Guide to the Presidential Primaries

Now it's a Presidential showdown with John McCain vs Barack Obama for the right to lead this country out of the bushes (see? I told you I was witty, and punny too!).

I wrote this back when the primaries were in full effect and decided to post it again here for the hell of it. It's totally irrelevant now however I was DEAD ON when I wrote about John Edwards. Yeah me.

Enjoy and I promise I will not just recycle lousy old blogs from now on. I will write even lousier NEW blogs.

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NH Primary Guide-- A must read for all Americans (and many illegal immigrants)

Hi my name is Mike, and I've approved this blog.

Living in the Granite State, aka New Hampshire, aka Vermont's "spooning partner", has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages include no state income tax, no sales tax, no thumb tacks (seriously-- Staples was sold out the other day), and a motto encouraging people to either "live free" or simply, "die". The disadvantages of living here besides the average winter temperature which appears to be measured in negative degrees kelvin (an inside joke to you scientists out there) is that since I am a New Hampshire resident, people assume that I drive a pick-up, wear a hat with ear flaps, drive a pick-up with a gun rack and negotiated a NASCAR number when I bought that truck. But even more, from around July to this Tuesday, the weather turns far windier as dozens of presidential hopefuls come into NH, kiss our babies, eat at our diners, and try and persuade all of us that they should be the next president of this grand country of ours.

The history of the New Hampshire Primary dates way back to colonial times when huddles of people gathered together on a cold wintry night and asked themselves, "why the hell do we live here?" While its neighbors are known as the Green Mountain State, Vacationland, and Taxachusetts, New Hampshire calls itself the "Granite State" after narrowing deciding that over the "Witness Program Relocation State". Vermont has its Phish, Ben & Jerry's and cheap pot, Maine has its lobsters and bad accents, and Massachusetts has bad drivers and Ted Kennedy. So these colonial people said "screw you Kennedy!" and decided to make the state the first state to vote for a president.

So I'm sure you're all curiously interested on who the heck these candidates are, who will win, what's going on in the Granite State, and more importantly, where the hell I've been with these crazy blogs/emails the last year or so. Well I'll answer the last one some other time, but here are the others:

Mike's Guide to the Presidential Primaries

I'll start off by explaining the two main parties, the Democrats and Republicans. What's the difference, you may ask? The answer is simple: Democrats are represented by an ass and Republicans have a elephant. So if you love peanuts, are afraid of mice, or love to smell things, the Republican party is the one for you. If you like horses or donkeys or like swearing, then you might want to consider Democrats. Because of these distinguishing features, most NH residents and Americans consider themselves "Independent". These same people are also solely responsible for telling people "I Don't Know" in most Yes/No poll questions.

Now since all you need is $1,000 and an OK from the Secretary of State in NH to be on the presidential ballot, there are a lot of candidates. Because of this, I'll weed out those with no chance to win and call this group "fucking pathetic losers".

So here are the rest of the pack:

Democrats: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson

Republicans: John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Fred Thompson, Ron Paul.

Let's start with the ass party.

Hillary Clinton: the former first lady is best known as being the woman who let her husband get "Presidential Head". Pros: KFC could market its Hillary Value Meal featuring "two large thighs, two small breasts, and a bunch of left wings". Cons: unlike her husband, if she had an extramarital affair in the White House, it would be considered absolutely disgusting. NH exposure: You cannot take a dump without seeing a Hillary for President sign. This is because of her best selling novelty item, "Hillary for President Toilet Paper". By the way, Chelsea's becoming pretty hot however when she doesn't smile, she appears as if she is trying to squeeze a fart.

Barack Obama: Not to be confused with Borat or Osama, Barack is the first minority candidate who's ever run and actually has a chance (sorry Jesse Jackson, but you never had a chance. Go back to work-- oh.). Pros: He has the coolest slogans: "Bros over Hoes", "Half Honkey, All Donkey" and not only promises change, but delivers, and I have proof. I pulled out a dollar bill and he gave me four quarters. He also is most like most Americans as he used to have a cocaine problem and does whatever Oprah says. Cons: I can only see a bunch of rednecks calling him "Obama bin Laden" and claiming to get "Barack Blocked" (note: Barack rhymes with "cock"). NH exposure: I had averaged two Obama pollsters a day and 2-3 leaflets in the mail until I put a McCain yard sign in my yard. Then I averaged about 4-5 leaflets a day. Oprah even showed up.

John Edwards: Is a young former trial lawyer with a southern drawl who made his claim to fame opposing Joe Pesci's character in "My Cousin Vinny". Pros: Smiles a lot. Cons: Was VP candidate with John Kerry in 2004 and appears to be hiding something. NH exposure: He is on a 24 hour final campaign beginning tonight up near the Canadian border and has a 2am and 4am rally in some towns best known for people who are hiding from someone. I wish I was making this up.

Bill Richardson: Governor of New Mexico (state motto: "Fuck the Old Mexico!") who claims to have Mexican blood and looks like Horatio Sanz from SNL yet has a British royalty last name. Pros: Made getting to the bottom of those annoying Burger King commercials where they claim to get rid of the Whopper one of his top priorities. Like most Americans, is borderline morbidly obese. Cons: The pictures of him on his campaign leaflets are so airbrushed, he looks more like the star of a Lifetime movie special than a president. NH exposure: Not surprisingly, his stops the last few days include two restaurants, a Dunkin Donuts and corner deli. Has a lot of signs by the side of the road, especially near restaurants, Dunkin Donuts' and delis.

Now the elephants:

John McCain: Noble veteran who was a POW for almost a year and served our country well until he caved in and became a congressman. Pro: Was voted "Most Likely to Have a Last Name Like a President or Robert Ludlum Book" several elections in a row. Cons: If you look up charisma in the dictionary, not only would you not see McCain's picture there, but you'd see a note from the people at Websters asking you why you are looking for a picture in a dictionary to begin with. NH exposure: Has a bus called the "Straight Talk Express". Has fewer very large signs.

Mitt Romney: Ex-Governor of Massachusetts who made billions running a business, the Olympics, and an actual state. Is a squeaky clean Mormon with perfect teeth. Pros: You just know there's a dark side of him, like he'll be exposed having several more lives and a creative consultant to the HBO show "Big Love" which would provide for four years of good gossip. Wife's not bad looking too. Cons: Basically the family is the Osmonds without the teeth. NH exposure: My maternal grandmother, God rest her soul, used to call people like Romney "dog shit-- he's everywhere". I never understood that expression however I think you get the point.

Rudy Giuliani: Was mayor of NYC for the '90's until the end of 2001. Has a funny lisp. Pros: Was in charge of NYC during 9/11 and mentions this in every debate over and over. Cons: Does not mention where he was on 9/10. Yankees fan. Dumped wife for dumpier woman. Tries to take away Hillary's claim to be the only woman candidate by dressing provocatively "on the weekends". NH exposure: Rudy who?

Mike Huckabee: Very conservative Governor of Arkansas who is buddies with Chuck Norris and makes Pat Robertson look "sexually adventurous". Pros: Can have a fun campaign called "I Heart Huckabee". Chuck Norris's wife always appears at his speaking events and is hot. Cons: He looks like the wimpy President Logan from "24". NH exposure: non-existent until he won Iowa. Now he plays bass at various grammar school gymnasiums delighting thousands of band geeks.

Fred Thompson: Used to be a Senator as well as an actor on "Law and Order". Pros: Wife EXTREMELY hot. Has F-U money. Cool name. Cons: If he is president anywhere close to how he or any of his ex co-stars act on "Law and Order", we are in a boatload of trouble. NH exposure: Fred Thompson has never been to NH. The man you see at debates was Ray Romano's dad on "Everyone Loves Raymond". Oh, he's dead? No one noticed.

Ron Paul: The "Steve Garvey" of doctors, he delivered something like 5000 kids as a physician. Pros: Has an enormous following and wants to abolish the IRS. Cons: at his campaign rallies, he hands out cups of kool-aid and tells people to wait for the comet to arrive. NH exposure: Relentless. Planes fly overhead with Ron Paul banners. Dozens of people are EVERYWHERE in downtown Manchester with Ron Paul signs handing out copies of the Constitution. You cannot see part of NH without seeing a Ron Paul sign.

So now how do you choose? Well, here is...

Mike's Guide to Voting

1. Ignore all yard signs. I made the mistake of deciding on looking at who had the most yard signs in 2004 and voting for that candidate. I ended up writing in "Coldwell Banker" and then buying a house.

2. (Men only) Candidates with hot daughters (Bush twins) or wives (Fred Thompson, Dennis Kuchinich) are not worth it. Either way, you'll see them on TMZ soon enough.

3. If you live in a useless state without a meaningful primary, then pretend to have a conversation with one of the candidates you think you'd like and imagine his/her response. Something like this:

You: "So [candidate], I'm very concerned about the environment/Iraq/health care/sea turtles/toothpaste addiction/the price of tea in China. What are you going to do to improve our [one of the above]?"
Candidate: "Nothing."
You: "Nothing?"
Candidate: "That's right. Congress makes laws. I pretty much live in a white house, show up at various events, golf, pay the occasional visit to a backwards country, and enjoy the biggest perk of this job: no traffic, ever. I'm essentially just here for the free food, much like yourself at your job."
You: "Well, I don't know, I mean, I--"
Candidate: "By the way, this is my [hot wife/hot daughter(s)]. Can I have your vote?"
You: "ABSOLUTELY!"

4. Don't pick anyone with a funny name or someone that a newspaper can make a funny caricature about.

5. Say each candidate's last name and then "President" before it. Then say your own name and "President" before it. Pretty cool, huh? This really is just for fun.

6. Realize that no matter who you vote for, whoever wins American Idol will have more votes and more fans.

OK I've rambled on long enough. I will be on Fox 25 tomorrow morning (Tuesday) after getting interviewed at the Red Arrow Diner while having lunch today (seriously). I won't disclose what I will say but let's just say that those crazy Fox people will take their best reporters off the latest fire that they seem to love to show up to broadcast and begin a new expose: "Primary '08: Hot Wives and Daughters, A Closer View".

Cheers and God bless America!

Mike