Reality TV? How TV Ruined Reality

Most of us are dissatisfied with customer service from just about all organizations, especially when it comes to making phone calls to toll-free numbers and staying on hold with someone who doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on, or even worse, understand the language you’re speaking. The reason for this is because of shows like “24” and “Criminal Minds” that get things that would normally take an extraordinary amount of time done in about 15 seconds, and even get a “thank you” from the person who does this.

For example, here’s some sample dialogue I made up from a typical “Criminal Minds”:

Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
(calling Penelope): Hey there sweet cheeks.
Derek: Hey girlfriend. I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: (after about 5 seconds): I’ve limited the search down to 5 men.
Derek: Any of them have red hair?
Penelope: Red hair… (3 seconds later): check! Here’s your guy.
Derek: Nice! Can you send that—
Penelope: -- picture of him to your phone? (insert noise of a single button) check it now
Derek’s phone: BEEP
Penelope: Voila!
Derek: You’re the best!
Penelope: (blushing) I thought you were (insert casual flirt).

The entire transaction above takes about 35 seconds and yes this time does include the flirt and Penelope’s false hope that Derek is actually into her.

Now, here’s how it would work in a typical company using the same scenario and people:

Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
Derek: Penelope’s on PTO. Plus she only works 7-4 due to the flex hours.
Hotch: Well call her backup. We need this ASAP!
Derek: I think I have her direct line #. I can’t stand that toll-free prompt.
(calling Penelope): Hi, is Penelope there?
Penelope: I’m here! Who did you think it was?
Derek: Oh I thought you were on PTO.
Penelope: No, I stash all of my PTO away for the end of the year. What’s up?
Derek: I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: Ok hold on, I have to log into a few systems to look up both the white males and also those who vacationed in Iowa. The systems don’t talk to each other.
Derek: Penelope, I need this quickly.
Penelope: I can request an expedite for this but I have to know if you’ll accept any charges that may apply for this expedite.
Derek: Charges?
Penelope: Yes, there may be up to a $100 expedite fee along with the $25 request fee.
Derek: Sure! Anything. I just need it. It’s a life or death situation.
Penelope: Ok, I’m just creating the ticket now and after I fill out the form and attach it to the request, I’ll send this off to my manager to approve.
Derek: Can’t you just pull this information?
Penelope: Well, yes and no. Since it’s an expedite I need my manager to approve this.
Derek: Are you serious?
Penelope: Quite. Oh! Good news. He just emailed me back approved. And here you go—87324A3
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s the order #... sort of.
Derek: Sort of?
Penelope: Well, it’s the order # for the first system. Then someone takes this and puts it into our second system.
Derek: Um… yeah… well I need this moved to the top of your pile.
Penelope: Well all requests are done in the order they’re received. This IS an expedite so it’s only fourth in line behind the other expedites I have.
Derek: Fourth? All this to find a white man in their 40’s who has a daugh—
Penelope: Uh oh.
Derek: Uh oh, what?
Penelope: I fat fingered the age. I requested a white man in their 50s.
Derek: So? Change it!
Penelope: Well I will change it but that means I have to ‘supp the entire order.
Derek: How long is that going to take? Just change the age!
Penelope: Well I can’t just *change* the age. I have to email the person who now owns this task to reject this back to me so I can change the order.
Derek: I can’t wait for this. I need this info now.
Penelope: Tell you what I’ll do—I create a brand new order, which might be quicker than changing the original document, and then call in a favor with the person who owns the second task on this query. Then I’ll cancel the original order.
Derek: How long will that take?
Penelope: Hold on. (putting on hold for about 2 minutes)
Penelope: Ok I’m back!
Derek: And?
Penelope: Good news. 4525A34!! Yeah!!
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s your order #!
Derek: Order #?
Penelope: Yes, but that’s the REAL order #, the order in the second system. So now someone will begin to work this!
Derek: How long are we looking here, Penelope? This unsub could be all the way across the state in 30 minutes. We can’t afford to lose more time.
Penelope: Derek, your business is very important to us. Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll waive the $25 transaction fee.
Derek: I DON’T CARE about the fee!! I just need the unsub’s name!
Penelope: Oh dear.
Derek: Oh dear WHAT? What is going on there?
Penelope: It got rejected.
Derek: WHY?!!
Penelope: I requested what you wanted, a white male in their 40’s with a daughter who might have attended Catholic school and might also have a limp. But I can’t request this all at once. After the white males in their 40’s come back I have to resubmit asking for those who have a daughter, then the Catholic school, and then the limp. Oh crap. And then the vacationing in Iowa. Who vacations in Iowa anyway? Do you want me to query California or Florida instead?
Derek: (stunned silence)
Penelope: Sweetcheeks?
Derek: Don’t call me that.
Penelope: I’m sorry. Let me call you back in 30 minutes. I might be able to pull a favor or two.
30 minutes later…
(phone rings) Derek: Hello?
(automated recording): Hello! This is the CIA calling. When [Derek Morgan] is on the line, please press #.
Derek: #
Penelope: Hi! Good news. I got something.
Derek (sounding defeated): Not that it matters at this point, but what do you got?
Penelope: Well I got all but the “limp” part back. It narrowed it down to 55 people.
Derek: 55? Those with a limp have to have far less of a number.
Penelope: I know. Do you have any other criteria? I don’t want to have to ‘supp the entire order but—
Derek—NO! Don’t do that. Just give me what you have and yes I do have another criteria—red hair. Filter out those who only have red hair.
Penelope: Well, we don’t do any vanity requests—let me check my process document—no, we don’t. But I do see some with red hair.
Derek: Well send me what you got.
Penelope: OH!!
Derek: Oh?
Penelope: I got it! I got it! Check your email.
Derek: I didn’t get anything.
Penelope: You didn’t? I sent it to—oh. I sent it to Hotch. He’s the authorized person on this account.
Derek: Penelope, you know me. Just forward me what you sent to him.
Penelope: Well, since I know who you are, I’ll send the picture over to you. Now. Check your email.
Derek: Got it.
(stunned silence)
Derek: Penelope?
Penelope: Yes?
Derek: Penelope, this is a picture of Ronald McDonald.
Penelope: Which reminds me… time for lunch!