Robo's NFL Predictions Volume 9

Ah, Labor Day weekend is here. For some it means an extended vacation weekend. For others, a BBQ and wishing the summer farewell. And for those of us in telecom, it means little or absolutely nothing.

But Labor Day does have some significance in the sports world. It's usually the weekend before the start of the NFL season and thus the baton is passed from Baseball Season to Football Season.

And that means one thing: it's time for my annual ritual of predicting the NFL standings.

As I say each year (and to verify this, I am cutting and pasting these four disclaimers from last year's email I sent), please note the following:

1. If you use my picks to make bets, you're an idiot. I have an uncanny knack of making a lot of bad picks.
2. If you read that above sentence carefully, this should tell you how to bet on my picks if you're idiotic enough to do so. For those who are slow, the words are "against them".
3. I pick a "sleeper" every year and more often than not I am right. Note that the sleeper doesn't really win anything big but comes in much higher than the so-called "pros" project.
4. I just do this for fun. Like my baseball predictions this year (and last), don't take it too seriously.

So how did I do last year? After I right in my predictions I will put who I picked in the spot last year and whether I was right or wrong:

NFC East:

1. Dallas. On a related note, every Dallas cab and limo driver will tell Jessica Simpson that they do not know the way to the new stadium. Last year: Philadelphia (wrong)
2. Philadelphia. I have no idea why I am picking them to finish ahead of the Giants. Then again, I am usually wrong at most things. Last year: Dallas (wrong)
3. NY Giants. Super Bowl win last year, Super Bowl hangover this year. Last year: Giants (wrong)
4. Washington. As long as Daniel Snyder has anything to do with this team, I will pick them last. Last year: Washington (right)

NFC South:

1. New Orleans. Note that I picked them first last year too. Great off-season additions and no pressure. And with a hurricane primed to wipe out the city (again), they get a sympathy vote too. Last year: New Orleans (wrong)
2. Tampa Bay. I really don't like this team. I hate their redneck fans and think that Coach Chucky is an idiot. Still, they play Atlanta and Carolina twice, so... Last year: Atlanta (wrong)
3. Carolina. They could very well finish 1st if the running game comes through. Then again, I just read that Fred Taylor got arrested. Hey, guess who one of my keepers on my fantasy team was? Last year: Carolina (wrong)
4. Atlanta. The Matt Ryan era has begun. Unfortunately, so has the era for the rest of the team. Last year: Tampa Bay (not only wrong, they finished 1st).

NFC North:

1. Green Bay. What? No Favre? No worries. Last year: (RIGHT-- my sleeper pick. Take that!)
2. Minnesota. This is a longshot however a full season with Adrian Peterson can't be all that bad. Last year: Detroit (wrong)
3. Chicago. If you think Aaron Rodgers is bad, check out the QB's on this team. Last year: Chicago (wrong)
4. Detroit. All Lions fans have a countdown watch for when the Red Wings season begins. Lions motto: "Rebuilding since 1950". Last year: Minnesota (wrong)

NFC West:

1. Seattle. Julius Jones has a monster year for the 'Hawks. Last year: San Francisco (not only very wrong but my comment last year was "this is the season it all comes together for the 49ers).
2. Arizona. Could this be the year? Nope, but when you have these other teams in your division, you can't be that bad. And seriously, time to change the name of the franchise. There isn't a Cardinal anywhere near Arizona. Last year: St. Louis (wrong)
3. St. Louis. FANTASY ALERT: I picked Steven Jackson this year as my first pick in my fantasy draft (#5 overall). Those who know the significance of this know that now has Jackson destined to (a) have a season-ending injury; (b) have a potential career-ending injury; (c) inexplicably suck or (d) only do well when I trade him to another team. Past 1st round picks over the years that I've cursed have been Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, Marvin Harrison (don't ask) and Deuce MacAllister. Last year: Seattle (wrong)
4. San Francisco. Cool fact: one of their RB's name is Michael Robinson. I think I can play better. By the way, you are only allowed to recycle the joke "Did I just hear a 'niner'?" from "Tommy Boy" only once per season, so make it count. Last year: Arizona (right).

In case you think I just suck as predicting the NFC, you're right. Here are my AFC predictions and last year's results:

AFC East:

1. New England. To prevent jinxing this team, I will not comment at all. In fact, I am surprised I am putting them first. Last year: NE (right)
2. NY Jets. Favre has the year that they expect to have and the Jets win some surprising games. Wild Card pick. Last year: Buffalo (right)
3. Buffalo. Leads the league for most NFL wins in Canada this year. Last year: NY Jets (right)
4. Miami. I am SO tempted to pick them ahead of Buffalo. But I won't. Last year: Miami (right)

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis. New stadium but team clearly on the decline. Crowd chants DE-FAULT rather than DE-FENSE. Last year: Indy (right)
2. Jacksonville. I predicted last year that Garrard over Leftwich is a great move. I was actually right and was right with my pick. Last year: Jax (right)
3. Houston. If they beat Indy at least once this year, they may even have a chance to take the divison. Also has the nicest unis next to the Pats, in my opinion. Last year: Tennessee (right)
4. Tennessee. Worst uniforms in the NFL. And the team isn't that much better either. Last year: Houston (right)

AFC North:

1. Cleveland. Sleeper pick of 2008! Can I finally use the joke "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" and not talk about taking a dump?? Last year: Pittsburgh (right)
2. Pittsburgh. If I didn't think their running game was so iffy and if Hines Ward wasn't going on IR (because I drafted him), I wouldn't be as bullish on Cleveland as I am. Last year: Cincinnati (wrong)
3. Baltimore. New coach, no QB. Next! Last year: Baltimore (wrong)
4. Cincinnati. Chad Johnson changed his name to Ocho Cinco. Cincy changes it names to Quatro, as in the place they'll finish. Last year: Cleveland (wrong)

AFC West:

1. San Diego. LT. Last year: Denver (wrong)
2. Denver. Rumor has it they will use the "Together We Can" motto from the Obama rally at their stadium this year. Like Obama, they'll finish second this year. Last year: SD (wrong)
3. Oakland. McFadden wins rookie of the year award and Russell is most improved player. Al Davis wins Most Cosmetic Surgery for a Team Owner. Last year: KC (right)
4. Kansas City. Besides almost upsetting the Pats on Opening Day (you heard it here first), the team motto will be "the Kansas City Chiefs are on the clock" around mid-October. Last year: Oakland (right).

Since the last time I predicted that the Patriots would make the playoffs, they didn't, I will refrain from making any post-season predictions but here is who I would think would be looking forward to Draft Day 2009:

1. San Francisco
2. Miami
3. Kansas City
4. Cincinnati
5. Detroit

And because I really don't like the NY Jets at all (and I really don't have a reason why besides the Parcells defection which has long been reconciled and forgiven-- as a friend of mine says, "picking on the Jets is like picking on a retarded kid in school for being retarded. I mean, what fun is that?") here is a fun video of really bad NY Jets draft picks from years past. Even if you're not a football fan, you have to laugh at some of the comments. And if you're not a football fan, I'm truly sorry you read this far. What's the matter with you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98

Crap, I haven't learned how to embed videos yet. Well, click on the link for now.

Coming up in future blogs: rating the Sports Announcer Babes (you ladies may want to skip this one) and other useless pieces of information.

Mike

The grand Pinto...

Howdy campers,

So as I was showing some pictures of my recent journey to the vast open land of Wyoming and South Dakota to my parents and assorted other relatives, they chuckled as they saw me riding a horse for the first time. Most of the jokes were good-natured, making fun of the fact that the poor horse had to support the likes of me on its back, but since it was a white and brown speckled horse, I think my Dad made the comment, "that's the first time Mike has been on a pinto since we owned one."

At this very moment, I had this sinking feeling... he didn't mean the pinto as the horse, but rather as the dreaded Ford Pinto that my parents used to own when my sister and I were little.

For those of you under the age of 30 or who has parents who didn't take the approach of buying the biggest lemon that any car manufacturer ever made (the Chevy Vega is a close second), the Ford Pinto was the new "family" car of the 1970's that was marketed as a cheaper and gas-friendlier version of the station wagon. After I was born and my sister was on the way, my parents decided that it was time to get rid of their '66 Belair which they called the "green ghost" (no idea besides the fact that it was green) and instead get the Ford Pinto. The Pinto came in colors that were either Turd Brown, Pea Green, or Rust Beige. Of course, we got the Turd Brown one.

I will find an actual picture of the Pinto my parents owned, rust stains and all, but this is approximately what it looked like:

My memories of the Pinto included:

-- My parents decided to not get a radio for the car. To this day, I have no idea why. Knowing my dad, it was probably to save money. Plus, he had a cassette recorder and since we had a tape deck at home, he figured he could tape the radio and then play it. Or, he could tape some of the albums and play those as well. I wish I was making this up but one of the memories I have of the Pinto is sitting in those crazy beige bucket seats with this single speaker cassette player between my sister (who was around 2 yet not in a baby seat-- why bother since if anyone hit the Pinto it would blow up anyway) and I and we just stared at the tape going round. The good part about the cassette recorder is that we also had a blank cassette or two and the players also had a record feature, which my sister and I would then use to make fart noises and other fart-type sounds. The tape selection also included Paul McCartney's "Ram", which is a great album but hard to listen to if not in the back seat of a car, several Beatles albums, and what I think was Linda Rondstadt's greatest hits. I believe that was it. This paragraph alone-- since it it absolutely truly factual-- should then answer a lot of questions why I am as whacked as I am today.
-- My parents also decided that air conditioning was not an option. Not a big deal, since not a lot of '70s cars had this, but I forgot to mention that:
-- My parents also decided that this "family car" for their 2 kids was also a TWO DOOR car. So much for opening the window and letting some air circulate to the back.

I also remember that:

-- The directionals were large green triangles on the dashboard and were so loud, the sounds of them would be incorporated into the Beatles/Wings/Rondstadt music playing.
-- Our friends made fun of us being in a Pinto since it was apparently known as the car "that blows up if you hit it". I think it was the movie "Top Secret" that later would feature an army tank barely dinging the end of a Pinto and then showing both cars going up in flames.
-- My college roommate Kent had a Pinto in college which I think was dark blue and I think I was more amazed that they made Pintos in blue then the fact that it was 1990 and there was still a usuable Ford Pinto on the road.

The Pinto was the first in a long line of lemons that my parents would buy. They also owned a Chevy Chevette and a Dodge Omni. It was after the purchase of the Omni that I made a promise to myself to never ask my parents' assistance to ever buy a car.

At the end of our road was a service station and my dad would later say that in all seriousness, the owner of the service station thanked my dad for putting his kids through college.

That's all for now... I'm going to gallop on back to work.
Mike

Ironic State Sign

Living in a state that greets motorists by displaying a giant sign telling them they must "live free or die"--as if there was actually a discussion that needed to be made-- I thought that this sign pretty much takes the prize for Most Ironic State Sign", as taken during my recent trek to the middle of nowhere earlier this month.

Nebraska. (yawn). The Good Life (yawn... oh really? Go on).

(drum roll)

Home of Arbor Day.

Really??? See the picture for yourself... there were no trees for as far as the eyes could see.

So now I will petition New Hampshire to be the Home of Single Hot Chicks. It's pretty much the same analogy.

Guide to the Presidential Primaries

Now it's a Presidential showdown with John McCain vs Barack Obama for the right to lead this country out of the bushes (see? I told you I was witty, and punny too!).

I wrote this back when the primaries were in full effect and decided to post it again here for the hell of it. It's totally irrelevant now however I was DEAD ON when I wrote about John Edwards. Yeah me.

Enjoy and I promise I will not just recycle lousy old blogs from now on. I will write even lousier NEW blogs.

==================================

NH Primary Guide-- A must read for all Americans (and many illegal immigrants)

Hi my name is Mike, and I've approved this blog.

Living in the Granite State, aka New Hampshire, aka Vermont's "spooning partner", has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages include no state income tax, no sales tax, no thumb tacks (seriously-- Staples was sold out the other day), and a motto encouraging people to either "live free" or simply, "die". The disadvantages of living here besides the average winter temperature which appears to be measured in negative degrees kelvin (an inside joke to you scientists out there) is that since I am a New Hampshire resident, people assume that I drive a pick-up, wear a hat with ear flaps, drive a pick-up with a gun rack and negotiated a NASCAR number when I bought that truck. But even more, from around July to this Tuesday, the weather turns far windier as dozens of presidential hopefuls come into NH, kiss our babies, eat at our diners, and try and persuade all of us that they should be the next president of this grand country of ours.

The history of the New Hampshire Primary dates way back to colonial times when huddles of people gathered together on a cold wintry night and asked themselves, "why the hell do we live here?" While its neighbors are known as the Green Mountain State, Vacationland, and Taxachusetts, New Hampshire calls itself the "Granite State" after narrowing deciding that over the "Witness Program Relocation State". Vermont has its Phish, Ben & Jerry's and cheap pot, Maine has its lobsters and bad accents, and Massachusetts has bad drivers and Ted Kennedy. So these colonial people said "screw you Kennedy!" and decided to make the state the first state to vote for a president.

So I'm sure you're all curiously interested on who the heck these candidates are, who will win, what's going on in the Granite State, and more importantly, where the hell I've been with these crazy blogs/emails the last year or so. Well I'll answer the last one some other time, but here are the others:

Mike's Guide to the Presidential Primaries

I'll start off by explaining the two main parties, the Democrats and Republicans. What's the difference, you may ask? The answer is simple: Democrats are represented by an ass and Republicans have a elephant. So if you love peanuts, are afraid of mice, or love to smell things, the Republican party is the one for you. If you like horses or donkeys or like swearing, then you might want to consider Democrats. Because of these distinguishing features, most NH residents and Americans consider themselves "Independent". These same people are also solely responsible for telling people "I Don't Know" in most Yes/No poll questions.

Now since all you need is $1,000 and an OK from the Secretary of State in NH to be on the presidential ballot, there are a lot of candidates. Because of this, I'll weed out those with no chance to win and call this group "fucking pathetic losers".

So here are the rest of the pack:

Democrats: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson

Republicans: John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Fred Thompson, Ron Paul.

Let's start with the ass party.

Hillary Clinton: the former first lady is best known as being the woman who let her husband get "Presidential Head". Pros: KFC could market its Hillary Value Meal featuring "two large thighs, two small breasts, and a bunch of left wings". Cons: unlike her husband, if she had an extramarital affair in the White House, it would be considered absolutely disgusting. NH exposure: You cannot take a dump without seeing a Hillary for President sign. This is because of her best selling novelty item, "Hillary for President Toilet Paper". By the way, Chelsea's becoming pretty hot however when she doesn't smile, she appears as if she is trying to squeeze a fart.

Barack Obama: Not to be confused with Borat or Osama, Barack is the first minority candidate who's ever run and actually has a chance (sorry Jesse Jackson, but you never had a chance. Go back to work-- oh.). Pros: He has the coolest slogans: "Bros over Hoes", "Half Honkey, All Donkey" and not only promises change, but delivers, and I have proof. I pulled out a dollar bill and he gave me four quarters. He also is most like most Americans as he used to have a cocaine problem and does whatever Oprah says. Cons: I can only see a bunch of rednecks calling him "Obama bin Laden" and claiming to get "Barack Blocked" (note: Barack rhymes with "cock"). NH exposure: I had averaged two Obama pollsters a day and 2-3 leaflets in the mail until I put a McCain yard sign in my yard. Then I averaged about 4-5 leaflets a day. Oprah even showed up.

John Edwards: Is a young former trial lawyer with a southern drawl who made his claim to fame opposing Joe Pesci's character in "My Cousin Vinny". Pros: Smiles a lot. Cons: Was VP candidate with John Kerry in 2004 and appears to be hiding something. NH exposure: He is on a 24 hour final campaign beginning tonight up near the Canadian border and has a 2am and 4am rally in some towns best known for people who are hiding from someone. I wish I was making this up.

Bill Richardson: Governor of New Mexico (state motto: "Fuck the Old Mexico!") who claims to have Mexican blood and looks like Horatio Sanz from SNL yet has a British royalty last name. Pros: Made getting to the bottom of those annoying Burger King commercials where they claim to get rid of the Whopper one of his top priorities. Like most Americans, is borderline morbidly obese. Cons: The pictures of him on his campaign leaflets are so airbrushed, he looks more like the star of a Lifetime movie special than a president. NH exposure: Not surprisingly, his stops the last few days include two restaurants, a Dunkin Donuts and corner deli. Has a lot of signs by the side of the road, especially near restaurants, Dunkin Donuts' and delis.

Now the elephants:

John McCain: Noble veteran who was a POW for almost a year and served our country well until he caved in and became a congressman. Pro: Was voted "Most Likely to Have a Last Name Like a President or Robert Ludlum Book" several elections in a row. Cons: If you look up charisma in the dictionary, not only would you not see McCain's picture there, but you'd see a note from the people at Websters asking you why you are looking for a picture in a dictionary to begin with. NH exposure: Has a bus called the "Straight Talk Express". Has fewer very large signs.

Mitt Romney: Ex-Governor of Massachusetts who made billions running a business, the Olympics, and an actual state. Is a squeaky clean Mormon with perfect teeth. Pros: You just know there's a dark side of him, like he'll be exposed having several more lives and a creative consultant to the HBO show "Big Love" which would provide for four years of good gossip. Wife's not bad looking too. Cons: Basically the family is the Osmonds without the teeth. NH exposure: My maternal grandmother, God rest her soul, used to call people like Romney "dog shit-- he's everywhere". I never understood that expression however I think you get the point.

Rudy Giuliani: Was mayor of NYC for the '90's until the end of 2001. Has a funny lisp. Pros: Was in charge of NYC during 9/11 and mentions this in every debate over and over. Cons: Does not mention where he was on 9/10. Yankees fan. Dumped wife for dumpier woman. Tries to take away Hillary's claim to be the only woman candidate by dressing provocatively "on the weekends". NH exposure: Rudy who?

Mike Huckabee: Very conservative Governor of Arkansas who is buddies with Chuck Norris and makes Pat Robertson look "sexually adventurous". Pros: Can have a fun campaign called "I Heart Huckabee". Chuck Norris's wife always appears at his speaking events and is hot. Cons: He looks like the wimpy President Logan from "24". NH exposure: non-existent until he won Iowa. Now he plays bass at various grammar school gymnasiums delighting thousands of band geeks.

Fred Thompson: Used to be a Senator as well as an actor on "Law and Order". Pros: Wife EXTREMELY hot. Has F-U money. Cool name. Cons: If he is president anywhere close to how he or any of his ex co-stars act on "Law and Order", we are in a boatload of trouble. NH exposure: Fred Thompson has never been to NH. The man you see at debates was Ray Romano's dad on "Everyone Loves Raymond". Oh, he's dead? No one noticed.

Ron Paul: The "Steve Garvey" of doctors, he delivered something like 5000 kids as a physician. Pros: Has an enormous following and wants to abolish the IRS. Cons: at his campaign rallies, he hands out cups of kool-aid and tells people to wait for the comet to arrive. NH exposure: Relentless. Planes fly overhead with Ron Paul banners. Dozens of people are EVERYWHERE in downtown Manchester with Ron Paul signs handing out copies of the Constitution. You cannot see part of NH without seeing a Ron Paul sign.

So now how do you choose? Well, here is...

Mike's Guide to Voting

1. Ignore all yard signs. I made the mistake of deciding on looking at who had the most yard signs in 2004 and voting for that candidate. I ended up writing in "Coldwell Banker" and then buying a house.

2. (Men only) Candidates with hot daughters (Bush twins) or wives (Fred Thompson, Dennis Kuchinich) are not worth it. Either way, you'll see them on TMZ soon enough.

3. If you live in a useless state without a meaningful primary, then pretend to have a conversation with one of the candidates you think you'd like and imagine his/her response. Something like this:

You: "So [candidate], I'm very concerned about the environment/Iraq/health care/sea turtles/toothpaste addiction/the price of tea in China. What are you going to do to improve our [one of the above]?"
Candidate: "Nothing."
You: "Nothing?"
Candidate: "That's right. Congress makes laws. I pretty much live in a white house, show up at various events, golf, pay the occasional visit to a backwards country, and enjoy the biggest perk of this job: no traffic, ever. I'm essentially just here for the free food, much like yourself at your job."
You: "Well, I don't know, I mean, I--"
Candidate: "By the way, this is my [hot wife/hot daughter(s)]. Can I have your vote?"
You: "ABSOLUTELY!"

4. Don't pick anyone with a funny name or someone that a newspaper can make a funny caricature about.

5. Say each candidate's last name and then "President" before it. Then say your own name and "President" before it. Pretty cool, huh? This really is just for fun.

6. Realize that no matter who you vote for, whoever wins American Idol will have more votes and more fans.

OK I've rambled on long enough. I will be on Fox 25 tomorrow morning (Tuesday) after getting interviewed at the Red Arrow Diner while having lunch today (seriously). I won't disclose what I will say but let's just say that those crazy Fox people will take their best reporters off the latest fire that they seem to love to show up to broadcast and begin a new expose: "Primary '08: Hot Wives and Daughters, A Closer View".

Cheers and God bless America!

Mike

Another "nhrobo"?

I just created this blog and realized that "nhrobo", which is my gmail address, is not available. So now I'm wondering to myself, "is there another 'nhrobo' around here, and if so, does this person have a blog?

I pondered this dreadful question for about a minute before realizing that with the wonders of the internet, lo and behold I could type in the URL and see for myself. So I did.

What I saw... well, I'm not sure what to make out of it. Turns out it's a blog for a company enlisting all sorts of underage Asian kids to make robots. At least that's what I surmised from the pictures as I didn't read anything (read? who reads?!).

Enjoy for yourself... http://nhrobo.blogspot.com/

The world of blogging...

Howdy folks,

Like Al Gore inventing the Internet and an anonymous person inventing the first hand grenade (think about it), I started sending out random emails to people over the Internet in, oh, 1978. Ok perhaps my dates are wrong, but it was at LEAST way back in the roaring nineties, so that would make me one of the first and original "bloggers".

However since many of my hair-brained schemes, like the drink container option on the top of cars and the "fart setting" in a car that puts the windows down in a car to let the fart escape and not come back into your face, they never really pan out, so it appears that I missed out on becoming a paper millionaire again and trademarking/patenting/gloating about "blogging".

So... I will join the herd and flow down the field. I'll be posting some old, some new, some borrowed, some blue "blogs" of mine from over the years as well as putting some great and fancy new diatribes up here when inspiration strikes me. It used to strike me in the face quite hard but lately with a nutty work schedule and something called a "life" (my doctor says this is a temporary condition and I should be back to normal in no time), it's a little more infrequent. Still, enjoy, and if not, at least look busy reading.

-- Mike