Ah, Labor Day weekend is here. For some it means an extended vacation weekend. For others, a BBQ and wishing the summer farewell. And for those of us in telecom, it means little or absolutely nothing.
But Labor Day does have some significance in the sports world. It's usually the weekend before the start of the NFL season and thus the baton is passed from Baseball Season to Football Season.
And that means one thing: it's time for my annual ritual of predicting the NFL standings.
As I say each year (and to verify this, I am cutting and pasting these four disclaimers from last year's email I sent), please note the following:
1. If you use my picks to make bets, you're an idiot. I have an uncanny knack of making a lot of bad picks.
2. If you read that above sentence carefully, this should tell you how to bet on my picks if you're idiotic enough to do so. For those who are slow, the words are "against them".
3. I pick a "sleeper" every year and more often than not I am right. Note that the sleeper doesn't really win anything big but comes in much higher than the so-called "pros" project.
4. I just do this for fun. Like my baseball predictions this year (and last), don't take it too seriously.
So how did I do last year? After I right in my predictions I will put who I picked in the spot last year and whether I was right or wrong:
NFC East:
1. Dallas. On a related note, every Dallas cab and limo driver will tell Jessica Simpson that they do not know the way to the new stadium. Last year: Philadelphia (wrong)
2. Philadelphia. I have no idea why I am picking them to finish ahead of the Giants. Then again, I am usually wrong at most things. Last year: Dallas (wrong)
3. NY Giants. Super Bowl win last year, Super Bowl hangover this year. Last year: Giants (wrong)
4. Washington. As long as Daniel Snyder has anything to do with this team, I will pick them last. Last year: Washington (right)
NFC South:
1. New Orleans. Note that I picked them first last year too. Great off-season additions and no pressure. And with a hurricane primed to wipe out the city (again), they get a sympathy vote too. Last year: New Orleans (wrong)
2. Tampa Bay. I really don't like this team. I hate their redneck fans and think that Coach Chucky is an idiot. Still, they play Atlanta and Carolina twice, so... Last year: Atlanta (wrong)
3. Carolina. They could very well finish 1st if the running game comes through. Then again, I just read that Fred Taylor got arrested. Hey, guess who one of my keepers on my fantasy team was? Last year: Carolina (wrong)
4. Atlanta. The Matt Ryan era has begun. Unfortunately, so has the era for the rest of the team. Last year: Tampa Bay (not only wrong, they finished 1st).
NFC North:
1. Green Bay. What? No Favre? No worries. Last year: (RIGHT-- my sleeper pick. Take that!)
2. Minnesota. This is a longshot however a full season with Adrian Peterson can't be all that bad. Last year: Detroit (wrong)
3. Chicago. If you think Aaron Rodgers is bad, check out the QB's on this team. Last year: Chicago (wrong)
4. Detroit. All Lions fans have a countdown watch for when the Red Wings season begins. Lions motto: "Rebuilding since 1950". Last year: Minnesota (wrong)
NFC West:
1. Seattle. Julius Jones has a monster year for the 'Hawks. Last year: San Francisco (not only very wrong but my comment last year was "this is the season it all comes together for the 49ers).
2. Arizona. Could this be the year? Nope, but when you have these other teams in your division, you can't be that bad. And seriously, time to change the name of the franchise. There isn't a Cardinal anywhere near Arizona. Last year: St. Louis (wrong)
3. St. Louis. FANTASY ALERT: I picked Steven Jackson this year as my first pick in my fantasy draft (#5 overall). Those who know the significance of this know that now has Jackson destined to (a) have a season-ending injury; (b) have a potential career-ending injury; (c) inexplicably suck or (d) only do well when I trade him to another team. Past 1st round picks over the years that I've cursed have been Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, Marvin Harrison (don't ask) and Deuce MacAllister. Last year: Seattle (wrong)
4. San Francisco. Cool fact: one of their RB's name is Michael Robinson. I think I can play better. By the way, you are only allowed to recycle the joke "Did I just hear a 'niner'?" from "Tommy Boy" only once per season, so make it count. Last year: Arizona (right).
In case you think I just suck as predicting the NFC, you're right. Here are my AFC predictions and last year's results:
AFC East:
1. New England. To prevent jinxing this team, I will not comment at all. In fact, I am surprised I am putting them first. Last year: NE (right)
2. NY Jets. Favre has the year that they expect to have and the Jets win some surprising games. Wild Card pick. Last year: Buffalo (right)
3. Buffalo. Leads the league for most NFL wins in Canada this year. Last year: NY Jets (right)
4. Miami. I am SO tempted to pick them ahead of Buffalo. But I won't. Last year: Miami (right)
AFC South:
1. Indianapolis. New stadium but team clearly on the decline. Crowd chants DE-FAULT rather than DE-FENSE. Last year: Indy (right)
2. Jacksonville. I predicted last year that Garrard over Leftwich is a great move. I was actually right and was right with my pick. Last year: Jax (right)
3. Houston. If they beat Indy at least once this year, they may even have a chance to take the divison. Also has the nicest unis next to the Pats, in my opinion. Last year: Tennessee (right)
4. Tennessee. Worst uniforms in the NFL. And the team isn't that much better either. Last year: Houston (right)
AFC North:
1. Cleveland. Sleeper pick of 2008! Can I finally use the joke "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" and not talk about taking a dump?? Last year: Pittsburgh (right)
2. Pittsburgh. If I didn't think their running game was so iffy and if Hines Ward wasn't going on IR (because I drafted him), I wouldn't be as bullish on Cleveland as I am. Last year: Cincinnati (wrong)
3. Baltimore. New coach, no QB. Next! Last year: Baltimore (wrong)
4. Cincinnati. Chad Johnson changed his name to Ocho Cinco. Cincy changes it names to Quatro, as in the place they'll finish. Last year: Cleveland (wrong)
AFC West:
1. San Diego. LT. Last year: Denver (wrong)
2. Denver. Rumor has it they will use the "Together We Can" motto from the Obama rally at their stadium this year. Like Obama, they'll finish second this year. Last year: SD (wrong)
3. Oakland. McFadden wins rookie of the year award and Russell is most improved player. Al Davis wins Most Cosmetic Surgery for a Team Owner. Last year: KC (right)
4. Kansas City. Besides almost upsetting the Pats on Opening Day (you heard it here first), the team motto will be "the Kansas City Chiefs are on the clock" around mid-October. Last year: Oakland (right).
Since the last time I predicted that the Patriots would make the playoffs, they didn't, I will refrain from making any post-season predictions but here is who I would think would be looking forward to Draft Day 2009:
1. San Francisco
2. Miami
3. Kansas City
4. Cincinnati
5. Detroit
And because I really don't like the NY Jets at all (and I really don't have a reason why besides the Parcells defection which has long been reconciled and forgiven-- as a friend of mine says, "picking on the Jets is like picking on a retarded kid in school for being retarded. I mean, what fun is that?") here is a fun video of really bad NY Jets draft picks from years past. Even if you're not a football fan, you have to laugh at some of the comments. And if you're not a football fan, I'm truly sorry you read this far. What's the matter with you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98
Crap, I haven't learned how to embed videos yet. Well, click on the link for now.
Coming up in future blogs: rating the Sports Announcer Babes (you ladies may want to skip this one) and other useless pieces of information.
Mike
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