I was, the
opportunity to B.S. their way out of class, to prove
that maybe that material they gotta lean just ain't
that important. It ain't! Also, my opponent hasn't
once mentioned that we can make our "internets" more
useful my deploying BOTH of the "internets". My
opponent only seems asphixiated on one.

Me: You do realized you used the word "asphixiated"
when you meant "fixated", don't you?

Bush: Just stick to the questions. That's our deal,
remember.

Me: Right. I think it's time to conclude our debate. I
would ask your views on gay marriage, however the
language that I would imagine both of you would use to
describe some of your fantasies would make this email
either undeliverable or directly into the "spam"
folder, so i'll go back to "old reliable". And
speaking of old reliable, tell me about the women in
your life again. I mean, that stole the show in the
last debate.

Bush: Well thank you Mike, and yes, I love women,
especially those who vote for me. I told America about
the time I met Laura, and how it was love at first
sight. I remember how she blew me off at first, and I
got her drunk and lied that I was a successful oil
businessman and that there was a sample of my "crude"
in the backseat of my pickup. [chuckles] That worked
everytime. I was immediately impressed that during her
"walk of shame" home from that BBQ that she didn't
immediately call me the next morning, making me meet
her parents or telling me that she loved me right
away. But enough of my wife. (mild applause). How
about my daughters? I mean dang, they are hot. Hot!
Got them twins there. Hot! You will see them in their
"twen-ties" the next four years. Vote for my opponent
and guess what, America. No Bush twins. That's right.
And if someone told me ten years ago that a woman
named Barbara Bush were hot, well, I'd have said you
were "loo-ney".

Kerry: First, I want to say how much I admire the
First Lady and how terrific I think she is. Laura is a
fine woman, and even though she didn't accept my
number I tried to give her after the last debate, I
still respect her. I told Ted Kennedy that didn't work
and maybe next time i'll offer her a drive in my car.
But last time I talked about the women in my life, I
talked about my mother. The first debate, I talked
about my wife, Teresa. Well I'd like to take that a
step further and talk about Mother Teresa. She was
quite an incredible woman and as Bonnie, an invalid
from ... [checking random swingvote state] ... Ohio
said, "I really want a woman like Mother Teresa to be
my nurse and increase my dosage of morphine." Amen to
you Bonnie, and to you Mother Teresa."

Me: Um, thanks Senator Kerry. That concludes our
fourth debate of the Presidential election. I would
like to thank... hold on a second...

Ralph Nader: Hey! Nice directions, Robinson. "Take a
left off the exit". Yeah, right! Did I miss anything?
Do I still have time?

Kerry: NO!
Bush: NO! I mean, YES!
Me: Have a great week, and no matter what you do
November 2nd, vote.

Mike

Taken for granite-- I mean, granted.

Good morning you hamburgers and cheeseburgers (RIP Little Joe Cooke, even if he's not dead yet...)

As I sit here in the Granite State, I tend to be more reflexive, pensive, comprehensive, and other words that end in the suffix "ive" and look around this great state, gazing at its beauty and its splendor. Of course I usually do this while at work which isn't a good thing unless I get a job at some state park, and at this rate, that's not all that far-fetched.

I thought of a few things which we all seem to take for granted, and decided to write about them. Those things that I thought about are words, and those words are here. And yes, some of this is recycled crap that I wrote a while back but borrowing some of Sarah Palin's milf-stick, I put a little on this ol' pig:

1. The "Snooze" button. I cannot thank the person enough who realized that not only does the average person who has an alarm clock not only not want to get up when their alarm clock goes off, but that after pressing that magical button, decided that exactly 9 minutes was "enough" in order for it to go off again. Just for that reason, for years I always set my alarm at a time ending in 1, knowing I would snooze for 9 minutes and then wake up exactly on a time ending with "0". Thus, I could tell people that I get up at a time like "6:30" or "7:00" instead of sounding like a total dork and saying "I wake up at 6:21 every mornng." I can see it now... my first item on this list and I've probably lost half of you already.

2. The phrase "you know". Everyone says it (at least those who speak English), athletes praise it, and I would easily campaign for it to be inserted into Webster's dictionary as "you know (-u `no) (adj); 1. Something people say when they just can't think of anything better to say, eg: 'I hate this place, you know?' or 'You know, um, you smell, you know?'; 2. Required language for any professional or collegiate athlete in any sentence. eg: 'You know, we played hard out there and, you know, gave it our all, you know, but you have to, you know, take these games one game at a time, you know, and then get back at it, you know, tomorrow.'" How many of us have been in a situation where we have no idea what we are talking about, stream off a bunch of gibberish phrases filled with "you know's" and then somehow got the other person to be filled with self-doubt about their own knowledge and think you're the more intelligent person? Probably none, but that's because you have to learn to use them constructively, like I did in a recent exchange with a colleague about a technology that I guess we sell here which I know nothing about. It went something like this: "Hey Mike, ever see a customer with frame relay have their DLCI framed so that the PVC channels emit a bandwidth higher than their own thru-put?" (note: after a sentence of this magnitude it is important that you recognize right away that (a) you have no idea what this person just said and (b) you respond immediately and not do what you naturally feel like doing, like pick your nose or run out of the room, screaming). Me: "Well, you know, the DLCI was framed, you know, and the customer does use frame relay after all* so, you know, it's entirely possible that perhaps* their own thru-put could have a bandwidth higher than, you know, they originally intended to have." (*-important words that mean nothing but sound cool). Of course, re-reading this sentence means absolutely nothing, and after I looked up what some of these things mean isn't even technically correct, but I walked away looking like I knew what I was saying, and I'm still employed, so why not say it, you know?

3. Getting the news on your cell phone. Those of us who have wireless toys, and I presume that based on the failure of my old company who specialized in wired land-line technology, is that most of you know what I'm talking about. Being trapped in a carpool in traffic with a bunch of people who are talking about their kids, insurance, or how much the traffic sucks doesn't present the best fodder for you to talk nor do you want to. It's easy-- just whip out the old cell phone and read about the latest news. Better yet, set the phone/pager to vibrate or ring when the news comes in, which if you get the right service is every 1/2 hour, making it look like you have an important call. Just say, "let me see who it is" and then pretend you're reading a text message or something. Pushing the buttons on the phone randomly to see if you can make a song is also fun (I learned dialing my name sounds like Yankee Doodle). Best of all, people leave you out of the conversations about their kids, insurance, or the traffic. Highly underrated.

4. Those oversized cups you get at drive-thrus or convenience stores but still fit into your beverage container in your car. A modern engineering miracle. It used to be impossible to purchase the 72 oz Huge Gulp or whatever it's called unless you were riding around in a F350 with those extra rear tires (what are those for anyway?). Now the cups are ergonomically shaped to fit into even a Hyundai Accent's flimsy cheap container (tested and proven). You almost feel guilty about filling up the cup at the 7-11, drinking half of it, then re-filling it up before you put the lid on, as if 72 oz of any fluid isn't enough for the average person.

5. Hourly "Sportscenters" on ESPN. Who cares if it is the same Sportscenter repeated over and over. I can watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back shows and still have to tune in to see something. Plus, two words: Erin Andrews. I have issues.

6. The thing near your fuel gauge on the dashboard of your car that reminds you what side of your car you need to fill your gas tank. How many of us have driven up to a gas pump only to find that it's necessary to turn all the way around because the gas tank is on the wrong side? Answer: no one. On second thought, this isn't underrated at all. It's useless. I'm having some writer's block I think. I think. Um.

7. If #6 wasn't bad enough, then this probably isn't any better. But it has to go to 24 hour breakfast places. There is nothing better than having a stack of pancakes, sausage, and some eggs, along with toast with 30 of those small little jelly things at 3am. Well actually, there are much better things you could be doing at 3am. Being a guy and having breakfast at 3am means that you probably aren't with the girl you were trying to score with all night and instead are taking your oral fixation needs out on a stack of flapjacks. But they are good. Of course, this will segue into my last thought...

8. The "Wingman". Long before Coors decided to make a pretty funny commercial about how the "wingman" (i.e. the guy who "takes one for the team" and gets stuck talking to the token fat, hideous, or totally uninteresting chick in a group of girls so other friends can try to pick up the prettier ones), the wingman in a group fast becomes your best buddy. The terms "maverick" and "cougar" are actually more common (Top Gun terms are still cool to use even after 15+ years after that movie came out). I have been wingman many times, but normally by default as most of my friends just went right for the prettier girls right away while the ADD part of me focused on stupid things, like where the bathrooms were located or what the cheapest beers were so I knew what to order when it's my turn to buy a round. My fondest wingman memory was a girl who was from Brookline who had a lisp and everytime she said the word "music" I thought she was saying the 's' word, like "mu-shit". So when she said "I hate this music" or "This music is too loud" I thought she had a foul mouth. She also danced with her "thumbs-up". Guys know what I mean by this. Her hands were in a frozen "Fonz" thumbs-up position as she moved her arms around, like she was cool. I think she danced like that to "Love Shack" which is one of the reasons I hate that song. Totally annoying, but if I remember correctly I distracted her long enough away from her group of friends some friends could take care of business. As a result, I got a couple of rounds from them as well as the chance to write this column, showing how much of a loser I was*. *- please let me use this word in the past tense. Please.

By the way, best t-shirt logo ever:



That's all folks. Enjoy your Tuesday or whenever you read this, you know.

Mike

Think Outside the Bun in the Fast Lane...

Buenos nachos,

As I was arriving home from a long day on the road last week, I realized I was hungry and remembered that besides some chip and dip and some condiments from food from a BBQ I hosted the past weekend, I had no food. So I decided to zip on up Rt 3 and had a craving for Taco Bell. Usually when I desire Taco Bell, I am one of two things: incredibly drunk or realizing I have only around $6 in my wallet. So I sped up the road and then I realized that there are two things that really piss me off. I decided to entertain you by writing about them.

1. Taco Bell Commercials. There are three fundamental reasons why any of us eat at Taco Bell: we are mesmerized and sucked into the perception that we can have a full meal from the money that is on the floor of our car, we are incredibly inebriated, or we have little or no standards to "Mexican" food whatsoever. Of course since one of those bean burritos for 79 cents won't fill up even the smallest child, we often go hog wild and order 4 regular tacos, 2 soft tacos, 3 bean burritos, several things we can't pronounce, and of course, a large diet coke. It still only comes to around $6 and we have the perception that we will be having a Mexican food feast only to realize that they use an eyedropper to put the "meat" into the food and exactly 4 minutes after the last bite of whatever you order, you begin the dreaded sport of projectile shitting.

The new commercials feature some asshole on an elevator who takes a bite out of what appears to be a giant cheese-filled sandwich from some douchebag stupid enough to open up his lunch in a crowded elevator. What pisses me off about this commercial is that you actually get angrier at that douchebag for not only opening his lunch in an elevator and then talking to people about his lunch but realizing he didn't immediately punch the other guy in the face the second he ate his food. I can only imagine how excited these two actors were to find out that they were in a commercial from a "major sponsor", read their script that called for acting like a total tool for Taco Bell, and then having to go through with it.

Speaking of Taco Bell, to this day I can not order the Nachos Bell Grande. When I was in college, one of my roommates came home from a long night at the bars, totally wasted, and of course carrying the overflowing bag of take-out Taco Bell (which smartly is open past 1am). Of course since I was such a great student, I was stone cold sober while studying for an important exam to help better my career aspirations. OK, so this whole story is a little embellished... anyway, as I proceeded to see him wolf down the entire bag in about 15 seconds while proclaiming after each bite that it was "the best __ ever", I went down the hall of my dorm to avoid getting sick to my stomach and about five minutes later, heard him running down the hall to the bathroom. Thinking he was throwing up, I felt compelled to follow him in (for some reason we used to do this a lot) only to see that instead he was there in the handicrapper, door open, laughing his ass off and taking what probably was the foulest smelling dump ever and them proclaiming that he was taking a "Beer Shit Bell Grande".

To add to the effect, I present to you... the Nachos Bell Grande. Bon appetit. Sorry, I should have warned you not to read this while eating anything.

Here's a picture of my dorm room during my junior year of college with my old roommate who took the aforementioned dump playing either Mario Bros or TechmoBowl on our No-Friend-O (I'm on the floor probably assembling a camera or some video equipment for my esteemed television career).



Yep, you guessed it: we got laid a lot. That's a fucking Flounder stuffed animal with a lei around it hanging from our ceiling which we thought would attract the girls and show how "sensitive" we were and the bottle caps on the ceiling would look like "stars in the sky" as we both enjoy post-coitus snuggling in our bunk beds. BUNK BEDS!! Of course all it really took was this secret potion I like to call "alcohol".

2. People who come to a complete stop in the "Fast Lane" on a highway. The whole reason to get a Fast Lane tag in your car is so you can avoid having to scrounge for change, roll down the window, pay a toll for a road that is probably long since paid for, and then moving along. Of course the line that you have to wait in to play the toll is bad enough; we have to slow down to PAY. I would gladly slow down if they were giving us something back. So, most states have this Fast Lane (some call it EZ Pass) designed to allow you to drive on through as the toll gets automatically charged to your credit card or bank account, softening the blow of realizing you're actually being charged and of course, allowing us free Americans to avoid as much human contact with strange toll collectors as possible.



Of course there's always some jerk who gets confused that they are in a Fast Lane and don't know what to do. You with these tags know what I'm talking about, they zip down the lane (because unlike the paying toll booths, there is no line), they slow down and then speed up, then slow down, then put the directional on, you honk, they try and back up, you don't let them, and they go through, hoping that they won't be charged a fine or get a letter in the mail with a camera picture of their car going through the lane with a comment that the toll-booth police were thoroughly enjoying the footage showing your confusion. By the way, do NOT let these people back up. You have to learn not to do it again somehow. Tough love, my friend.

But the worst are those people who slow down to nearly a complete stop and who DO know what they are doing. To those who do, here are some reasons not to: 1. They call it FAST Lane, not Slow Down to a Stop Lane; 2. Remarkably, electronics has progressed quite a bit since the card-reader machine and those scanners can pick up your car at remarkably fast speeds, like scanning food at a supermarket; and 3. You just suck if you do. I have determined that you can go through the Fast Lane at around 25-30 mph and not get caught speeding. Give it a try sometime.

So to make a long story short, I got home later than expected and enjoyed my chips with leftover dip, pickles and spicy mustard. Yo quiero Doritos.

Thinking outside the bun,
Mike

Gentlemen, start your engines...

Hey there all,

Even though I have lived up in Little Canada, aka New Hampshire, for a few years now, I have often been looked at by the natives up here as an "outsider". Sure, it could be my driving habits, taken directly from where I grew up in Massachusetts (my driving school motto was "License Yours, No Questions Asked, Just Don't Bounce The Check), my quasi-accent, the fact I still add 5% sales tax to some things, or that I am not currently driving an American-made pickup and I don't own and have never shot a gun, at least not for the hell of it.

But then it dawned on me that I haven't done the ONE thing that separates NH from the rest of the New England states. Yep, you guessed it.

I hadn't been to a NASCAR event.

Through pure serendipity and calling in a favor, I happened to grab a few free tickets to this past weekend's "Sylvania 300" series. While thinking that perhaps Sylvania makes light bulbs that are now 300 watts, instead I was told that this indicates how many laps each car goes around the track during the race. Ok, I'm getting it now, this is easy.

In a town just north of Concord (city motto: "No, We're Not Named After the Grape, Sorry") called Loudon (town motto: "The First Four Letters of Our Town Describe Our Races") there is absolutely nothing besides a Shell station, some run-down apartment buildings... and naturally, a race track with grandstands that fit 95,000 people. Because no one knowingly and willingly enters the town of Loudon ever besides twice per year for its two annual racing events, the roads are understandably not equipped to handle cars and trucks carrying 95,000 people so I was told to arrive early to beat the traffic, pack a cooler of beer to take into the racetrack, and not cheer for anyone named Busch, unless it's one of those cold beers in the aforementioned cooler.

WAIT.

Did I just get told to pack a cooler of beer to take INTO the racetrack? It is OK to bring IN beer to a sporting event? Yessiree! It turns out that NASCAR did a marketing study and found that watching 300 laps of cars going in circles to the left can be "boring at times", so I'd need an excuse to forget that I am indeed doing this. OK, I'm beginning to warm to the NASCAR experience.

To capture the experience, I tried to remember the approximate times of the day where something noteworthy came up and then what I did. Because bringing in paper and a pen to write down things to remember would tip off fans that I can read AND write and therefore provoke fans to make fun of my "fancy writing thingie", I used my noggin to try and remember, and only because I took a picture of myself at around lap 190, staring off into space, drooling, completely catatonic saying in a monotone voice "I'm going to write about this," while feeling I'd morphed into Cousin Eddie from "Christmas Vacation", here goes:

10:45am: After losing a debate that I shouldn't drive my Lexus to a NASCAR race for very obvious reasons, I donned my rain jacket and my Schlitz hat and my friend Janell and I begun to head up to Loudon with a cooler of tailgate food, a second special cooler of beer, some chairs, a camera, my last will and testament, and a rain jacket. She had been to one of these before and promised that I "was going to love this". I noticed she was crossing her fingers. Hmm.

11:05am: We're already past Concord and there was absolutely no traffic. The rain is coming down pretty well. Not a good sign.

11:10am: We then get onto the road that leads to the speedway which appears to be around 7 miles of stop and go traffic. Not a good sign, but in a different way.

11:20am: I notice one of those cell phone towers that has the fake branches on them that is made to look like a tree but because there are around 20 total branches on the gray metallic tower and the fact that the tower is easily twice the height of the rest of the evergreen trees, I asked her if the she thought if the people who made them seriously thought they were going to fool anyone into thinking that rather than a cell tower, it's just a really ugly, super-tall tree. "Only you would think of something like that," I was told, to which I pretty much agreed. But seriously, who are they trying to kid? Did I mention we were stuck in traffic?

11:20-12:15pm: Several witty comments made by me which were basically too boring or mundane to mention here, and since this blog is basically made to capture these gems, you can only imagine how boring they must have been.

12:15: Finally we get to the road where the parking lots are. The scene it total chaos. There are cars everywhere. Lots were filled with squatters just looking for parking spots and places to tailgate. We missed the turn to where our friends were and instead ended up in the "Family Parking" area which were really a bunch of RVs that apparently have to be fully occupied by 10pm. Time to turn around.

12:20: Ironically, we found a parking lot and spot that was about 200 ft away from where our friends were. This is a good sign!

12:25-1:30: After meeting up with Josh and his cousins, we tailgated for about an hour. It's a typical tailgate, like before football games, except rather than seeing people wear clothing and hats where the home team colors dominate, all you see is numbers.



1:50: We walk to the grandstand area and get our tickets. I am told that we CANNOT miss the "gentlemen start your engines" declaration as well as the actual starting of the engines, so we quickly get in line to security.

1:52: The 14-yr old kid who checks my cooler of beer opens it up. "Beer," he says. "Have a good time." Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially NOT going to Foxboro.

1:53: The lady takes my ticket and scans it. "Make sure that if you leave, you get your hand stamped so you can get back in." I look at her quizzically. "You mean you can LEAVE... and you can come back?" She shook her head and I then knew it was too good to be true until she added, "Only if you have your hand stamped". She then smiled. Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially NOT going to Fenway.

1:55: Told to hurry by Janell so we wouldn't miss the engines revving up, we go inside to as far as the gate as we can go. Turns out we are right at the starting line, and on that starting line on the track are a bunch of people including... Senator John McCain. I have just gone from a Springer-show audience to being 30 feet away from the possible next President of the United States. Only in America... or at least, Loudon NH.



1:55-1:59: McCain says something about how great it is to b e in New Hampshire and how happy he is to be back in the Granite State. I would imagine that his speech is written something like a Mad Lib that goes like this:

"My fellow Americans, I am honored and proud to be back in [state name] for this [event name]. It's always good to be back in the [colorful state nickname]. My wife [wife name] and I love coming back here. Unlike [name of unsuccessful Democratic presidential candidate with a funny name, like Dukakis], we are committed to serving the good people of [state name, of if confused, just say "this state"] for the next four years. Why, I remember back in [pick a year between 1960 and 1970 so no one will call you on it] when I was here [name of a worthy event or charitable cause] and I can still [taste, smell, see] the [popular food item] that I've known to love here in [state name]. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, [sporting event catchphrase]!!"

Of course I couldn't really hear anything since I think I forgot to mention that the engines had already started anyway.

Here's how close we were to McCain, not that I could just be lying and secretly have a big zoom lens (ladies dig the big zoom lens):



2:05: After a few practice laps, the cars rev up and go. There are few feelings in this world that compare to being only a few feet away from a track where cars driving at around 200 mph produce a wind of exhaust, tire pieces, driver's teeth, etc., that come flying at you. I now know why sitting in the front row is less expensive than seats 30 rows up.



2:10: I ask "who do I root for" and am told "just pick a car and follow it". Since not only do I not care who is racing, I look at the cars and couldn't make up my mind. So I saw one that said "Stanley Tools" on it and thought, "well I did use some Stanley Tools when I did my Home Depot kitchen over, so I guess I'll pick that one." It was the #19 car and I think "cool. Josh Beckett. Fred Lynn." I have to remind myself I am not at Fenway, not that the cooler of beer I'm carrying doesn't constantly remind me of this.

2:11: I then see the Home Depot car and want to change my mind. F me. Janell says that I can't once I pick a car. I think I called her "Ms. Nascar" or something not that either of us could really hear anything.

2:20: Getting to our seats, 30 rows up, cooler in hand, we sit.

2:20-2:45. And we sit.

2:46 (or so): A crash! I hate to admit it, but watching crashes are fun. It sure beats...

2:50: More sitting.

2:52: Time to take a picture of the #19 car for everyone! Problem is, they go too fast. So, this picture was as close as I got:



2:55: Hey, I just realized that I'm bringing my new universal "coolie" commemorating Mike Doolan's 30th Birthday. This is my favorite coolie because I think I have about a dozen of these and don't care if I lose them (sorry Mike). Here's a picture of me trying to amuse myself while cars go around in circles:



3:00 to whenever: Since I really couldn't hear much since my ears were plugged, I then did a little bit of people watching. And here are my observations:

-- To our left was a child around 11-12 years old and presumably his Dad. Every time a certain car came around the turn, he would stand up and flip the bird and yell "FUCK YOU!". Interesting. I then looked for the car with the "Department of Social Services" sponsorship.
-- None of the race cars are sponsored by Colgate, AIM, Pepsodent or Dial, Dove, Right Guard or Ivory. Coincidence?
-- Racing car shirts are like Christmas sweaters: you drag them out once a year and then curse yourself if you have to leave the environment where you're wearing them and be exposed in them. Not that I am a fashion plate by any means, but the colors of most of the shirts are probably best suited for walking through the woods during hunting season and trying not to get shot. However with just a Schlitz hat and a black rain coat, I was considered "preppy".
-- No one really seemed to boo anyone. I did hear some boos for Jeff Gordon who, according to the guy we walked up behind to get to our seats, was "a fag" and for the Busch guy because I think people thought he was the president. Wait. I didn't hear anything because of the earplugs. I established this already.
-- I was able to see who was ahead and then count how many cars my car, #19, was behind. It was a little emasculating to see Janell make a "four" or "six" with her hands and then I flash both hands three times to let her know my loser car was in 30th place. I then felt much, much better when I reminded myself I really didn't give a shit.

I was then caught staring with my mouth open in a catatonic like trance at absolutely nothing whatsoever. She was fortunately able to catch this exciting moment on film and the picture is below. I believe that my mind was playing a continuous loop of some country music I heard on the way in and my mind was thinking mundane thoughts like "Green is a pretty color... Lowe's... Tony Stewart... people applaud... beer... 42 laps to go... exhaust... I like green... "



I then tried to guestimate how much time we had left sitting and staring at cars going around in a circle. Using my astute mathematical prowess (HA) I took a car and timed it. I counted. Around 40 seconds to make a lap. Around 40 laps to go. Hmm. Not being able to completely figure it out since I suck at math, I thought that I'd have about 1/2 hour to go.

Then, more accidents.

It at least allowed me to take pictures of cars.



OK, enough pictures of cars. Hey, the guy in front of me has a t-shirt from a place called the Boothill Saloon! I've never heard of that before!! I have to get a picture taken of it! Might as well include us in the shot as well!



To make an already too long story a little shorter, I'll sum it up by saying that someone named Greg Wiffle won (I assume he is related to the ball), we hung out because 95,000 people leaving all at once just isn't that coordinated, they played Sweet Caroline and Dirty Water to TRY and make it appear that we are still in New England, and then we left to tailgate for the next, oh, 8 hours, where I got my ass kicked in beer pong by Janell and one of Josh's cousins.

Good times, and actually, I think I might go back for the next race. Yep... I can feel my teeth loosening right now...

Mike

Sportscaster Babes

Ladies, there is no need for you to read this blog, not that any of you really read these things anyway. This is dedicated to the men out there longing for entertainment in written form, specifically those who love watching sports.

Oh, OK, so you're reading anyway. Fine.

It used to be that TV sportscasters were hired either for their knowledge or their insight into the game and not for their looks. This period was long known as the Cosellian Era, named after Howard Cosell who either you loved or hated but who had a voice that was easily identifiable as well as mockable. If you think Monday Night Football, you used to think Cosell, Al Michaels, Don Meredith... all good sportcasters who either showed off their Syracuse degree (Bob Costas, Michaels, etc.) or their pride of not being too banged up from concussions to talk in semi-complete sentences and some rememberance of their playing years (OJ Simpson pre-murder, Meredith, Criqui, etc.).

However after the Cosellian era, ratings seemed to drop. A sharp team of marketing individuals did a survey to figure out why. They came back with two answers: breasts. Guys like looking at breasts. Guys also like watching sports. Hmm. Breasts. Sports. Watching sports. Seeing breasts. It was the metaphorical peanut butter-meets-chocolate of sports broadcasting.

Now, football had cheerleaders specifically for this purpose. But it was hard to justify the camera to go to cheerleaders besides by accident since they bring little or no tangible value to the game. I'm sure that early scripts that were rejected went something like this: "1st and 20, Bradshaw in the shotgun formation. Three wideouts at the line and Harris now in motion. Candace is waving her pompoms. Bradshaw calls for the snap." Somehow, while we liked Candace and loved her pompoms, there was no reason to go to Candace at any point besides a football player going out of bounds and into the cheerleaders by mistake. Ha ha, "mistake!". So a great innovation was introduced: the "Sideline Reporter" or "In-Game Reporter".

And so it was born: justifying a hot chick to be shown on camera to share nothing substantial whatsoever but give you another reason to not get up off your couch during a lull in the action.

The steady rise of sideline reporters was documented by none other than Melissa Stark, hired by ABC to at least provide some sort of distraction from the gang of idiots like Eric Dickerson, Dennis Miller, etc., who worked Monday Night Football. While we had to put up with their witty banter, we hung around for those magic words: "And now let's to go Melissa Stark on the sideline." For those who don't remember, the dialogue was something like this:

Dennis Miller: "So Favre goes back to pass and it's... incomplete. Just like this one gig I did at the Chuckles in West Chester. I mean, talk about dying."
Eric Dickerson: "Yo what it is, I be dyin' if you be bringin' up mo stories like dat!"
Dan Fouts: "Yeah."
DM: "I second what you said Eric, whatever that was. Which reminds me of this one time on Saturday Night Live, when Dana Carvey and I were--"
ED: "Let's be goin to Melissa Stark on the sideline."
Us: "(THANK YOU)"

And there she was... in a nice tight sweater... saying absolutely nothing of substance but us not caring... out of her mouth were the words, "thanks guys, and I had the chance to speak to Coach Holmgren and he said that Favre felt 'ready to play' today, and that he'll let his actions come out 'on the field'. Back to you in the booth," but what we heard was "check these girls out. This sweater is easily two sizes too small. Blah blah, Holmgren, blah blah, back to you in the boobs. I mean, booth."


Unfortunately, angry girlfriends/wives who were listening or watching to the sportscast, not understanding a thing Miller or Dickerson or Fouts was saying yet noticing us drool and yelling "SHHH!" when Stark came on, called and complained, and ABC then ordered her to have a kid, wear frumpy sweaters and Hillary-like hats, and then banished her to NBC where she covered sports no men watch, like the Olympics or figure skating.

But that did not stop the trend from continuing. Here in Boston, NESN figured it out. Hazel Mae, Tina Cervasio, Kristin Mastrionni (sp?) and now the future Mrs. Robinson, Heidi Watney, all patrol the airwaves waiting to tell us interesting tidbits like a player's charitable contributions, an amusing story about the cherished family pet of one of the players, or an interview with a fan about their long journey all the way from some town no one's heard of.

So alas... my own Top 5 of who's on today, and free free to agree/disagree (note: comments add words to my blog!!). I will add photos of each one for you to peruse and to keep you reading.

5. Stark. I just wrote about her. Read above.

4. Jillian Barbarie. She used to be on Fox NFL Sunday and now only makes cameo apparances on a local NY sports show. I believe she once did the weather for an NFL show, like any of us cared if it was going to rain or snow at a football game since the viewer is most likely on their couch. She was not only hot, but filthy. When she showed up with Pamela Anderson one time, it made the highest rating of the demographic "Men 18-35 Not Looking At Any Person's Face". Has the look like she's just dying to tell us of her first threesome.


3. Hazel Mae. No longer on NESN anymore, she was a lot of fun and perky and really into sports but none of us cares: she had incredible breasts. When she was hired, she was referred to as "Witch Hazel" as she appeared to be a little bit of a butterface (everything's nice but her face) but then during the 2005 Opening Day for the World Champion Red Sox, wore this dress that showed the girls off. Insisted on dating players which meant she liked to have fun and you can just tell was DYING to drop a double entendre here and there to spice up a broadcast. And I once wrote that if I were a player having an interview with Hazel, it would go something like this:

Hazel: "So Mike, with that big stick in your hand, I bet that the feeling of the ball, or balls, and that big stick, um, oops my microphone fell down my blouse... hmm, well that must have been something, huh?"
Me: "..."
Hazel: "Um, Mike? My eyes are up here."
Me: "..."

She will be missed but I think she and the girls will be just fine.


2. Erin Andrews, ESPN. Wow. There is a reason why watching ESPN Sportscenter four times in a row on a rainy Saturday morning isn't that bad or monotonous and Erin certainly helps. Honestly, I have no idea who she is or what she talks about or where she came from in life nor do I really care at all. Now THAT'S a sign of a hot sportscaster.



1. Heidi Watney-Robinson. OK, so one can dream. I can remember where I was when she was hired. They had just fired Tina Cervasio and all of her teeth and then announced the hiring of this feisty vixen from somewhere out in California. Sure, I'm a sucker for blonds, but never before did I see someone so pretty ask questions to mundane yet look absolutely incredible doing it. Note that she actually went up in the "power rankings" because she was recently rumored to be dating Sox captain and catcher extraordinaire Jason Varitek, who recently got divorced (hmm). You may ask why she went up but 'Tek is one of those players who would make your wife/girlfriend/mistress's "list" of people that, if they ever had a chance to sleep with them, would be ok with you just like I assume you have one. And you wonder why I'm not married yet!

Not to sound stalker-esque but at a Sox game this past week, part of the reason to move down behind the visitor's dugout was to see Heidi and her blond locks get ready for what I assume was a thought-provoking and inquisitive interview with one of the stars of the game. However I would think that if she were interviewing me, the Q&A would go something like this:

Heidi: "So Mike, I saw that the wooden bat in your hand made contact with that ball thingie. How did that feel?"
Me: "Holy crap you're hot!"



And the exclusive picture taken behind the dugout below... she just yelled over to me saying what I thought was "when are you going to ask me to marry you?" but people around me heard something quite different.



Apparently she won't be on NESN for long, so enjoy her while it lasts. And yeah, I'm a homer: it had to be a Boston chick taking #1 (sorry Erin).

Ok that's it. Enjoy your weekend and be sure to watch your sports this weekend. Opening Day NFL!

Mike

Robo's NFL Predictions Volume 9

Ah, Labor Day weekend is here. For some it means an extended vacation weekend. For others, a BBQ and wishing the summer farewell. And for those of us in telecom, it means little or absolutely nothing.

But Labor Day does have some significance in the sports world. It's usually the weekend before the start of the NFL season and thus the baton is passed from Baseball Season to Football Season.

And that means one thing: it's time for my annual ritual of predicting the NFL standings.

As I say each year (and to verify this, I am cutting and pasting these four disclaimers from last year's email I sent), please note the following:

1. If you use my picks to make bets, you're an idiot. I have an uncanny knack of making a lot of bad picks.
2. If you read that above sentence carefully, this should tell you how to bet on my picks if you're idiotic enough to do so. For those who are slow, the words are "against them".
3. I pick a "sleeper" every year and more often than not I am right. Note that the sleeper doesn't really win anything big but comes in much higher than the so-called "pros" project.
4. I just do this for fun. Like my baseball predictions this year (and last), don't take it too seriously.

So how did I do last year? After I right in my predictions I will put who I picked in the spot last year and whether I was right or wrong:

NFC East:

1. Dallas. On a related note, every Dallas cab and limo driver will tell Jessica Simpson that they do not know the way to the new stadium. Last year: Philadelphia (wrong)
2. Philadelphia. I have no idea why I am picking them to finish ahead of the Giants. Then again, I am usually wrong at most things. Last year: Dallas (wrong)
3. NY Giants. Super Bowl win last year, Super Bowl hangover this year. Last year: Giants (wrong)
4. Washington. As long as Daniel Snyder has anything to do with this team, I will pick them last. Last year: Washington (right)

NFC South:

1. New Orleans. Note that I picked them first last year too. Great off-season additions and no pressure. And with a hurricane primed to wipe out the city (again), they get a sympathy vote too. Last year: New Orleans (wrong)
2. Tampa Bay. I really don't like this team. I hate their redneck fans and think that Coach Chucky is an idiot. Still, they play Atlanta and Carolina twice, so... Last year: Atlanta (wrong)
3. Carolina. They could very well finish 1st if the running game comes through. Then again, I just read that Fred Taylor got arrested. Hey, guess who one of my keepers on my fantasy team was? Last year: Carolina (wrong)
4. Atlanta. The Matt Ryan era has begun. Unfortunately, so has the era for the rest of the team. Last year: Tampa Bay (not only wrong, they finished 1st).

NFC North:

1. Green Bay. What? No Favre? No worries. Last year: (RIGHT-- my sleeper pick. Take that!)
2. Minnesota. This is a longshot however a full season with Adrian Peterson can't be all that bad. Last year: Detroit (wrong)
3. Chicago. If you think Aaron Rodgers is bad, check out the QB's on this team. Last year: Chicago (wrong)
4. Detroit. All Lions fans have a countdown watch for when the Red Wings season begins. Lions motto: "Rebuilding since 1950". Last year: Minnesota (wrong)

NFC West:

1. Seattle. Julius Jones has a monster year for the 'Hawks. Last year: San Francisco (not only very wrong but my comment last year was "this is the season it all comes together for the 49ers).
2. Arizona. Could this be the year? Nope, but when you have these other teams in your division, you can't be that bad. And seriously, time to change the name of the franchise. There isn't a Cardinal anywhere near Arizona. Last year: St. Louis (wrong)
3. St. Louis. FANTASY ALERT: I picked Steven Jackson this year as my first pick in my fantasy draft (#5 overall). Those who know the significance of this know that now has Jackson destined to (a) have a season-ending injury; (b) have a potential career-ending injury; (c) inexplicably suck or (d) only do well when I trade him to another team. Past 1st round picks over the years that I've cursed have been Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, Marvin Harrison (don't ask) and Deuce MacAllister. Last year: Seattle (wrong)
4. San Francisco. Cool fact: one of their RB's name is Michael Robinson. I think I can play better. By the way, you are only allowed to recycle the joke "Did I just hear a 'niner'?" from "Tommy Boy" only once per season, so make it count. Last year: Arizona (right).

In case you think I just suck as predicting the NFC, you're right. Here are my AFC predictions and last year's results:

AFC East:

1. New England. To prevent jinxing this team, I will not comment at all. In fact, I am surprised I am putting them first. Last year: NE (right)
2. NY Jets. Favre has the year that they expect to have and the Jets win some surprising games. Wild Card pick. Last year: Buffalo (right)
3. Buffalo. Leads the league for most NFL wins in Canada this year. Last year: NY Jets (right)
4. Miami. I am SO tempted to pick them ahead of Buffalo. But I won't. Last year: Miami (right)

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis. New stadium but team clearly on the decline. Crowd chants DE-FAULT rather than DE-FENSE. Last year: Indy (right)
2. Jacksonville. I predicted last year that Garrard over Leftwich is a great move. I was actually right and was right with my pick. Last year: Jax (right)
3. Houston. If they beat Indy at least once this year, they may even have a chance to take the divison. Also has the nicest unis next to the Pats, in my opinion. Last year: Tennessee (right)
4. Tennessee. Worst uniforms in the NFL. And the team isn't that much better either. Last year: Houston (right)

AFC North:

1. Cleveland. Sleeper pick of 2008! Can I finally use the joke "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" and not talk about taking a dump?? Last year: Pittsburgh (right)
2. Pittsburgh. If I didn't think their running game was so iffy and if Hines Ward wasn't going on IR (because I drafted him), I wouldn't be as bullish on Cleveland as I am. Last year: Cincinnati (wrong)
3. Baltimore. New coach, no QB. Next! Last year: Baltimore (wrong)
4. Cincinnati. Chad Johnson changed his name to Ocho Cinco. Cincy changes it names to Quatro, as in the place they'll finish. Last year: Cleveland (wrong)

AFC West:

1. San Diego. LT. Last year: Denver (wrong)
2. Denver. Rumor has it they will use the "Together We Can" motto from the Obama rally at their stadium this year. Like Obama, they'll finish second this year. Last year: SD (wrong)
3. Oakland. McFadden wins rookie of the year award and Russell is most improved player. Al Davis wins Most Cosmetic Surgery for a Team Owner. Last year: KC (right)
4. Kansas City. Besides almost upsetting the Pats on Opening Day (you heard it here first), the team motto will be "the Kansas City Chiefs are on the clock" around mid-October. Last year: Oakland (right).

Since the last time I predicted that the Patriots would make the playoffs, they didn't, I will refrain from making any post-season predictions but here is who I would think would be looking forward to Draft Day 2009:

1. San Francisco
2. Miami
3. Kansas City
4. Cincinnati
5. Detroit

And because I really don't like the NY Jets at all (and I really don't have a reason why besides the Parcells defection which has long been reconciled and forgiven-- as a friend of mine says, "picking on the Jets is like picking on a retarded kid in school for being retarded. I mean, what fun is that?") here is a fun video of really bad NY Jets draft picks from years past. Even if you're not a football fan, you have to laugh at some of the comments. And if you're not a football fan, I'm truly sorry you read this far. What's the matter with you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98

Crap, I haven't learned how to embed videos yet. Well, click on the link for now.

Coming up in future blogs: rating the Sports Announcer Babes (you ladies may want to skip this one) and other useless pieces of information.

Mike

The grand Pinto...

Howdy campers,

So as I was showing some pictures of my recent journey to the vast open land of Wyoming and South Dakota to my parents and assorted other relatives, they chuckled as they saw me riding a horse for the first time. Most of the jokes were good-natured, making fun of the fact that the poor horse had to support the likes of me on its back, but since it was a white and brown speckled horse, I think my Dad made the comment, "that's the first time Mike has been on a pinto since we owned one."

At this very moment, I had this sinking feeling... he didn't mean the pinto as the horse, but rather as the dreaded Ford Pinto that my parents used to own when my sister and I were little.

For those of you under the age of 30 or who has parents who didn't take the approach of buying the biggest lemon that any car manufacturer ever made (the Chevy Vega is a close second), the Ford Pinto was the new "family" car of the 1970's that was marketed as a cheaper and gas-friendlier version of the station wagon. After I was born and my sister was on the way, my parents decided that it was time to get rid of their '66 Belair which they called the "green ghost" (no idea besides the fact that it was green) and instead get the Ford Pinto. The Pinto came in colors that were either Turd Brown, Pea Green, or Rust Beige. Of course, we got the Turd Brown one.

I will find an actual picture of the Pinto my parents owned, rust stains and all, but this is approximately what it looked like:

My memories of the Pinto included:

-- My parents decided to not get a radio for the car. To this day, I have no idea why. Knowing my dad, it was probably to save money. Plus, he had a cassette recorder and since we had a tape deck at home, he figured he could tape the radio and then play it. Or, he could tape some of the albums and play those as well. I wish I was making this up but one of the memories I have of the Pinto is sitting in those crazy beige bucket seats with this single speaker cassette player between my sister (who was around 2 yet not in a baby seat-- why bother since if anyone hit the Pinto it would blow up anyway) and I and we just stared at the tape going round. The good part about the cassette recorder is that we also had a blank cassette or two and the players also had a record feature, which my sister and I would then use to make fart noises and other fart-type sounds. The tape selection also included Paul McCartney's "Ram", which is a great album but hard to listen to if not in the back seat of a car, several Beatles albums, and what I think was Linda Rondstadt's greatest hits. I believe that was it. This paragraph alone-- since it it absolutely truly factual-- should then answer a lot of questions why I am as whacked as I am today.
-- My parents also decided that air conditioning was not an option. Not a big deal, since not a lot of '70s cars had this, but I forgot to mention that:
-- My parents also decided that this "family car" for their 2 kids was also a TWO DOOR car. So much for opening the window and letting some air circulate to the back.

I also remember that:

-- The directionals were large green triangles on the dashboard and were so loud, the sounds of them would be incorporated into the Beatles/Wings/Rondstadt music playing.
-- Our friends made fun of us being in a Pinto since it was apparently known as the car "that blows up if you hit it". I think it was the movie "Top Secret" that later would feature an army tank barely dinging the end of a Pinto and then showing both cars going up in flames.
-- My college roommate Kent had a Pinto in college which I think was dark blue and I think I was more amazed that they made Pintos in blue then the fact that it was 1990 and there was still a usuable Ford Pinto on the road.

The Pinto was the first in a long line of lemons that my parents would buy. They also owned a Chevy Chevette and a Dodge Omni. It was after the purchase of the Omni that I made a promise to myself to never ask my parents' assistance to ever buy a car.

At the end of our road was a service station and my dad would later say that in all seriousness, the owner of the service station thanked my dad for putting his kids through college.

That's all for now... I'm going to gallop on back to work.
Mike