Oh, OK, so you're reading anyway. Fine.
It used to be that TV sportscasters were hired either for their knowledge or their insight into the game and not for their looks. This period was long known as the Cosellian Era, named after Howard Cosell who either you loved or hated but who had a voice that was easily identifiable as well as mockable. If you think Monday Night Football, you used to think Cosell, Al Michaels, Don Meredith... all good sportcasters who either showed off their Syracuse degree (Bob Costas, Michaels, etc.) or their pride of not being too banged up from concussions to talk in semi-complete sentences and some rememberance of their playing years (OJ Simpson pre-murder, Meredith, Criqui, etc.).
However after the Cosellian era, ratings seemed to drop. A sharp team of marketing individuals did a survey to figure out why. They came back with two answers: breasts. Guys like looking at breasts. Guys also like watching sports. Hmm. Breasts. Sports. Watching sports. Seeing breasts. It was the metaphorical peanut butter-meets-chocolate of sports broadcasting.
Now, football had cheerleaders specifically for this purpose. But it was hard to justify the camera to go to cheerleaders besides by accident since they bring little or no tangible value to the game. I'm sure that early scripts that were rejected went something like this: "1st and 20, Bradshaw in the shotgun formation. Three wideouts at the line and Harris now in motion. Candace is waving her pompoms. Bradshaw calls for the snap." Somehow, while we liked Candace and loved her pompoms, there was no reason to go to Candace at any point besides a football player going out of bounds and into the cheerleaders by mistake. Ha ha, "mistake!". So a great innovation was introduced: the "Sideline Reporter" or "In-Game Reporter".
And so it was born: justifying a hot chick to be shown on camera to share nothing substantial whatsoever but give you another reason to not get up off your couch during a lull in the action.
The steady rise of sideline reporters was documented by none other than Melissa Stark, hired by ABC to at least provide some sort of distraction from the gang of idiots like Eric Dickerson, Dennis Miller, etc., who worked Monday Night Football. While we had to put up with their witty banter, we hung around for those magic words: "And now let's to go Melissa Stark on the sideline." For those who don't remember, the dialogue was something like this:
Dennis Miller: "So Favre goes back to pass and it's... incomplete. Just like this one gig I did at the Chuckles in West Chester. I mean, talk about dying."
Eric Dickerson: "Yo what it is, I be dyin' if you be bringin' up mo stories like dat!"
Dan Fouts: "Yeah."
DM: "I second what you said Eric, whatever that was. Which reminds me of this one time on Saturday Night Live, when Dana Carvey and I were--"
ED: "Let's be goin to Melissa Stark on the sideline."
Us: "(THANK YOU)"
And there she was... in a nice tight sweater... saying absolutely nothing of substance but us not caring... out of her mouth were the words, "thanks guys, and I had the chance to speak to Coach Holmgren and he said that Favre felt 'ready to play' today, and that he'll let his actions come out 'on the field'. Back to you in the booth," but what we heard was "check these girls out. This sweater is easily two sizes too small. Blah blah, Holmgren, blah blah, back to you in the boobs. I mean, booth."
Unfortunately, angry girlfriends/wives who were listening or watching to the sportscast, not understanding a thing Miller or Dickerson or Fouts was saying yet noticing us drool and yelling "SHHH!" when Stark came on, called and complained, and ABC then ordered her to have a kid, wear frumpy sweaters and Hillary-like hats, and then banished her to NBC where she covered sports no men watch, like the Olympics or figure skating.
But that did not stop the trend from continuing. Here in Boston, NESN figured it out. Hazel Mae, Tina Cervasio, Kristin Mastrionni (sp?) and now the future Mrs. Robinson, Heidi Watney, all patrol the airwaves waiting to tell us interesting tidbits like a player's charitable contributions, an amusing story about the cherished family pet of one of the players, or an interview with a fan about their long journey all the way from some town no one's heard of.
So alas... my own Top 5 of who's on today, and free free to agree/disagree (note: comments add words to my blog!!). I will add photos of each one for you to peruse and to keep you reading.
5. Stark. I just wrote about her. Read above.
4. Jillian Barbarie. She used to be on Fox NFL Sunday and now only makes cameo apparances on a local NY sports show. I believe she once did the weather for an NFL show, like any of us cared if it was going to rain or snow at a football game since the viewer is most likely on their couch. She was not only hot, but filthy. When she showed up with Pamela Anderson one time, it made the highest rating of the demographic "Men 18-35 Not Looking At Any Person's Face". Has the look like she's just dying to tell us of her first threesome.
3. Hazel Mae. No longer on NESN anymore, she was a lot of fun and perky and really into sports but none of us cares: she had incredible breasts. When she was hired, she was referred to as "Witch Hazel" as she appeared to be a little bit of a butterface (everything's nice but her face) but then during the 2005 Opening Day for the World Champion Red Sox, wore this dress that showed the girls off. Insisted on dating players which meant she liked to have fun and you can just tell was DYING to drop a double entendre here and there to spice up a broadcast. And I once wrote that if I were a player having an interview with Hazel, it would go something like this:
Hazel: "So Mike, with that big stick in your hand, I bet that the feeling of the ball, or balls, and that big stick, um, oops my microphone fell down my blouse... hmm, well that must have been something, huh?"
Me: "..."
Hazel: "Um, Mike? My eyes are up here."
Me: "..."
She will be missed but I think she and the girls will be just fine.
2. Erin Andrews, ESPN. Wow. There is a reason why watching ESPN Sportscenter four times in a row on a rainy Saturday morning isn't that bad or monotonous and Erin certainly helps. Honestly, I have no idea who she is or what she talks about or where she came from in life nor do I really care at all. Now THAT'S a sign of a hot sportscaster.
1. Heidi Watney-Robinson. OK, so one can dream. I can remember where I was when she was hired. They had just fired Tina Cervasio and all of her teeth and then announced the hiring of this feisty vixen from somewhere out in California. Sure, I'm a sucker for blonds, but never before did I see someone so pretty ask questions to mundane yet look absolutely incredible doing it. Note that she actually went up in the "power rankings" because she was recently rumored to be dating Sox captain and catcher extraordinaire Jason Varitek, who recently got divorced (hmm). You may ask why she went up but 'Tek is one of those players who would make your wife/girlfriend/mistress's "list" of people that, if they ever had a chance to sleep with them, would be ok with you just like I assume you have one. And you wonder why I'm not married yet!
Not to sound stalker-esque but at a Sox game this past week, part of the reason to move down behind the visitor's dugout was to see Heidi and her blond locks get ready for what I assume was a thought-provoking and inquisitive interview with one of the stars of the game. However I would think that if she were interviewing me, the Q&A would go something like this:
Heidi: "So Mike, I saw that the wooden bat in your hand made contact with that ball thingie. How did that feel?"
Me: "Holy crap you're hot!"
And the exclusive picture taken behind the dugout below... she just yelled over to me saying what I thought was "when are you going to ask me to marry you?" but people around me heard something quite different.
Apparently she won't be on NESN for long, so enjoy her while it lasts. And yeah, I'm a homer: it had to be a Boston chick taking #1 (sorry Erin).
Ok that's it. Enjoy your weekend and be sure to watch your sports this weekend. Opening Day NFL!
Mike
2 comments:
what I read...
Ladies, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx sports.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
Monday Night Football, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx breasts. Guys like looking at breasts. Guys also like watching sports. Hmm. Breasts. Sports. Watching sports. Seeing breasts. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx , football had cheerleaders xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx cheerleaders xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx. Candace is waving her pompoms. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Candace and loved her pompoms, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Candace xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx football xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx into the cheerleaders xxxxx xxxxx . xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx hot chick xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Melissa Stark, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Melissa Stark xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx:
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Melissa Stark xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx tight sweater... xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx out of her mouth xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx come out 'on the field'. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx check these girls out. This sweater is easily two sizes too small. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx boobs. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Stark xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx .
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx. Hazel Mae, Tina Cervasio, Kristin Mastrionni (sp?) xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx, Heidi Watney, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
5. Stark. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
4. Jillian Barbarie. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx . She was not only hot, but filthy. When she showed up with Pamela Anderson one time, it made the highest rating of the demographic "Men 18-35 Not Looking At Any Person's Face". Has the look like she's just dying to tell us of her first threesome.
3. Hazel Mae. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx: she had incredible breasts. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx butterface (everything's nice but her face) xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx, wore this dress that showed the girls off. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx:
Hazel: "xxxxx xxxxx, with that big stick in your hand, I bet that the feeling of the ball, or balls, and that big stick, um, oops my microphone fell down my blouse... hmm, well that must have been something, huh?"
Me: "..."
Hazel: "Um, Mike? My eyes are up here."
Me: "..."
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx the girls xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.
2. Erin Andrews, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Erin xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx hot sportscaster.
1. Heidi Watney-xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Tina Cervasio xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx feisty vixen xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx blonds, xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx Heidi and her blond locks xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
Heidi: "xxxxx xxxxx, I saw that the wooden bat in your hand made contact with that ball thingie. How did that feel?"
Me: "Holy crap you're hot!"
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx
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