As I sit here in the Granite State, I tend to be more reflexive, pensive, comprehensive, and other words that end in the suffix "ive" and look around this great state, gazing at its beauty and its splendor. Of course I usually do this while at work which isn't a good thing unless I get a job at some state park, and at this rate, that's not all that far-fetched.
I thought of a few things which we all seem to take for granted, and decided to write about them. Those things that I thought about are words, and those words are here. And yes, some of this is recycled crap that I wrote a while back but borrowing some of Sarah Palin's milf-stick, I put a little on this ol' pig:
1. The "Snooze" button. I cannot thank the person enough who realized that not only does the average person who has an alarm clock not only not want to get up when their alarm clock goes off, but that after pressing that magical button, decided that exactly 9 minutes was "enough" in order for it to go off again. Just for that reason, for years I always set my alarm at a time ending in 1, knowing I would snooze for 9 minutes and then wake up exactly on a time ending with "0". Thus, I could tell people that I get up at a time like "6:30" or "7:00" instead of sounding like a total dork and saying "I wake up at 6:21 every mornng." I can see it now... my first item on this list and I've probably lost half of you already.
2. The phrase "you know". Everyone says it (at least those who speak English), athletes praise it, and I would easily campaign for it to be inserted into Webster's dictionary as "you know (-u `no) (adj); 1. Something people say when they just can't think of anything better to say, eg: 'I hate this place, you know?' or 'You know, um, you smell, you know?'; 2. Required language for any professional or collegiate athlete in any sentence. eg: 'You know, we played hard out there and, you know, gave it our all, you know, but you have to, you know, take these games one game at a time, you know, and then get back at it, you know, tomorrow.'" How many of us have been in a situation where we have no idea what we are talking about, stream off a bunch of gibberish phrases filled with "you know's" and then somehow got the other person to be filled with self-doubt about their own knowledge and think you're the more intelligent person? Probably none, but that's because you have to learn to use them constructively, like I did in a recent exchange with a colleague about a technology that I guess we sell here which I know nothing about. It went something like this: "Hey Mike, ever see a customer with frame relay have their DLCI framed so that the PVC channels emit a bandwidth higher than their own thru-put?" (note: after a sentence of this magnitude it is important that you recognize right away that (a) you have no idea what this person just said and (b) you respond immediately and not do what you naturally feel like doing, like pick your nose or run out of the room, screaming). Me: "Well, you know, the DLCI was framed, you know, and the customer does use frame relay after all* so, you know, it's entirely possible that perhaps* their own thru-put could have a bandwidth higher than, you know, they originally intended to have." (*-important words that mean nothing but sound cool). Of course, re-reading this sentence means absolutely nothing, and after I looked up what some of these things mean isn't even technically correct, but I walked away looking like I knew what I was saying, and I'm still employed, so why not say it, you know?
3. Getting the news on your cell phone. Those of us who have wireless toys, and I presume that based on the failure of my old company who specialized in wired land-line technology, is that most of you know what I'm talking about. Being trapped in a carpool in traffic with a bunch of people who are talking about their kids, insurance, or how much the traffic sucks doesn't present the best fodder for you to talk nor do you want to. It's easy-- just whip out the old cell phone and read about the latest news. Better yet, set the phone/pager to vibrate or ring when the news comes in, which if you get the right service is every 1/2 hour, making it look like you have an important call. Just say, "let me see who it is" and then pretend you're reading a text message or something. Pushing the buttons on the phone randomly to see if you can make a song is also fun (I learned dialing my name sounds like Yankee Doodle). Best of all, people leave you out of the conversations about their kids, insurance, or the traffic. Highly underrated.
4. Those oversized cups you get at drive-thrus or convenience stores but still fit into your beverage container in your car. A modern engineering miracle. It used to be impossible to purchase the 72 oz Huge Gulp or whatever it's called unless you were riding around in a F350 with those extra rear tires (what are those for anyway?). Now the cups are ergonomically shaped to fit into even a Hyundai Accent's flimsy cheap container (tested and proven). You almost feel guilty about filling up the cup at the 7-11, drinking half of it, then re-filling it up before you put the lid on, as if 72 oz of any fluid isn't enough for the average person.
5. Hourly "Sportscenters" on ESPN. Who cares if it is the same Sportscenter repeated over and over. I can watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back shows and still have to tune in to see something. Plus, two words: Erin Andrews. I have issues.
6. The thing near your fuel gauge on the dashboard of your car that reminds you what side of your car you need to fill your gas tank. How many of us have driven up to a gas pump only to find that it's necessary to turn all the way around because the gas tank is on the wrong side? Answer: no one. On second thought, this isn't underrated at all. It's useless. I'm having some writer's block I think. I think. Um.
7. If #6 wasn't bad enough, then this probably isn't any better. But it has to go to 24 hour breakfast places. There is nothing better than having a stack of pancakes, sausage, and some eggs, along with toast with 30 of those small little jelly things at 3am. Well actually, there are much better things you could be doing at 3am. Being a guy and having breakfast at 3am means that you probably aren't with the girl you were trying to score with all night and instead are taking your oral fixation needs out on a stack of flapjacks. But they are good. Of course, this will segue into my last thought...
8. The "Wingman". Long before Coors decided to make a pretty funny commercial about how the "wingman" (i.e. the guy who "takes one for the team" and gets stuck talking to the token fat, hideous, or totally uninteresting chick in a group of girls so other friends can try to pick up the prettier ones), the wingman in a group fast becomes your best buddy. The terms "maverick" and "cougar" are actually more common (Top Gun terms are still cool to use even after 15+ years after that movie came out). I have been wingman many times, but normally by default as most of my friends just went right for the prettier girls right away while the ADD part of me focused on stupid things, like where the bathrooms were located or what the cheapest beers were so I knew what to order when it's my turn to buy a round. My fondest wingman memory was a girl who was from Brookline who had a lisp and everytime she said the word "music" I thought she was saying the 's' word, like "mu-shit". So when she said "I hate this music" or "This music is too loud" I thought she had a foul mouth. She also danced with her "thumbs-up". Guys know what I mean by this. Her hands were in a frozen "Fonz" thumbs-up position as she moved her arms around, like she was cool. I think she danced like that to "Love Shack" which is one of the reasons I hate that song. Totally annoying, but if I remember correctly I distracted her long enough away from her group of friends some friends could take care of business. As a result, I got a couple of rounds from them as well as the chance to write this column, showing how much of a loser I was*. *- please let me use this word in the past tense. Please.
By the way, best t-shirt logo ever:
That's all folks. Enjoy your Tuesday or whenever you read this, you know.
Mike
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