Notes from aboard the Acela...

As I drifted in and out of consciousness aboard the Acela last week, I decided to clean out my brain with some fresh mental floss and put down some thoughts into words... and here would be those words...

...Is it me or have parking spaces shrunk? For some reason it seems as though it's nearly impossible to park anywhere anymore and it's ironic since cars are much smaller than they were in the 80's or even last decade.

...Speaking of parking spaces, whoever designed any parking lot layout for a supermarket either (a) never drove before, (b) never visited a supermarket before and/or (c) forgot to factor in that people actually walk to and from a supermarket with a CART. It seems impossible to navigate around people with their carts and I love how they factor in extra spaces on the lines between spaces for the carts but they are about a foot too small. And yes, I'm writing this because I nearly hit a woman unloading her groceries the other day. I didn't feel that bad afterward as I saw her stash her cart at the end of the parking space rather than walking the 12 feet to the space where the carts should be retrieved and drive away, pet peeve #324 on my list.

...OK serious thought here: does anyone have a copy of the "law"? You know when something is said to be against the "law"... well, you sort of believe it. Steal something? Shame on you. That's against the law. Pass on the right while driving? Hmm, that's against the law too. Graze two sheep on your lawn in the month of August in the state of Vermont? That's against the law... or is it? We mainly just take it for granted that someplace, somewhere, it's written that you can and cannot do something.

So this leads to my new economic stimulus idea, since spending billions of dollars we don't have isn't seeming to help at all (from what I can tell): put thousands of unemployed Americans to work by going through all of the various "laws" and then documenting them. Then, filtering through the useless ones (like sheep grazing), making some new ones that should be there, having it stored on a website, and making everyone sign something saying that they've been on the website or even better, giving everyone a condensed copy made from newspaper no longer needed since newspapers are basically useless anyway.

[Yes, I know what you're saying, "we have lawyers who do this already". Well if we have so many lawyers, then why so many broken laws? I could steal something and be arrested and then say that I am under the impression that nothing is legal unless agreed upon in writing... and I never signed anything saying that I wouldn't do this, or even acknowledging it's illegal. I was just taught that stealing was wrong, and if I particularly didn't agree with my parents because I could claim that they told me whole milk and chuck ground beef was good for me and lead paint tastes best, then why should I believe them about stealing?]

But back to my point (collective applause): all Americans besides those over the age of 55, those honorably discharged and/or retired military personnel or those not yet 13 must sign a document acknowledging that they understand the "law" in America and agree to abide by it. Again, we could remove all of the old laws that don't really apply anymore or are useless, like the aforementioned sheep grazing one, and add in ones that might not exist but should, like driving too slow in the passing lane, acknowledging that yes indeed, coffee cups could very well contain hot liquids (so no need to print this on the side of the cup) and even silly ones like the number of times Bob from Bob's Discount Furniture can advertise an hour (ok, perhaps that's a stretch). Even so, we live in a democratic society, so we can make these rules with a majority rule!

Actually I just wrote the part about the hot liquids because some idiot just came back from the club car without a lid on their coffee and it spilled on their hand as they walked down the aisle and they grimaced, being mad at the TRAIN, going about 100 mph, and not the fact that they didn't think that perhaps putting a lid on the cup would be a good idea. Maybe a law against idiocy?

And thus the answer to illegal immigrants: welcome to America. Sign this document. We'll even get a translator for the language you speak. Now don't break the law. Because you've been warned and hey, we now have your signature on this handy document.

...I am convinced that ESPN's John Clayton is either a puppet or he's a computer hologram. He does not blink or change his facial expression between times he talks in a Q&A. Besides looking like what the kid from Jerry McGuire will look like when he gets older-- and perhaps, since that movie is now considered old, he's one and the same-- he sort of makes you mad that this guy somehow got into sports yet looks like he should be auditing your taxes.

...I believe the top new fake excuse for not paying attention on a Webex or conference call or just politely saying "I really don't give a shit about this call, or you, but I have to attend so it looks like I care" is now "Sorry, I had you on mute" when someone is asked a question and there is a delayed response. The old fake excuses used to be a tie between "Can you repeat that question? It was going in and out on my phone" and "I'm driving through a dead zone so I may have lost you" which is plummeting now thanks to good cell coverage. The "mute" excuse is one of my favorites since while people are on mute, very few people actually forget most likely because they are doing something else and don't want people to hear the typing of the keyboard or the sounds from the You Tube video they've been sent from their friends. I can so tell when people aren't paying attention. That should be my job... hmm... "Conference Call Attention Facilitator". I like the ring to that. Get it? Ring?

...Speaking of being on mute, I would have to say that this is the best innovation ever for any sort of phone. No one can hear Sportscenter on in the background, or the crunching of the food you're eating or the groans and sighs from the boredom of the call. You'd think that I would say caller name/ID would be the best, but think about it... while that helps you decide if you pick up or not, the mute button can hide your remorse at picking up, which is just as good if not better.

Ok, that's enough fodder for one day. There should be a law on the amount of drivel I write, right?

Mike

Springtime Memo

Happy Spring, everyone.

The days are getting longer, the nights becoming shorter, the weather seeming warmer, the dog crap underneath the snow on our yards looking soggier, and even Leon's getting laa-aaa-aargger. So why is everyone so grumpy? Well that's an easy answer, and we all know it.

The economy sucks.

We can all do our part, however, and there are three sure-fire ways to improve your attitude as well as the economy:

1. Buy a Snugee. So what if it's a backwards cape and you look like Obi-Wan Kenobi? You get a free reading light, for crying out loud!
2. Stop watching the news and reading the newspaper. The dow was down to under 7000? I didn't realize that. AIG? What's that? I feel better already.
3. Recycle. To those of you who still think going green should only be for Kermit the Frog, you are now in the minority. Even though in reality the thugs who run the public works most likely throw your glass and plastic into the same landfill as your baby's diapers, it's a nice thought, so do it.

And speaking of recycling, I thought I would dig up something I wrote a little while and amend it to entertain you. After all, if you take my advice of not reading the newspaper, you have to read SOMETHING!

So here goes...

A few years back I had to write a memo to the sales staff of my company about some new policy that I really didn't understand but was "going to be implemented immediately" and thus had to be "effectively communicated to the salesforce". The memo had something to do with, um, I
don't really know. As I have learned over the years, when I don't totally understand either something that I'm supposed to document or write and then send out to a mass audience, I just write it up with some big words in efforts to confuse the hell out of the people reading it so that I can say that I did the memo "as requested". It usually works, unless I'm asked about some of the contents to the memo, and then I respond with a curt yet effective "please refer to the memo
for further elaboration on that." Then I hide under a blanket and hope everything magically takes care of itself on its own. So as I was writing this memo, all I could think of was that I'm turning into some "Lumburgh" persona from Office Space. Of course I say this as I stare at my oversized coffee mug and I'm thinking of asking some people on my team to come on in on Saturday. Umm... yeahhhh. Stop it!

I could be writing much more effective and more relevant memos if sent to the correct audiences. In fact, if my job was indeed "memo writer", and at one point it was, I would make the following memos to various people:

-- Memo to our new President: When you have a down day and it seems like everyone is against you and you're doing a lousy job, it may pick you up to remember who your predecessor was, and that a lousy job was sometimes considered an improvement.
-- Memo to our First Lady: You bring a touch of class to the White House, which is nice, however no one really cares about what you're bushes you're planting in the white house lawn. In fact, we elected your husband to forget about the bushes that were there.
-- Memo to the people concerned about athletes taking steroids: I couldn't care less if these people got sick and died from steroids. I cheered every home run and 100 mph fastball strikeout, and will continue to do so. Unless they are a friend of mine or a family member, go ahead and let them kill themselves. Sox tickets are $85 a pop for the good seats and you better believe I want to see a slug-fest rather than a suicide squeeze bunt winning a game (note: I actually saw that game last year where the Sox won on a bunt and I will admit that it was pretty damn exciting).
-- Memo to people who think that athletes are overpaid: If your boss came to you at work and asked if you would accept a 300% raise, would you say no? This is America. If some idiot wants to pay someone to stand on a small hill and throw an object 60 feet and 6 inches while someone tries to hit the object with a large wooden stick, and pay them tremendously more than someone who actually does something productive for a living, let them pay for it. And congrats to those people who get that kind of money.
-- Memo to the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon: 99.999% of the people who buy your product couldn't care less about what kind of award that beer won nor even think that the beer could ever win an award to begin with. What blue ribbon could possibly be award to PBR besides "cheapest beer"? Just stay cheap.
-- Memo to the other non-microbrew beermakers of the world: Besides the 0.002% of the population consisting of those folks who brew their own beer, no one could give two craps about the quality of the barley and whatever "hops" are. College kids funneling beers or using their key to make a hole in a can of your fine beverage wouldn't know the difference between good and bad barley and hops anyway. And those more mature don't choose your beer because of the "cold filterization" or the fact that the family who owns the beer has been growing their barley for the past 100 years. They buy it because it's on sale. This isn't single malt scotch, you know.
-- Memo to Dunkin' Donuts: Cease all advertising immediately and use the money that is otherwise spent on commercials to go back into your business and make my large coffee under $2 once again.
-- Memo to SUV drivers: Just because your leather-seated 12 mpg SUV is larger than most cars and has that cute "4X4" button does not mean that if there are several inches of snow and ice on the road does this allow you to drive 80mph while talking on your phone. This is why most of you end up off the road flipped over. Think about it-- while dropping off your kids, you still take a left hand turn from the right lane, so there is no right given to you to speed on ice and snow.
-- Memo to A-Rod: When someone breaks a mirror, superstition is defined as seven years of bad luck. You have seven years left on your Yankees contract. Think about it.
-- Memo to people who drive the speed limit or slower in the left hand lane on a highway: The speed limit sign unofficially applies to the right lane only. When you begin to form a parade in back of you, move to the right please.
-- Memo to Geico: You have passed the point of being considered an alternative for car insurance by most people I know since I believe that public sentiment is, "if I DON'T use Geico, the extra $20 or so per year that I would save is money well spent if it eliminates those caveman and that stupid roll of money with the eyeballs. Done deal!"
-- Memo to Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft (X-Box): The average human being has 5 fingers on each hand. Kindly remake your controller to have less than the 12 buttons on them and to make a command for a character in your games do something like "run" or "jump" not require having to hold down two of the buttons and then tear a ligament in your finger to press down another button or two. See, "Joystick, Atari."
-- Memo to those who invested with Bernie Madoff: Be thankful that there is no fine print in this memo like the fine print on whatever you signed with him that you apparently didn't read. Also, his last name should have sent off all sorts of bad vibes to you. It's like finding out your daughter has a date with a guy Howie Feltersnatch.
-- Memo to the makers of bottled water who sell their water for $1.59: Congratulations.
-- Memo to CBS and FOX: While watching football games, the average viewer actually finds it annoying rather than entertaining to hear your paid announcer say something like "So now it's 3rd and 5 on the Patriot's 10 yard line... don't miss tomorrow's 'King of Queens' when the cute woman says something witty to that fat guy... Brady spots a blitz and throws quick over the
middle..."
-- Memo to the companies who's customer service greeting says something like "this call may be
recorded for training purposes": Rather than using my call to train others, how about training the people who answer phone calls in a classroom using the scenarios they should know before taking my call?
-- Memo to me: Write shorter notes. This is getting ridiculous already.
-- Memo to all of the people who are reading this: I'll try and write them a little more frequently, and lot shorter.

Happy March Madness,
Mike

What Inauguration? It's DTV Conversion mania!!

Happy Winter!

A strange and bizarre phenomenon apparently happened this past winter in New England-- it got cold! Wait... you mean that this doesn't sound newsworthy or strange? Well you wouldn't have guessed this by the crazy reactions to sub zero temperatures and leading news stories about the weather. It's either a slow news day or local news finds it compelling to go to area strip malls and ask random people how they're reacting to the weather. My favorite reaction was an older gentleman who simply answered, "It's January!" in a very short response. Amen, brother.

Anyway, the cold weather hasn't delayed me from writing lately, just the lack of motivation and material, however call me a little stir crazy but there's some "brain snow" I need to shovel out and put into print...

-- While I am absolutely sick and tired of the relentless commercials about the impending conversion to "Digital TV" I cannot wait for the interview from some remote little town on the day after this conversion with an idiot who apparently was "surprised" by the changeover. I can see the copy now... "I'm live here in West Cupcake, NH, and surprisingly, even after over TWO YEARS of warning people that their favorite soap operas won't be available by just wrapping tin foil around the rabbit ears on their black and white TV set, some people in this little backwards town still flooded TV stations with angry calls, demanding a rebroadcast of 'One Life to Live'." You cannot watch any network television show or listen to the radio without the constant reminders about how if you're one of the several hundred people left in this country who still use rabbit ears and tin foil to watch your "stories" you now have to go out and get a box to make this happen-- or else!! I wonder how much healthier this country would be if public interest television reminded people to wash their hands after going to the bathroom or that Skittles are indeed not "fruit" rather than the constant doomsday warnings about how watching "Oprah" won't be possible without the new converter box. Sadly, even my own mother was confused with what she needed to do in anticipation of the "big day" (there is actually a countdown of days on her local news station which, since she lives in Western MA, is the lead story EVERY night). "Will I only be able to watch the HD channels? What about my NECN? How will I get the weather?*" *- my mother insists on several channels to get her weather information and then takes the best or worst case scenario depending on what she has to do that day.

-- Do they make toxic crayons? I don't think so. You think it's safe for Crayola to remove the giant "NON-TOXIC" from the box? Speaking of which, whoever invented the crayon sharpener is a genius. And speaking of which, no, I don't write in crayon... usually.

-- Sixteen years ago this week, my old college roommate Patrick and I traveled from Westfield to Washington DC to watch the Clinton inauguration. My memories from that trip include: stopping in Philadelphia at the Betsy Ross house and calling it the "Marion Ross house" and at first laughing since we both instantly knew that this was the name of the actress who played Mrs. Cunningham on "Happy Days" and then being quite melancholy knowing that perhaps we may not to publicize the fact that we knew this little bit of trivia; breaking my aunt and uncle's salt and pepper shaker while we got drunk staying at their house and to this day I have not replaced it-- how ARE they seasoning their food?!; getting primo space near the Treasury building to see the Clintons walk down the street and snapping some great pictures (which I really should scan); and driving back through NYC and going to a Mexican restaurant where I had flan for the first, and thankfully last, time. When I look back on this, I can't believe that that's all I remember from this trip.

-- Is there anyone else who sees snowplows as the absolute definition of a paradox? Stay behind the plow and you drive much safer, yet at 15 mph. Pass the plow and you make better time yet risk hazardous conditions. And what do we all do? We pass the plow. This shows how valuable saving time is versus being safe. This also shows that I was going to make this paradox much more interesting to write about and in my mind, created all sorts of scenarios and stories yet when it boils down to it, it is what it is.

And on that note... I'll talk to you all most likely when this great nation has a new President signaling the end of an "error" and while I will not be down in DC this time around, I will remember the Clinton one fondly by watching endless reruns of "Happy Days".

Cheers and stay warm,
Mike

Spirit of '77

Ah, 1977. What a fantastic year! Groovy bell bottoms... "Billy Beer"... Disco! Actually, wait a second... it wasn't all that good at all. Bell bottom pants? Jimmy Carter? Disco?! Ah who am I kidding... this whole blog is off to a big fat lie. I turned 6 years old towards the ends of 1977 and was lucky enough to remember not wetting the bed anymore never mind what kind of year it was. Yes indeed, I do not wet the bed anymore.

But going through some of my old CD's as well as some of my Dad's old albums (for those under the age of 25 who are reading this, and shame on you if you are, an album was usually referred to as a "record", made of non-biodegradable vinyl and played on a turntable or "record player". Seriously. Look it up), I realized that there were a lot of really, really REALLY crappy records that came out in 1977.




It's easy to call 1977 a loser year of music-- the #1 song was "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone making thousands of elevator operators want to kill her, people like Leo Sayer and Glenn Campbell not only had hits but were actually employed looking like they did, and shows like Dance Fever and Solid Gold debuted most of the disco crap that defined the '70s. Do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight.

However I would put three of these records into the Must-Listen category and after listening to them after a long absence, I did a little research about the albums and felt compelled to write about them. Well that, plus I was stuck on a conference call, and then stuck in traffic coming home, so I had some time to both listen AND write.

Before I begin, two points: first, I realize you might email me or make a comment and say "Mike how could possibly not include [insert lousy record by some one hit wonder, like "Player" or "Ambrosia"]?" and my answer is twofold: first, duly noted-- write your own blog about how great "How Much I Feel" by Ambrosia is and be prepared to be ridiculed; and second, I would include both the soundtrack to "Saturday Night Fever" and "Grease" however (a) SNF came out Christmas of 1977, so really it's a 1978 record and (b) "Grease", while still a great album in its form and played endlessly in our basement as my sister and our neighbors used to recreate it into some sort of disco palace/dance emporium-- and I wish I was making that part up-- totally jumped the proverbial shark after the remake of "Summer Lovin" that they now play at weddings and just brings back memories of prom chicken, cutting the cake, releasing the doves and, well, weddings. So get over it.

So I'll be putting on my music-nerd persona here for a moment-- this is where you add the part about you not being able to tell the difference-- and here are the three albums which you should listen to and recreate that time that WAS 1977... in no particular order of importance, chronology, preference, smell, grooviness or alphabet (note: by accident, they ARE in alphabetical order):



Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours". OK, they play songs on the radio way too much as just about every song is a hit, or pretty close, but next time you listen to any of these songs, think about these facts. (1) Like most 1970's bands, especially rock n' roll bands, everyone was on some serious drugs; (2) They recorded this album in a studio made completely out of wood with no windows and oh by the way (3) Every couple that comprised the band (Buckingham/Nicks, the McVies, Fleetwood and his wife) not only were breaking or divorcing, but the songs were written mainly about their own breakup, and oh by the way (4) they all had to play on these songs written about their breaking up and in some cases, about other people. "You Make Lovin' Fun"? That wasn't Christine McVie writing about her ex-hubby playing bass. Yet he played bass on it. Lindsay Buckingham writing about "Go Your Own Way"? That was about him breaking up with Stevie Nicks. Imagine that conversation, "Um, Stevie, can you sing the refrain on this?" Remarkably, she did. Yes, Lindsay's a guy and Stevie's a girl-- how cool was this band? This album also contains "Songbird" which, if it doesn't make you cry, proves that you are not human. I freely admit I ball when I hear this. There are songs about drugs ("Gold Dust Woman", do the math-- Nicks was on coke the entire time), new love ("You Make Loving Fun"), and telling someone to beat it ("Second Hand News"). What's best is that like most 1970's albums, this one has the lyrics. Remember when music had actual lyrics that didn't rhyme with "hizzle"?



Billy Joel's "The Stranger".I must admit that there are two big reasons why I love this album: 1. My parents played it continuously for oh, six straight months and 2. I choose to sing "She's Always a Woman" but with explicit lyrics when I'm forced to sing at karaoke bars. Who am I kidding... I usually volunteer. Anyway, this album's big hit was "Only the Good Die Young" which of course exposed how Catholic girls wait so long to have sex . And this also forced us kids to ask our parents what it meant when Billy sings abou the "Catholic girls starting much too late". Starting WHAT much too late, Mommy? I would assume that these sort of the same uncomfortable questions would be today's version of the "Mommy, why is that guy smiling so much after taking that Viagara/Enzyte?" This is my favorite Billy Joel album, closely edging out "Turnstiles" (extremely underrated) and like "Rumours", reflects love scorned as Billy wrote this after a breakup with his then-wife. The album cover has him staring at a mask on a pillow in bed and guys, how many of us have all been there before (metaphorically, not literally-- that would be a little creepy)? What makes this album great is the lyrics and, like "Rumours", they are printed in the album. "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" has the great middle part about Brenda and Eddie buying paintings from Sears and the lead track "Movin' Out" has arguably one of the best all-time lyrics, "And if he can't drive with a broken back/At least he can polish the fender." And "The Stranger" has one of the nicest piano parts and then grooves into poppish '70's rock. The only negatives is that "Just the Way You Are" is played more in Muzak and Casio keyboard demos than it is on the radio, but look past that and listen to this from beginning to end. And speaking of the end, when you listen to the part of "Everybody Has A Dream", it's essentially the same piano beginning that "Saturday Night Live" plays at the end of their shows when the host gathers everyone on stage and thanks everyone for "what a great show this was" and how "this was a huge experience". I swear that I think SNL actually uses cue cards for the end skit.



Steely Dan, "Aja". Those of you with any musical background and who have ever played an instrument are probably smiling and nodding right now and the rest of you who actually hooked up with a lot of girls in college and were considered "cool" probably have no idea that this album even exists and are surprised that Steely Dan had a hit besides "Reelin In the Years". "Aja" took forever to make-- about a year-- and is a musical masterpiece. Fortunately, it is digitally remastered on CD since this is one of the times where the "warmth" of vinyl does not do this album the justice it deserves. What's remarkable is that besides the two key members of Steely Dan, Donald Fagan and Walter Becker, the supporting cast are some of the best studio musicians in rock history and NONE of the songs actually were played ensemble; all of what you hear is are individual musicians playing their instruments listening to the other parts over existing tracks. Steely Dan had inside jokes all over this album and their entire discography-- they once wrote a song purposely in the key of Gb because they didn't want anyone to cover the song-- and this album is no exception. The first track, "Black Cow" is one of those decadent '70s songs with a funk beat that has every stereotypical '70's cliche into it; a fat snare, a honkytonk bass line, girls singing chorus, and I assume that this song )and presumably this entire album) were written with the thought of trying to expose what the 70's were about; excess, decadence and overproduction. The title track "Aja" has one of the best drum lines of any rock song, played by an admittedly-high Steve Gadd (who does the drums on Paul Simon's "50 Ways"-- go ahead and try and duplicate that) who messed up in the solo and hit his drumstick by mistake and allegedly was told to "keep playing" and they ended up using that track. The only hits on this album were "Peg" and "Deacon Blues" which were edited down and played on FM radio. "Home At Last" is one of my favorites and honestly, ahead of its times when they sing about a "super highway" with all sorts of flaws, much like my industry (ha ha). "Josie" closes the album in a classy way, sort of saying "if you weren't alive in 1977 and living in some old studio apartment in the lower East side of NYC, well, this album sort of tells you what it was like". I guarantee that if you have never heard this album before and listened to it, you will not like it the first time. And then listen to it again for the second time and you'll feel much different.

OK what a ramble... take a journey and go back in time and pick these up. If you'd like to comment on any of the above, well, it's a free country, so shake out your habs and hooters and remember, I love you just the way you are...

Mike

A preview to this year's Thanksgiving leftovers...

Greetings Turkey Day lovers and a few token vegetarians,

Like turkey sandwiches, reheated mashed potatoes and the last piece of pumpkin pie that no one wants to eat because the top of the pie is beginning to shrivel and separate from its crust like some sort of earthquake fault, I deliver to you a rehashed and reheated blog. Hopefully it doesn't turn your stomach enough so that you can't enjoy today's fare. I've sent this out the day before Thanksgiving in years past and due to my busyness-- as well as forgetfulness-- I spaced out. So keeping in the tradition of being a day late and a dollar short, here you go, and enjoy. I edited it so it appears that I wrote it today. How's THAT for being clever!?

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

===

'Tis time again to loosen the belt and shovel
in food in celebration of everything thankful. Yesterday
millions of Americans traveled by plane,
train or automobile to see friends and family in
preparation of a dinner today where we all give
thanks for what we have, if for nothing more than the
fact that we're not the bird on the table.

Like such traditions and classics as "Alice's
Restaurant" (OK, i'm dating myself here and revealing
to all that I grew up with parents who still think of
the 1960's as "groovy"), the Detroit Lions losing and
highway traffic jams, the following tedious email is a
mish-mosh of past Hump Day columns centering around
Thanksgiving. And, like "Alice's Restaurant", it goes
on way too long and has little or no point. But here
goes.



Today is one of the greatest days of the year as we
all get to give thanks for what we have and who we get
to spend it with. We do this by arguing over who is
supposed to do what, ingesting three meals worth of
turkey and fixings in about 6 1/2 minutes and then
falling asleep in a food coma, dreaming of how
thankful we are. Then tomorrow, most people spend the
day seeing other people... in line at the mall as the
official Holiday Shopping season begins.

As every redblooded American knows, the
Thanksgiving "holiday" is a three-day festival which
accurately portrays what our pilgrim forefathers did
back in the 1620's when they pahked their cahs on
Plymouth Rock (not really a big rock for those of you
who never saw it):



Wednesday (ysterday)- getting out of work early and
joining up at an area bar to get totally smashed and
pick a fight with some guy who dated the girl you
liked in high school. Just like the pilgrims who saw
Indians and decided to start shooting them to "make
peace".

Thursday- Hungover, some younger folks would attend
the traditional rival high school football game and
make up with the people they got in a fight with.
Then, lots of turkey and stuffing and sleeping on the
couch watching football. Just like the pilgrims who
then decided that killing wasn't all that cracked up
to be and made peace by having dinner with them, while
John Alden talked to Chief Massasoit and traded a
crock pot of yams for land that today is known as
"Rhode Island".

Friday- Either calling in sick to work, if it already
hasn't been canceled and then budgeting the Christmas
spending budget to somehow buy presents for 20 people
and spend approximately $50, not including the $62.99
you're spending on yourself for a new NFL football
jersey. Why the Patriots don't play the Redskins every
Thanksgiving is beyond me.



Women have a similar version, except it usually
involves getting in a fight with several old high
school friends (who are now, according to the women,
"fat") and budgeting several times the allotted amount
for people, including some they don't even know.

Thanksgiving to me means a little more since I grew up
in the cranky-yankee area of New England, where
Thanksgiving was "discovered". I've been privy to
witness great historical relics and achievements, such
as the Freedom Trail, the Freedom Big-Dig Tunnel, and
various new Dunkin Donuts construction. I didn't grow
up in Boston but rather Western Massachusetts, (which
Bostonians refer to as "friggin faah") yet shared such
eastern Massachusetts customs as creating needless
construction projects like repairing a bridge that
seemed to work perfectly fine, cutting public
education budgets, and erecting statues to Ted
Kennedy, paid for by the Coalition to Cut Public
Education Funding.



New Englanders are, by tradition, irritable and
abrasive by nature. Much of this irritability is due
to the fact that New England, specifically
Massachusetts, is the "oldest child" of the United
States. Useless States that came out long after
Massachusetts, like Utah, Colorado and North Dakota,
got all sorts of benefits that Massachusetts didn't,
like straight borders and two-way divided highways.
What does this all have to do with Thanksgiving? Take
it easy, I'm getting there, and now will give you the
National Enquirer version of how Thanksgiving came to
be, since you want to know.

If you refer to your history books, which I know you
won't, you'll see that New England was first inhabited
by the Pilgrims for Limited Taxation. The pilgrims,
tired of the oppressive King who hated their funny
black hats, set sail on Mayflower Van Lines and landed
in Boston, only to find that construction diverted all
ships south of the city, and thus ended up in
Plymouth, named after the Volare that one of the
Pilgrims, nicknamed "Sully", drove. They celebrated
their journey at a tavern called The Rock (Sideline
here-- if you've never been to Plymouth, for some
reason the Hysterical-- I mean Historical Society of
Plymouth chooses to spell the name of the town
"Plimoth", for no reason other to create the need for
someone with nothing else to do to go to the
historical society HQ and ask why). Immediately upon
arrival, the pilgrims built triple-decker houses,
liquor stores and Chinese restaurants. Rather than
waste needless energy that could otherwise be spent
repressing people, they let their horses run free and
make up the roads in the town, the reason why today it
is virtually impossible to find a straight road longer
than 10 feet anywhere in Eastern Massachusetts. They
built these domiciles along side of these curvy roads
and homage to this architecture is found today in a
land called the South Shore (South Shore motto: "We
are not the North Shore").

Of course the pilgrims weren't the first inhabitants
of Plymouth or America in general. Native Americans,
who were called Indians until one of the pilgrims who
actually hailed from India, Ahmed Abdul-Rahim Johnson,
objected, roamed the land and had crazy ideas like
building casino and selling cheap cigarettes. Pilgrims
wanted the land for themselves and thought it might be
best to fight these Indians for their lands. But
instead, the pilgrims built toll-bridges to gain
entrance to this new land and the Indians, who were of
course penniless, were forced to retreat to a land now
called Foxwoods. However, today we salute these
Indians by naming all of our rivers and lakes after
them and today they get the get the last laugh by
hearing motorists try and pronounce the name
"Pemiwagassetaweebawopashishboomba River" as they
drive in rotting bridges over these bodies of water,
on their way to deposit their money in area casinos*.

*- A casino was founded by Indians as a way to pay for
those aforementioned tolls.



The leader of the pilgrims, Johnny Massachusetts,
proclaimed this new land his own, and had his buddies
Fred Braintree, Darren "too tall" Dedham, Josiah
Weymouth, Bill Rica, Tom Finneran (whoops) and two
guys just nicknamed "Sully" go off in the land and
found their own villages. Each agreed that for one day
a year they would all gather in Plymouth with their
Native American casino breathren, have a nice meal and
give Thanksgiving, and then try and destroy each
other's football teams the next day.

So this year, as you sit down at your table wherever
you are, carve into the bird, grab a spoonful of
potatoes and a forkful of stuffing, be thankful of the
many blessings you have and enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's clearly black and white

Howdy all,

It's been a while since I've written anything-- never mind one of these little ditties-- and while I never promised a timetable on when I would post something, under normal circumstances I would have written about all sorts of things since my last post. Things I consider interesting, like why ESPN Sportcenter is still interesting after the 6th time in a row that you watch it, or who come up with the universal picture symbols for digital cameras. Well, interesting to ME, that is.

However my time and my focus has been shifting towards the health of my Dad who unfortunately has been diagnosed with some sort of mysterious illness which has hospitalized him for the last month or so and has impaired his speech, vision and motor skills. On the surface, it sounds like he suffered a stroke yet the tests he's had shows that this is not the case, so now they believe that there is a form of lymphoma and he's undergoing chemotherapy to treat that.

So how am I doing? Surprisingly well. Of course, the whole situation sucks, but one thing I can do well is keep an optimistic outlook on things and remain positive. I'm a firm believer that people's thoughts about someone, either positive or negative, change their "energy" so the more positive the thinking, the better. And fortunately, I'm surrounded by many positive people in my life including some I know are more prominent in my life for this reason!

So why am I writing about this? Well, they say that things happen for a reason, and as I went out to help my mom with a bunch of things around the house, I used my Dad's computer and realized that his project he had worked on to scan all of the old black and white slides and pictures had been finished. At least I assume he was finished with them all-- I had never seen most of these before and there are a ton of them. My dad is an incredible photographer and in the late 60's bought a Mamiya/Sekar 35mm camera (don't bother trying to find one, they are long out of business) and learned how to develop his own pictures as well. Much like those of you with kids make sure you have a good digital camera or camcorder, he wanted to make sure that he would be able to get these memories on film. And some of these pictures are rather cool and not just because the feature subject was me in a great majority of them. So I thought I would write about some of them, post them as well, and share them with you.

Before I begin, this isn't a call for your pity or sympathy or anything like that or some sort of therapeutic exercise on my part... well perhaps that last part has a little truth to it. In fact I wasn't going to write about these pictures at all but rather some of the albums that I found of his that I have and how incredible the year 1977 was for music (well, at least for these albums. I guess that the hits by "Player" and "Ambrosia" from that year could be argued against calling them "incredible") and still plan on doing so. Yet here goes with some pictures that I got a smile out of and perhaps you will too (caption after photo):


They say that a sense of humor is something that is not genetically transferred from generation to generation however this picture of me circa 1972 or so has me wearing a sweatshirt that says "I am a tax deduction". This is not only hilarious but something I would totally put on my kid, to which all of you are collectively sighing a breath of relief that to date, I do not have any kids (that I know about).



I wasn't going to roll out the "awwww" pictures this early... however this picture of me and my mom is not only purposely trying to drag the "aww what a cute kid-- what the hell happened?" comments out of you but also hopefully shows the warmth that film can capture in a picture-- something that digital pictures simply cannot do (I am convinced).



Someone call DSS!! My mom is giving me a Schlitz. You all wonder where my love of cheap beer comes from? Well now you know.



What is the significance of this picture? This picture was taken around 7:15am on November 6, 1971. I was about two hours old.



I like this picture because I believe it was the last time where I was smiling while shoveling snow.



My first set of wheels, license plate and all. It ran far smoother than my first motorized set of wheels, a 1977 Plymouth Volare. Go ahead, sing it, everyone does... "Voooo-larrr-e". Gag.


I love this picture because it captures several action points at once. My grandfather is on the right, pensively passing sugar to someone, my mom is on the left talking to no one in particular (ah, how things remain the same over time) and my aunt Julie ponders another piece of Bundt cake.


Vaudeville runs in my family and my wacky aunts are no exception to that fact. As they put on some sort of broadway show, I apparently don't seem too interested as for me, it's all about the bottle.


I love making funny faces and while I like to think that at age 1+ I was making one for the camera, I think it could have been because I am apparently teething.


This would have been a totally cool abstract picture had it not been for the reflection of my dad in the water below.


One thing about my Dad-- he loves to read. And I am totally sure that this article about the upcoming '72 Election is captivating him to the point of making a rather ominous face. Hey, at least he's not holding the magazine vertically.

OK that's it for now... expect something soon about 1977 and three albums that you should own if you either lived in 1977, were curious about 1977, or if you need to cover a hole in the wall and would like an album cover to do the trick!

Mike

Debate a day late and a dollar short...

SO... I'm pretty pissed right now.

After watching some of last night's debate between McCain and Obama, I had a great idea to write up my own mock debate and today, in between distracting myself from work and the week's events, I wrote it up. To spice it up and for comedic value alone, I included Palin and Biden in the debate and of course wrote about each of the candidate's "quirks" and also included Joe the Plumber in my mock debate.

Genius! (in my mind)

Well... SNL decided to kill time and put their own lousy show on tonight which took a lot of my own ideas and put it on the air. So I decided to shelve it and bring it out closer to the election where I can then edit it and make it seem "fresh", and not in the douchebag "fresh" way.

However I did find my 2004 debate email and decided to post it here anyway.

So go back in time and relive our reviled W and the flip-flopper and enjoy.
====================================
Fellow Americans (and a few Canadians, I think):

I am pleased to offer this exclusive
transcript of the Fourth Presidential Debate for
Election 2004. You may have thought that the
candidates only agreed to three debates, however using
some of the surplus from the Clinton Administration,
enough money was found to have a fourth. While the
Bush campaign party strongly opposed this debate since
it required the President to speak in complete
sentences and not use an earpiece, both teams agreed
to this on the condition that Kerry not whiten his
teeth and oversmile and that Bush try to say words
with more than three syllables. The debate was
conducted in my basement, aka Mantown, and carried on
C-SPAN2 (yes there is a C-SPAN2, as if C-SPAN1 and its
one camera wasn't enough).

Moderator (me): Thank you Senator Kerry and President
Bush for attending this totally false and made-up
Fourth Debate of the Presidential Election, live from
Mantown in Manchester, New Hampshire. This debate will
be short, as I can only type so much, and you will
each have several sentences to answer each question
directed at you, and those responding have several
sentences less, and so on, and you get the drift.
Before this debate, a coin was flipped to determine
who gets to answer the first question and the winner
was Senator Kerry, with President Bush, for some
reason, saying that he will defend the north End Zone.
So Senator Kerry, the first question is to you.

Me: Senator, your voting record in the Senate for the
past 20 years has been rather lackluster, attending
only a sporadic number of votes on the floor, some of
which were crucial to the debate. How can Americans be
so sure that you won't be retreating to Camp David and
that you will be an active president?

Kerry: Well first Mike, I want to thank you for
writing this email, since I get rather bored on the
Senate floor, when I do show up, and need something
besides Ted Kennedy's bar tab on his expense reports
to read. I want to address your question head-on, and
say that I have a plan. A plan. I have one. I told my
plan to Bethany, a midwifer from Rochester, New
Hampshire, just north of here. I asked her what a
midwifer was, and she told me. And I told her my plan.
If elected President, I intend to let everyone know
what a midwifer is and what she does, and what my plan
is and how i'll use it.

Bush: Thank you Mike for letting me come here. We no
longer live in a pre "9-11" America. That is because
my administration has spent millions to prove that
indeed we are living in a post "9-11" America.
(pause). 9-11 happened. (pause). It's in the past.
(pause). We've been through a lot together. Remember
that time I, I, denied I knew anything? Yeah, me too.
See, a lot together.

Me: Since neither of you directly answered that
question, I'll try again with another one and this one
is for President Bush. Mr. President, it has been said
that the quality of health care the past four years
has declined substantially and that your
administration hasn't done anything to combat the high
premiums from insurance companies. How do you plan to
change things, if you intend to, the next four years
if re-elected?

Bush: Well first Mike, I am proud of our health care
system. Sure, it ain't perfect. We got them Canadiens
there, to our "north", who make cheaper medicines.
That's ok. I've done research on how we can better our
health care bill. My research shows that if Americans
wash their hands with soap, they reduce their chances
of getting sick. That's why I propose, with the help
of my good friends at [checking notes to see where his
investments are] "Proc-tor" and "Gam-ble", to
introduce the "No Germs Left Behind" bill which will
give bars of soap, useful soap, to all Americans. We
gotta wash our hands. We do. It's that simple.

Kerry: Mike, to say that all Americans can cure their
ills with soap is just wrong. See, I have a plan. I
remember meeting Millie, an unemployed redneck at a
tractor pull in Jethro, West Virginia, complaining
that she has missed an entire week's work at the Dairy
Queen because of a twinge in her back. Millie gave me
an idea for a plan. And a plan I have. If elected, I
intend to start the "Don't Get Sick" campaign and my
plan will encourage all Americans to suck it up a
little, to take a few aspirin and get some additional
sleep, and see if their problem goes away. Got a
stuffy nose? Blow it. It works for me, and my plan
will work for everyone.

Me: I can only hope for the health of our citizens no
matter who wins this. Maybe i'll have better luck with
an education question. Senator Kerry, Massachusetts
has long been known as an "education" state, with many
fine colleges and learning institutions across the
commonwealth. What plan do you have for improving our
education level in the United States if you're
elected?

Kerry: Well Mike, we have all seen what lack of
funding for education has done under a Republican
government and presidency. I mean, highly educated
people are becoming disenchanted in their own jobs
that don't challenge their brain and are instead
writing long-winded emails that have no point and go
nowhere and--

Me: (coughing a little) Ahem, um, stick to the
question please, Senator.

Kerry: Our children have become dumber and as a
result, people like Janice, a crackwhore in Michigan
who I met at a Steak N Shake after a night out with
Ted Kennedy, are now turning tricks instead of
untangling trigonometry. I have a plan for education.
Education has been successful in Massachusetts,
especially in spelling, because the name of our state
is so hard to spell. You can see states like
Connnecticut, Pennsylvania, Mississippi... they all
have great spelling scores, besides Mississippi. I
pledge to reform education in states like Utah, like
Ohio, like Maine, to rename their states harder to
spell names and give our kids something tougher to
spell. I mean, President Bush's name is only one
syllable, and most kids add on an 'e' to the end
because it looks cool. I have a plan.

Bush: You know, I've been told that the "internets"
have all sorts of electronic e-mail-a-ma-jigs about my
edu-ma-cation. That's ok. I'm proud to show Americans
that you don't "need" education to become a President.
We introduced, with the help of the Democrats, my "No
Child Left Behind" bill. We're going to continue that
with my new program called "'C's' to Amaze". That
program will give C students, like I was, the
opportunity to B.S. their way out of class, to prove
that maybe that material they gotta lean just ain't
that important. It ain't! Also, my opponent hasn't
once mentioned that we can make our "internets" more
useful my deploying BOTH of the "internets". My
opponent only seems asphixiated on one.

Me: You do realized you used the word "asphixiated"
when you meant "fixated", don't you?

Bush: Just stick to the questions. That's our deal,
remember.

Me: Right. I think it's time to conclude our debate. I
would ask your views on gay marriage, however the
language that I would imagine both of you would use to
describe some of your fantasies would make this email
either undeliverable or directly into the "spam"
folder, so i'll go back to "old reliable". And
speaking of old reliable, tell me about the women in
your life again. I mean, that stole the show in the
last debate.

Bush: Well thank you Mike, and yes, I love women,
especially those who vote for me. I told America about
the time I met Laura, and how it was love at first
sight. I remember how she blew me off at first, and I
got her drunk and lied that I was a successful oil
businessman and that there was a sample of my "crude"
in the backseat of my pickup. [chuckles] That worked
everytime. I was immediately impressed that during her
"walk of shame" home from that BBQ that she didn't
immediately call me the next morning, making me meet
her parents or telling me that she loved me right
away. But enough of my wife. (mild applause). How
about my daughters? I mean dang, they are hot. Hot!
Got them twins there. Hot! You will see them in their
"twen-ties" the next four years. Vote for my opponent
and guess what, America. No Bush twins. That's right.
And if someone told me ten years ago that a woman
named Barbara Bush were hot, well, I'd have said you
were "loo-ney".

Kerry: First, I want to say how much I admire the
First Lady and how terrific I think she is. Laura is a
fine woman, and even though she didn't accept my
number I tried to give her after the last debate, I
still respect her. I told Ted Kennedy that didn't work
and maybe next time i'll offer her a drive in my car.
But last time I talked about the women in my life, I
talked about my mother. The first debate, I talked
about my wife, Teresa. Well I'd like to take that a
step further and talk about Mother Teresa. She was
quite an incredible woman and as Bonnie, an invalid
from ... [checking random swingvote state] ... Ohio
said, "I really want a woman like Mother Teresa to be
my nurse and increase my dosage of morphine." Amen to
you Bonnie, and to you Mother Teresa."

Me: Um, thanks Senator Kerry. That concludes our
fourth debate of the Presidential election. I would
like to thank... hold on a second...

Ralph Nader: Hey! Nice directions, Robinson. "Take a
left off the exit". Yeah, right! Did I miss anything?
Do I still have time?

Kerry: NO!
Bush: NO! I mean, YES!
Me: Have a great week, and no matter what you do
November 2nd, vote.

Mike