From running to re-running...

Hi everyone,

Well now that the marathon is over and my sanity-- not to mention my pre-marathon "physique"-- has been restored, I decided to dust off the ol' keyboard and think about writing something, preferably enjoyable to read.

Boston sports has been on my mind lately and I thought I would write about the unique position that Boston is in right now with both the Celtics and Bruins going (for now) deep in the playoffs and about the Red Sox, well, playing. Having gone to the Red Sox earlier this week and the Celtics/Bruins earlier, I had made several observations about the various sports fans that attend these events. Making some mental notes, I thought "hey this might be fun to write about". Then I realized... I did this already and wrote about it several years ago. After re-reading it, I found that I only wrote about the hockey/basketball crowds so I then thought: why not take after the music, movie and television industries and just dust off what once was a good idea or thought and re-make it. Even more, I will write about my Red Sox fans observations separately in a new upcoming thread (ah, the promise of fresh material). And thus, I conform to these industries and bring you the 2010 version of the 2002 blog post of:


Mike's Guide to Basketball/Hockey Sports Fans

Sports fans, you say? Yep. No puck or hoop talk here. No mention of a single player, at least in a positive tone. Whether you're an active or passive sports fan or not a sports fan at all, chances are that you will someday soon attend a professional sporting event.

There are many reasons not to go. The cost of a ticket is ridiculous in most cases. Getting to the arena may not be the most convenient, especially here in Boston. Or you may simply not be a fan. Let me start by saying that the fans themselves can add HOURS of FUN to attending a sporting event and this guide-- free of charge-- will tell you how. NBA Fever... Catch it!

Simply print this out and bring it to your next sports game. Of course if you do so, you will be ridiculed, but just make sure my name is not on this. I have chosen to exclude writing about football since it's out of season (and you got my note about baseball already):

Earlier this year, Kristin and I went to the Celtics game. Before I begin writing, I want to say that there is one golden rule that you MUST follow when someone tells you that they have Celtics tickets to LA (Los Angeles): clarify if they mean the LA LAKERS or the LA CLIPPERS. Big difference. Neglecting to do this, we enjoyed seeing the mighty Clippers in action and this one was viewed from up in the balcony where I knew the true fans would hang out. Don't misunderstand me here, I don't like poking fun at people as a hobby, and most of the fans who attend sporting events, like families, moms/dads taking their kids to the game, youth groups, and sports fan couples, are very good people. But there are those that make the experience a little more enjoyable at their own expense. So here goes... see how many of these fans you can spot next time you get dragged to one of these games or willingly go to:

1. "I'm Here For the Beer". There is no question about this fan. These fans are found only in the upper 5 rows of the balcony or in the row that is above where a price change takes effect (money saved thus being spent on beer). This fan is usually inebriated before coming to the game, wisely choosing to be frugal and load up on $2 16oz Pabst at a nearby bar. The IHFTB fan always has both hands with beer in hand unless they are either giving the finger, holding their hands to yell at the opposing team, or doing both. IHFTB fan only is there from after 6 minutes after the game begins to shortly after the last period of regulation begins. Attire includes either a hometeam knockoff uniform, face paint (rare in hockey), backwards hats for guys, or college sweats. The older you find the fan, the more points you get. Most are men but at hockey games, you will find those "huge" hockey fans (literally).

2. "Aspiring Stand-up Guy". Almost always, this is a man and not a woman unless you are in Canada. This guy is in his late 20's-early 30's and no doubt has a ticket purchased from Ticketmaster in his pocket, i.e. no way a season ticket holder. He's the guy that yells out things to try and be funny, such as "Connor Henry is not walking through that door! Carlos Clark is not walking through that door!" at Celtics games or "Welcome to the 'House That DeClerc Built'". In other words, esoteric remarks that are largely unfunny except to him. The target audience is usually the mid 30's season ticket holder, which tells you how rarely anyone laughs. Yes, I have been this guy.

2. "Concession Obsession". This is the fan who you
want to start betting with your friends how many times
he/she will once again come up the aisle from the
concession stand with food/beer/drink. After 5 times,
you begin to establish an over/under for the rest of
the quarter or game. This is the fan that keeps the
arena in business, somehow justifying that paying $10
for a pretzel and beer is not a bad deal... over and
over again. You will usually not find this fan dressed
in any sports attire as he/she will have no idea where
they are or why they are there. Careful now, since you
can get confused between this fan and the...

3. "Bringing the Non-Sports Fan Girlfriend to the Game
Guy". It's always fun to sport who these guys are.
They always want to yell out something at a player but
boil with self-restraint since their girl is right
there. And the girl always has something from the "Fan
Zone" like a teddy bear or one of those giant "We're
#1" foam fingers. A dead giveaway of spotting this fan
is a Fan Zone bag under the chair, but those aren't
always easy to spot. These fans are very common in the
better sections of the arena, where either he or she's
company has a pair of season tickets. They are usually
dressed very nice and the girl constantly watches the
jumbotron for everything, even though the seats are
great to bring the game. "Hey look, the jumbotron says
to 'make noise'... WHOO!" Man buries head. High
comedy.

4. "JumboFan". This fan doesn't even know where they
are, but they are constantly watching the jumbotron,
and more importantly, the camera people during
time-outs to see if they are pointing to their
section. For those of you who are unaware what a
"jumbotron" is, it is the large 4-sided television
screen in the middle of the arena that basically
controls the minds of all fans by telling it to "make
noise", scream "DE-fense", and asking trivia questions
between periods. If the jumbotron displayed "you're an
idiot", 16,000 fans would start crying. You cannot
underestimate the power of the jumbotron (except for
Old Time Fan, who I will define later). These yahoos
stand up when the disco or techno music starts playing
and the jumbotron pans the crowd for waving or dancing
fans. Here's a clue if you want to become a JumboFan: (a)
bring a small child wearing home team merchandise and
make them dance; (b) if you're a lady, shake the
goods; (c) if you're a guy, dance like an idiot; (d)
sit in a very expensive seat like the front 3 rows; or
(e) scam your way into one of those community group
sections. If you're in none of these categories, don't
waste your time.

5. "CellFan". Somehow, modern electronics permits
cellular signals to travel through tons of concrete in
sports arenas, therefore making the annoying
constantly-on-cellphone people right at home. The
CellFans are usually those who stand up, cell phone in
hand to ear, and wave. Very common at the beginning of
the game for those in the good seats, so they can show
the other people they are calling how good their seats
are, and very common towards the end of the game for
those in the not-so-good seats to see if the people in
the good seats they are calling have a vacant seat
nearby. The CellFans can also be spotted at the
entrance to the stairways on their phone, trying to
watch the game. If you don't give CellFan a dirty
look, you aren't truly living the experience.

6. "So Do We Have A Deal, Fan?" These are the guys and
girls in professional business attire in the premium
seats, i.e. the "dealmakers with the company seats"
who are surrounding the person in the polo shirt and
khaki pants, i.e. the "client". You will only find
these fans in the premium seats or loge seats. A clue
to spot them is to find the person in the business
suit constantly walking down the aisle with a
carry-tray of beer. These are not IHFTB fans since
they are trying to liquor up the client and not
themselves. These fans always have one person along
the ride who is not there to make deals, but instead
talk sports in case their client happens to be a huge
fan. I was this guy too.

7. "Old Time Fan". These fans take nothing from no
one. They have sat in those seats for over 20 years
and are wearing apparel that is no longer made, like
those 80's style Celtics jackets or a Peter McNab
hockey sweater. They never leave their seats and
detest the jumbotrons. They only leave their seats if
they have to get up and go to the restroom or if it's
between periods so they can avoid those college
interns slingshooting t-shirts into the stands. And
between periods, they will congregate together,
smoking cigarettes or cigars undeneath the no-smoking
signs. A rarity in this day and age. If you sit next
to them, they will complain how awful the game has
become and how players either played harder 20+ years
ago or how sad it was that the game had changed. Old
Time Fans are only found at events featuring teams
that are more than 25 years old so don't bother going
to a Minnesota Wild/Columbus Blue Jackets game looking
for these fans.

8. "Stairmasters". These are the fans who do nothing
but walk up and down the stairs to and from their seat
to the area below. They don't come back with any food
or drink (those are the "Runners", which I won't
explain in detail since they are simply "Stairmasters"
that DO come back with something) and usually travel
in twos or threes. If you have a seat near an aisle,
they are very annoying, otherwise you won't really
notice them at all. Usually they are women who are
reasonably attractive who are trying to get attention.
More common in the balconies. Naturally, Stairmasters
don't bother me one bit.

9. "Mullets" (Hockey only). Ah, the mullet. The Hockey
Helmet. The Tennessee Waterfall. The Canadian
Passport. I think everyone knows what a mullet is but those of you who don't know (since you probably have one and are living in denial if so), mullets are
those pieces of long hair on the back of one's neck
while the rest of the haircut is fairly normal, or
feathered with part in the middle (check out
www.mulletsgalore.com for a more detailed
explanation). Mullets were popular in the late 1980's
and early 1990's when Satan, aka Billy Ray Cyrus, came
out with the Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet was
reborn. Hockey players, for some weird reason, also
grew mullets, and thus so did their fans. Fortunately,
civilization has come back to this century and now
mullets are usually a rarity, which makes spotting a
Mullet fan even more unique. The most popular hockey
player with a mullet had to be Jaromir Jagr when he
was in Pittsburgh, or anyone who was from Canada,
where mullets are still pretty cool, because, well,
it's Canada. I had heard that people who live in
trailers have mullets for the simple reason that they
don't have wall mirrors in the trailer and I believe
that to be the case. Good luck finding the Mullet
fans, they are becoming very rare in the States
besides the Nashville Predators games.

Well hopefully this makes your next sporting event
more enjoyable. Here's nine various fans you can look
for and feel free to make a checklist out to see how
many you can spot. Please make sure to do so since I
have another email out to the people who are these
fans telling to try and find those people who have a
checklist looking around at all sorts of people.

And yes, I will write about Red Sox fans next... those of you with pink hats beware. And those of you with pink hats who are men, well...

Mike
Mike