So after not writing anything for a number of years, at least in this format, lo and behold I'm like a crazy '80s DJ here with a "two-for". And all for the same price as one!
I hope all of my American friends, which I think means 99.9% of my friends that I have, had an enjoyable and fun Independence Day weekend. And to everyone else, I at least hope your July 4th was, well, warm.
Like most Americans, I spent this recent Independence Day weekend doing what we Americans like myself do best during Independence Day Weekend:
1. We look at fireworks.
I love fireworks. They explode. They're loud. They are colorful. Katy Perry thinks we might be one. They are not people talking to you or asking you how you are doing. Instead they make noise and then they're gone. You wonder how the person who made the firework, most likely Chinese (oh the irony!) fit all of that color and explosive goodness into that little cylinder. Then you realize, who cares, look! Fireworks! Screw the Chinese!*
Of course I have my favorite and least favorite thing about fireworks. My favorite is, of course, the grand finale. We all know when the grand finale begins. The people organizing the fireworks, otherwise known as the "people more than likely to also be a Mall Santa come Christmas time" usually just send up a few random duds, like those single colored ones that don't go that high and don't make enough noise. But then...
WHAM.
Those white ones that explode and illuminate the air go off and you know they mean business. Rapid fire fireworks go off at a crazy pace and the oohs and ahhs fill the crowd. You don't know where to look. Multi-colored ones! Those loud bright white ones again! All at the same time! And then...
WHAM.
It's over.
A few cheers, some polite applause, even a "USA! USA!" chant perhaps, and then nothing besides the toxic smoke from the Chinese sweathouses permeate the air. And it's one of the few things where you can leave totally satisfied, having your fill of fireworks for a while, which lead me to my least favorite things about 4th of July fireworks.
First, it's the hero neighbor/random drunk guy who thought they would singlehandedly save Independence Day by immediately firing off their own lousy cheap fireworks in their yard. Dude, we just saw a five-figure 10-15 minute fireworks show and your single snappers are going to keep the party going? It's sort of like catching an NIT semi-final game as the NCAA Final Four just ended.
And last, and one of my huge pet peeves: people, who instead of gazing in wonder at the awesomeness that are fireworks exploding in the air, instead take out their phones or cameras and think that the world absolutely cannot be looking at fireworks-- I mean, what are the odds at 8pm on the Fourth of July-- so they can either share them on social media or, even worse, take pictures so they keep them and view them later. "Oh glad you came over, here let me get out my photo books so I can show you fireworks from 2005. That was a dandy year. Here are the oval red ones with the exploding thing in the middle... hmm, little blurry there, probably because my camera flash that went off goes a maximum distance of 12 feet, and then whoa, here's the beginning of the grand finale...". Calgon, take me away!
Anyone have any Calgon? Rhetorical question there, because they went out of business in the 80's. And that is the only ancient Chinese secret I want to know regarding fireworks.
*"Screw the Chinese" was written with peace and love, much like Monty Python's song "I Like Chinese". Or something like that. I tried to make up for it with the Calgon reference but am afraid I not only made it worse, but severely dated myself.
2. We drink beer, more than likely American made beer.
My wife and I spent the weekend in Vermont (unofficial state motto: "Vermont... We Reluctantly Have Been Spooning With New Hampshire for Millions of Years") and Vermont is apparently known for more than just green trees, green people, green mountain coffee, Mr. Green Jeans, and green... well, you know. Vermont has quite a formidable microbrew presence and we had a few samplings of beer at many of the local breweries. My personal favorite was an IPA that was called-- no joke-- "Dude, Are You OK?" for its 9.1% content.
We felt more American knowing that it was made in America, and by locally owned breweries rather than the big beer conglomerates. Well that, plus they only served that beer at these breweries, so our choices were limited. Still, you can paint my liver red, white and brew. And green, I suppose.
3. We eat American food, like hamburgers, bacon, random farm animal products, and then drink more American made beer.
Because you can't make friends with salad.
My wife is a vegetarian and I am not and we have both agreed to co-exist by agreeing that, if offered meat to eat, I will probably say yes while she will decline and the world will continue to spin and fireworks will continue to detonate.
I've had $100 steaks in some of the finest steakhouses in the country served with a fine horseradish sauce or au jus, tenderized to the point where you can basically cut it with a fork and if given the choice between that fine cut of filet mignon or a juicy ground beer hamburger with a slab of cheese, a little lettuce and onion, and a fresh roll, you can bet your box of Calgon that... well hmm, I am going with that filet mignon. I mean, who's kidding who here. But at a BBQ they often don't have au jus sauce (at least not with the juice reduction the way I like it), so fire up a burger and I'm as happy as a grand finale firework!
4. We pretend to watch things like the Women's World Cup when in reality we probably streamed "Joe Dirt 2" on our iPad.
I tweeted out "Way to go #WomensUSA soccer!! USA! USA!" and made a Facebook post about how the USA is the best country in the world AND we won a soccer game.
I watched exactly zero minutes of the seemingly infinite minutes that are in a soccer game.
I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't like soccer. I have nothing against those who do. It has nothing to do with it being the women's game-- in fact, I would have watched this *because* it was the women playing but in all honesty, I forgot it was on until I went to do my fantasy baseball transactions that were due at 10pm and the score scrolled as "breaking news". It's sort of like listening to NPR. We'll put the bumper stickers on the back of the car but no one outside of prison walls or a DNC convention listens to NPR, and those that do, won't be reading something as "gauche"as a "blog" so I don't care about pissing those people off.**
** Ok I probably alienated many people with my comments about soccer here. Quick: who won the Women's World Cup before this one? Exactly.
5. We write redundant sentences with repetitive bad use of participles.
See "the beginning of this long rant".
Well I think that's enough for one night although you could argue that I am 2 for 4 years but batting .500 gets me into the hall of fame, unless there's extra minutes of the soccer game and then...
WHAM
Monday, July 6, 2015
I had the funniest dream...
So it appears that, in the writing world, I went to sleep a few years ago and then BOOM... woke up.
Or did I?
Some say that a dream is often some repressed emotions or observations of the day that come to "life" during sleep to make the subconscious more aware. Others say that dreams are often fantasies or yearnings for something that you can't get in your life so your brain makes them happen in a calmer state of rest.
I say that dreams are the brain's way of making you happy, or at least occupied, during the 4-8 (or more or less) hours that you basically do nothing. I mean, can you imagine staring at a wall for hours with zero to look at or listen to? Well you'd probably fall asleep thus killing my point here, but alas...
So during my "sleep", I felt like I had less to write about and even less time to write it. I found myself consumed in work and "life" and writing some fun ditties felt like it wasn't a huge priority. The social media world also didn't make things easier. It seems that more and more people want to read something in 140 characters or less or in a status update that, if the first few words seem funny or interested but it's-- gasp-- more than a few lines (the horror!) people just click the Like button and move on.
I write just for myself and if I can make someone think or laugh, hey, good for me (I guess) and if I don't feel like it, then BOOM... back to sleep. But after a few years of mind-numbing, albeit quite profitable, work consisting of talking tech and explaining and then re-explaining concepts over and over again, I felt this shaking of my body in my proverbial bed.
So I have a bunch of things dancin' 'round my head, with plenty of unnecessarily abbreviated words like that, and now plan to put pen to paper-- er, fingers to keyboard.
Wake up, Mike.
Wake UP.
Mike?
Oh hi.
You know, I had the funniest dream...
Or did I?
Some say that a dream is often some repressed emotions or observations of the day that come to "life" during sleep to make the subconscious more aware. Others say that dreams are often fantasies or yearnings for something that you can't get in your life so your brain makes them happen in a calmer state of rest.
I say that dreams are the brain's way of making you happy, or at least occupied, during the 4-8 (or more or less) hours that you basically do nothing. I mean, can you imagine staring at a wall for hours with zero to look at or listen to? Well you'd probably fall asleep thus killing my point here, but alas...
So during my "sleep", I felt like I had less to write about and even less time to write it. I found myself consumed in work and "life" and writing some fun ditties felt like it wasn't a huge priority. The social media world also didn't make things easier. It seems that more and more people want to read something in 140 characters or less or in a status update that, if the first few words seem funny or interested but it's-- gasp-- more than a few lines (the horror!) people just click the Like button and move on.
I write just for myself and if I can make someone think or laugh, hey, good for me (I guess) and if I don't feel like it, then BOOM... back to sleep. But after a few years of mind-numbing, albeit quite profitable, work consisting of talking tech and explaining and then re-explaining concepts over and over again, I felt this shaking of my body in my proverbial bed.
So I have a bunch of things dancin' 'round my head, with plenty of unnecessarily abbreviated words like that, and now plan to put pen to paper-- er, fingers to keyboard.
Wake up, Mike.
Wake UP.
Mike?
Oh hi.
You know, I had the funniest dream...
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Easter, and a word from our sponsors...
Hi all,
Hey, remember back in February when I said that I felt more creative and that I'd be writing more and more like I used to?
Do you?
Yeah?
Well...
Anyway, I think I meant to say that I'd write when I felt like it, and honestly I hadn't felt like it all that much lately. I blame it on a variety of things but the single biggest reason is a condition called Dontwanttowriteitis. It comes and goes, much like your attention span to this point.
But I did feel like writing a little and so here I am, fingers at keyboard, with a thought that's been kicking around since last Sunday, which in the Christian faith is known as "Palm Sunday". Quite frankly I have no idea why it's called Palm Sunday nor do I really feel like looking it up, but Palm Sunday kicks off an ENTIRE week or so of various labeled days which ends with Easter Sunday, which happens to be tomorrow. Yesterday was Good Friday and the day before that was, for reasons still uncertain, "Holy Thursday", and while I'm no theologian I would bet that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday had some sort of "Holy" attached to it.
But what about today? I mean, yesterday (Good Friday) was a huge day in the Christian religion as Jesus died for us, and Easter only trumps that because he rose from the dead which hasn't happened besides the 2004 Red Sox in the ALCS. So what's today?
Well since I'd rather have you read what I think rather than just google it yourself, read on and imagine the following...
What would Easter be like if the same media coverage/social media coverage were around at the time of Jesus' death?
Wait! Don't answer this yourself. For your convenience and amusement I decided to write this out for you. I mean, you're still here, so go with it.
....
(booming announcer voice): "And now live, from Israel, WWJD-TV presents the pre-game Easter show. Live from the summit, is our host, Moses."
Thank you and hello everyone, welcome to Easter 2012 in which appears to be probably the most incredible miracle by the Lord our savior. I'm Moses, and you may remember me from the whole Ten Commandments thingie and parting the sea, the burning bush, etc., etc., and joining me today on this Media Day of coverage I have one of the disciples which will join us in studio to talk about tomorrow's probable resurrection along with a surprise guest who was there during the sentencing. Also joining me is Mary Magdaeline who is live via remote from the gravesite and next to me in studio, for no reason at all, Mel Kiper Jr.
Mel: It's great to be here Moses and I'm excited to present my in-depth analysis of the various sinners and saints as well as the odds of tomorrow's miracle. Now I may be wrong but it's not a slam dunk about tomorrow, Moses. I think you could see nothing happen. My sources tell me that the tomb is extremely secure.
Moses: Well that's why we have you here, Mel, because if you DID predict something to happen, it most likely wouldn't. Well, for that reason and, of course, the hair.
Mel: Yeah the sand out here isn't doing my hair any favors.
Moses: Anyway, before we come to our first guest let's go down live to the gravesite to Mary Magdaline who has been standing vigil for the last day or so outside of the tomb.
Mary: Thank you Moses and as you might expect the crowd is filled with around an equal mix of followers and dissenters, and asking the crowd about what will happen tomorrow, it's pretty much split down the middle. But WWJD has exclusive rights to the area right outside of the tomb entrance and I will be here until later when it seems that every year I get curious enough to take a look inside and see what's going on. Tonight at midnight we will also be answering questions on our Facebook page and via Twitter. You just never do know, Moses.
Moses: Well after 2000 years I think we DO have an idea, but to join us now for some personal thoughts on this I want to welcome Simon Peter, one of his disciples, and also King Herod who was there when the masses decided to allow him to die. Gentlemen, thanks for joining us in studio today.
Simon Peter: Thanks, Moses.
Herod: I appreciate the invite, Moses.
Moses: First, to Simon Peter. Or is it Peter?
Simon Peter: Peter is fine, thanks. Never understood the two first names. But my twitter handle is #therealsimonpeter just to clarify.
Moses: Ok Peter, well you had dinner with Jesus earlier this week. Can you describe a little about His spirits and what His mood was and also what He said might happen tomorrow?
SP: Well the dinner itself was really uneventful from a food perspective-- I mean, fish, bread and wine yet again, I mean, c'mon-- but Jesus's mood was a little stranger than usual. He told us I'd betray him three times and I thought He was crazy, but wham, there I go. He nailed it yet again.
Moses: I see, and did he happen to mention what would happen over this weekend at all to you?
SP: Well the writing was on the wall and we weren't surprised when it actually happened but still, every year there's both a sadness but also an overwhelming sense of euphoria.
Moses: Now Herod, you were in charge when His fate was decided. Did you expect to have this sort of a black mark on your name all of these years?
KH: Well Moses, I'll be frank: I left it up to the people to decide. And they spoke, I let it happen, and well, here I am.
Moses: But you don't think you could have done more?
KH: You know, being called "King" isn't all that it's cracked up to be, you know? It happened, it's over, and we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Moses: I don't mean to interrupt but we do have breaking news coming from the tomb. Let's go back down to Mary Magdaline, live.
MM: Well Moses, I just went into the tomb and the body is indeed gone. The body is not here. No one saw anyone leave and the crew from the blimp above captured nothing whatsoever. It is truly a miracle.
Moses: And that's going to wrap up our Easter Pre-Day Special, sponsored by Morton's Seafood. Please come back and join us live tomorrow morning when we will be broadcasting live from the temple, besides in Greece when coverage will be broadcast a week later. Thanks for watching WWJD.
(announcer voice): This live coverage brought to you by Honeybaked Ham, for a true Easter dinner experience; by Gallo Wines, when you're looking for the perfect wine to be the blood of the everlasting covenant; and by Dunkin' Donuts, because everything has to be sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts in one way or another.
Hey, remember back in February when I said that I felt more creative and that I'd be writing more and more like I used to?
Do you?
Yeah?
Well...
Anyway, I think I meant to say that I'd write when I felt like it, and honestly I hadn't felt like it all that much lately. I blame it on a variety of things but the single biggest reason is a condition called Dontwanttowriteitis. It comes and goes, much like your attention span to this point.
But I did feel like writing a little and so here I am, fingers at keyboard, with a thought that's been kicking around since last Sunday, which in the Christian faith is known as "Palm Sunday". Quite frankly I have no idea why it's called Palm Sunday nor do I really feel like looking it up, but Palm Sunday kicks off an ENTIRE week or so of various labeled days which ends with Easter Sunday, which happens to be tomorrow. Yesterday was Good Friday and the day before that was, for reasons still uncertain, "Holy Thursday", and while I'm no theologian I would bet that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday had some sort of "Holy" attached to it.
But what about today? I mean, yesterday (Good Friday) was a huge day in the Christian religion as Jesus died for us, and Easter only trumps that because he rose from the dead which hasn't happened besides the 2004 Red Sox in the ALCS. So what's today?
Well since I'd rather have you read what I think rather than just google it yourself, read on and imagine the following...
What would Easter be like if the same media coverage/social media coverage were around at the time of Jesus' death?
Wait! Don't answer this yourself. For your convenience and amusement I decided to write this out for you. I mean, you're still here, so go with it.
....
(booming announcer voice): "And now live, from Israel, WWJD-TV presents the pre-game Easter show. Live from the summit, is our host, Moses."
Thank you and hello everyone, welcome to Easter 2012 in which appears to be probably the most incredible miracle by the Lord our savior. I'm Moses, and you may remember me from the whole Ten Commandments thingie and parting the sea, the burning bush, etc., etc., and joining me today on this Media Day of coverage I have one of the disciples which will join us in studio to talk about tomorrow's probable resurrection along with a surprise guest who was there during the sentencing. Also joining me is Mary Magdaeline who is live via remote from the gravesite and next to me in studio, for no reason at all, Mel Kiper Jr.
Mel: It's great to be here Moses and I'm excited to present my in-depth analysis of the various sinners and saints as well as the odds of tomorrow's miracle. Now I may be wrong but it's not a slam dunk about tomorrow, Moses. I think you could see nothing happen. My sources tell me that the tomb is extremely secure.
Moses: Well that's why we have you here, Mel, because if you DID predict something to happen, it most likely wouldn't. Well, for that reason and, of course, the hair.
Mel: Yeah the sand out here isn't doing my hair any favors.
Moses: Anyway, before we come to our first guest let's go down live to the gravesite to Mary Magdaline who has been standing vigil for the last day or so outside of the tomb.
Mary: Thank you Moses and as you might expect the crowd is filled with around an equal mix of followers and dissenters, and asking the crowd about what will happen tomorrow, it's pretty much split down the middle. But WWJD has exclusive rights to the area right outside of the tomb entrance and I will be here until later when it seems that every year I get curious enough to take a look inside and see what's going on. Tonight at midnight we will also be answering questions on our Facebook page and via Twitter. You just never do know, Moses.
Moses: Well after 2000 years I think we DO have an idea, but to join us now for some personal thoughts on this I want to welcome Simon Peter, one of his disciples, and also King Herod who was there when the masses decided to allow him to die. Gentlemen, thanks for joining us in studio today.
Simon Peter: Thanks, Moses.
Herod: I appreciate the invite, Moses.
Moses: First, to Simon Peter. Or is it Peter?
Simon Peter: Peter is fine, thanks. Never understood the two first names. But my twitter handle is #therealsimonpeter just to clarify.
Moses: Ok Peter, well you had dinner with Jesus earlier this week. Can you describe a little about His spirits and what His mood was and also what He said might happen tomorrow?
SP: Well the dinner itself was really uneventful from a food perspective-- I mean, fish, bread and wine yet again, I mean, c'mon-- but Jesus's mood was a little stranger than usual. He told us I'd betray him three times and I thought He was crazy, but wham, there I go. He nailed it yet again.
Moses: I see, and did he happen to mention what would happen over this weekend at all to you?
SP: Well the writing was on the wall and we weren't surprised when it actually happened but still, every year there's both a sadness but also an overwhelming sense of euphoria.
Moses: Now Herod, you were in charge when His fate was decided. Did you expect to have this sort of a black mark on your name all of these years?
KH: Well Moses, I'll be frank: I left it up to the people to decide. And they spoke, I let it happen, and well, here I am.
Moses: But you don't think you could have done more?
KH: You know, being called "King" isn't all that it's cracked up to be, you know? It happened, it's over, and we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Moses: I don't mean to interrupt but we do have breaking news coming from the tomb. Let's go back down to Mary Magdaline, live.
MM: Well Moses, I just went into the tomb and the body is indeed gone. The body is not here. No one saw anyone leave and the crew from the blimp above captured nothing whatsoever. It is truly a miracle.
Moses: And that's going to wrap up our Easter Pre-Day Special, sponsored by Morton's Seafood. Please come back and join us live tomorrow morning when we will be broadcasting live from the temple, besides in Greece when coverage will be broadcast a week later. Thanks for watching WWJD.
(announcer voice): This live coverage brought to you by Honeybaked Ham, for a true Easter dinner experience; by Gallo Wines, when you're looking for the perfect wine to be the blood of the everlasting covenant; and by Dunkin' Donuts, because everything has to be sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts in one way or another.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Re-entry back from space...
Howdy all!
Who am I, do you ask? Well I wouldn't be surprised if you were actually asking that question as you read this. And I wouldn't be surprised if you were also thinking, "is it 'who' or 'whom'"? Grammatical nuances aside, it is I, returning to the blogosphere after my departure away from writing and entrance into what had become the "twitterosphere" mixed with the "statusphere" with my thoughts either being limited to 140 characters or less or just short enough so 450 or so of my closest lurkers could read it and possibly click a "like" button to tell me that hey, that was worth the 30 seconds of my time to read it.
Instead I wanted to get back to my roots, whatever that means, and dish out mindless drivel about all sorts of subjects. I then wondered what subjects would be worthy of more than 30 seconds of people's time or more than 140 characters of text and then had a brilliant thought: the subjects should be about what *I* like. Note the two asterisks, squeezing me (or I) in that sentence. That means that the "I" should be stressed heavily, unlike the "I" in between the quotation marks which are basically just a few hands keeping the "I" floating in the sentence (there it goes again).
So what subjects do I like?
...
Hmm...
...
Well, there's...
...
Yeah, maybe instead...
...
Well I sort of thought about it and decided that I like to write about these subjects. So if you find one or any or all (heaven forbid!) interesting, then good for you. Your time will be well spent.
1. Sports.
I love sports. Love them. Love them to the point where at one point of my life I thought it was totally going to rule and at the same time ruin my life. As a Boston sports fan, ... well enough said. Those of you who are one know what I mean. Over the last 10 years, the Red Sox have turned into suffering losers to 2-time WS winnin', chicken and beer swillin', not-as-bad-losers, the Patriots have won three Super Bowls while losing two (sigh), the Bruins have come from an attitude where a pair of tickets constituted a "group sale" to a Stanley Cup winner and hottest ticket in town, and the Celtics... well the Celtics won it in 2008 and almost again two years later, but hey, anything's possible as they would say. And I love talking about, writing about, attending, listening, watching, hell even farting about sports. Fortunately, they don't rule my life nearly as much as they used to, so rather than reserving my own seat on the Tobin if they lost, now I just accept the loss as part of life, think about other, more important things, and make another stitch into my Derek Jeter/Peyton Manning/Eli Manning/Kobe Bryant hybrid voodoo doll.
2. Stuff.
Who doesn't love stuff!? Well I do. It could be about ridiculous observations of people, to politics, to life in general, to randomness, such as why people wave their cell phone in the air when they lose coverage like the signal is magically 2 feet above their heads, to why I pack extra underwear when I travel even though I haven't shit my pants in years. Everyone love stuff.
3. Everything else.
Really, I just needed more than 2 bullet points to illustrate the randomness of my point here.
So, I'll leave you with that for now and promise that I'll be writing more for your amusement/bemusement and sometimes it will be long-winded, sometime short-breezed, and sometimes you'll catch a whiff and just realize I'm farting about sports again.
Cheers to all,
Mike
Who am I, do you ask? Well I wouldn't be surprised if you were actually asking that question as you read this. And I wouldn't be surprised if you were also thinking, "is it 'who' or 'whom'"? Grammatical nuances aside, it is I, returning to the blogosphere after my departure away from writing and entrance into what had become the "twitterosphere" mixed with the "statusphere" with my thoughts either being limited to 140 characters or less or just short enough so 450 or so of my closest lurkers could read it and possibly click a "like" button to tell me that hey, that was worth the 30 seconds of my time to read it.
Instead I wanted to get back to my roots, whatever that means, and dish out mindless drivel about all sorts of subjects. I then wondered what subjects would be worthy of more than 30 seconds of people's time or more than 140 characters of text and then had a brilliant thought: the subjects should be about what *I* like. Note the two asterisks, squeezing me (or I) in that sentence. That means that the "I" should be stressed heavily, unlike the "I" in between the quotation marks which are basically just a few hands keeping the "I" floating in the sentence (there it goes again).
So what subjects do I like?
...
Hmm...
...
Well, there's...
...
Yeah, maybe instead...
...
Well I sort of thought about it and decided that I like to write about these subjects. So if you find one or any or all (heaven forbid!) interesting, then good for you. Your time will be well spent.
1. Sports.
I love sports. Love them. Love them to the point where at one point of my life I thought it was totally going to rule and at the same time ruin my life. As a Boston sports fan, ... well enough said. Those of you who are one know what I mean. Over the last 10 years, the Red Sox have turned into suffering losers to 2-time WS winnin', chicken and beer swillin', not-as-bad-losers, the Patriots have won three Super Bowls while losing two (sigh), the Bruins have come from an attitude where a pair of tickets constituted a "group sale" to a Stanley Cup winner and hottest ticket in town, and the Celtics... well the Celtics won it in 2008 and almost again two years later, but hey, anything's possible as they would say. And I love talking about, writing about, attending, listening, watching, hell even farting about sports. Fortunately, they don't rule my life nearly as much as they used to, so rather than reserving my own seat on the Tobin if they lost, now I just accept the loss as part of life, think about other, more important things, and make another stitch into my Derek Jeter/Peyton Manning/Eli Manning/Kobe Bryant hybrid voodoo doll.
2. Stuff.
Who doesn't love stuff!? Well I do. It could be about ridiculous observations of people, to politics, to life in general, to randomness, such as why people wave their cell phone in the air when they lose coverage like the signal is magically 2 feet above their heads, to why I pack extra underwear when I travel even though I haven't shit my pants in years. Everyone love stuff.
3. Everything else.
Really, I just needed more than 2 bullet points to illustrate the randomness of my point here.
So, I'll leave you with that for now and promise that I'll be writing more for your amusement/bemusement and sometimes it will be long-winded, sometime short-breezed, and sometimes you'll catch a whiff and just realize I'm farting about sports again.
Cheers to all,
Mike
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Reality TV? How TV Ruined Reality
Most of us are dissatisfied with customer service from just about all organizations, especially when it comes to making phone calls to toll-free numbers and staying on hold with someone who doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on, or even worse, understand the language you’re speaking. The reason for this is because of shows like “24” and “Criminal Minds” that get things that would normally take an extraordinary amount of time done in about 15 seconds, and even get a “thank you” from the person who does this.
For example, here’s some sample dialogue I made up from a typical “Criminal Minds”:
Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
(calling Penelope): Hey there sweet cheeks.
Derek: Hey girlfriend. I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: (after about 5 seconds): I’ve limited the search down to 5 men.
Derek: Any of them have red hair?
Penelope: Red hair… (3 seconds later): check! Here’s your guy.
Derek: Nice! Can you send that—
Penelope: -- picture of him to your phone? (insert noise of a single button) check it now
Derek’s phone: BEEP
Penelope: Voila!
Derek: You’re the best!
Penelope: (blushing) I thought you were (insert casual flirt).
The entire transaction above takes about 35 seconds and yes this time does include the flirt and Penelope’s false hope that Derek is actually into her.
Now, here’s how it would work in a typical company using the same scenario and people:
Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
Derek: Penelope’s on PTO. Plus she only works 7-4 due to the flex hours.
Hotch: Well call her backup. We need this ASAP!
Derek: I think I have her direct line #. I can’t stand that toll-free prompt.
(calling Penelope): Hi, is Penelope there?
Penelope: I’m here! Who did you think it was?
Derek: Oh I thought you were on PTO.
Penelope: No, I stash all of my PTO away for the end of the year. What’s up?
Derek: I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: Ok hold on, I have to log into a few systems to look up both the white males and also those who vacationed in Iowa. The systems don’t talk to each other.
Derek: Penelope, I need this quickly.
Penelope: I can request an expedite for this but I have to know if you’ll accept any charges that may apply for this expedite.
Derek: Charges?
Penelope: Yes, there may be up to a $100 expedite fee along with the $25 request fee.
Derek: Sure! Anything. I just need it. It’s a life or death situation.
Penelope: Ok, I’m just creating the ticket now and after I fill out the form and attach it to the request, I’ll send this off to my manager to approve.
Derek: Can’t you just pull this information?
Penelope: Well, yes and no. Since it’s an expedite I need my manager to approve this.
Derek: Are you serious?
Penelope: Quite. Oh! Good news. He just emailed me back approved. And here you go—87324A3
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s the order #... sort of.
Derek: Sort of?
Penelope: Well, it’s the order # for the first system. Then someone takes this and puts it into our second system.
Derek: Um… yeah… well I need this moved to the top of your pile.
Penelope: Well all requests are done in the order they’re received. This IS an expedite so it’s only fourth in line behind the other expedites I have.
Derek: Fourth? All this to find a white man in their 40’s who has a daugh—
Penelope: Uh oh.
Derek: Uh oh, what?
Penelope: I fat fingered the age. I requested a white man in their 50s.
Derek: So? Change it!
Penelope: Well I will change it but that means I have to ‘supp the entire order.
Derek: How long is that going to take? Just change the age!
Penelope: Well I can’t just *change* the age. I have to email the person who now owns this task to reject this back to me so I can change the order.
Derek: I can’t wait for this. I need this info now.
Penelope: Tell you what I’ll do—I create a brand new order, which might be quicker than changing the original document, and then call in a favor with the person who owns the second task on this query. Then I’ll cancel the original order.
Derek: How long will that take?
Penelope: Hold on. (putting on hold for about 2 minutes)
Penelope: Ok I’m back!
Derek: And?
Penelope: Good news. 4525A34!! Yeah!!
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s your order #!
Derek: Order #?
Penelope: Yes, but that’s the REAL order #, the order in the second system. So now someone will begin to work this!
Derek: How long are we looking here, Penelope? This unsub could be all the way across the state in 30 minutes. We can’t afford to lose more time.
Penelope: Derek, your business is very important to us. Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll waive the $25 transaction fee.
Derek: I DON’T CARE about the fee!! I just need the unsub’s name!
Penelope: Oh dear.
Derek: Oh dear WHAT? What is going on there?
Penelope: It got rejected.
Derek: WHY?!!
Penelope: I requested what you wanted, a white male in their 40’s with a daughter who might have attended Catholic school and might also have a limp. But I can’t request this all at once. After the white males in their 40’s come back I have to resubmit asking for those who have a daughter, then the Catholic school, and then the limp. Oh crap. And then the vacationing in Iowa. Who vacations in Iowa anyway? Do you want me to query California or Florida instead?
Derek: (stunned silence)
Penelope: Sweetcheeks?
Derek: Don’t call me that.
Penelope: I’m sorry. Let me call you back in 30 minutes. I might be able to pull a favor or two.
30 minutes later…
(phone rings) Derek: Hello?
(automated recording): Hello! This is the CIA calling. When [Derek Morgan] is on the line, please press #.
Derek: #
Penelope: Hi! Good news. I got something.
Derek (sounding defeated): Not that it matters at this point, but what do you got?
Penelope: Well I got all but the “limp” part back. It narrowed it down to 55 people.
Derek: 55? Those with a limp have to have far less of a number.
Penelope: I know. Do you have any other criteria? I don’t want to have to ‘supp the entire order but—
Derek—NO! Don’t do that. Just give me what you have and yes I do have another criteria—red hair. Filter out those who only have red hair.
Penelope: Well, we don’t do any vanity requests—let me check my process document—no, we don’t. But I do see some with red hair.
Derek: Well send me what you got.
Penelope: OH!!
Derek: Oh?
Penelope: I got it! I got it! Check your email.
Derek: I didn’t get anything.
Penelope: You didn’t? I sent it to—oh. I sent it to Hotch. He’s the authorized person on this account.
Derek: Penelope, you know me. Just forward me what you sent to him.
Penelope: Well, since I know who you are, I’ll send the picture over to you. Now. Check your email.
Derek: Got it.
(stunned silence)
Derek: Penelope?
Penelope: Yes?
Derek: Penelope, this is a picture of Ronald McDonald.
Penelope: Which reminds me… time for lunch!
For example, here’s some sample dialogue I made up from a typical “Criminal Minds”:
Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
(calling Penelope): Hey there sweet cheeks.
Derek: Hey girlfriend. I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: (after about 5 seconds): I’ve limited the search down to 5 men.
Derek: Any of them have red hair?
Penelope: Red hair… (3 seconds later): check! Here’s your guy.
Derek: Nice! Can you send that—
Penelope: -- picture of him to your phone? (insert noise of a single button) check it now
Derek’s phone: BEEP
Penelope: Voila!
Derek: You’re the best!
Penelope: (blushing) I thought you were (insert casual flirt).
The entire transaction above takes about 35 seconds and yes this time does include the flirt and Penelope’s false hope that Derek is actually into her.
Now, here’s how it would work in a typical company using the same scenario and people:
Derek: We need to be table to track this unsub and get a little background on where he might be.
Hotch: Derek, let’s get Penelope involved, see what she can find.
Derek: Penelope’s on PTO. Plus she only works 7-4 due to the flex hours.
Hotch: Well call her backup. We need this ASAP!
Derek: I think I have her direct line #. I can’t stand that toll-free prompt.
(calling Penelope): Hi, is Penelope there?
Penelope: I’m here! Who did you think it was?
Derek: Oh I thought you were on PTO.
Penelope: No, I stash all of my PTO away for the end of the year. What’s up?
Derek: I need you to pull up all information on white males in their 40’s with a criminal record who have a daughter who attended a Catholic school and also might have a limp. Oh, and I need to see if any of them have vacationed in Iowa ever in their life.
Penelope: Ok hold on, I have to log into a few systems to look up both the white males and also those who vacationed in Iowa. The systems don’t talk to each other.
Derek: Penelope, I need this quickly.
Penelope: I can request an expedite for this but I have to know if you’ll accept any charges that may apply for this expedite.
Derek: Charges?
Penelope: Yes, there may be up to a $100 expedite fee along with the $25 request fee.
Derek: Sure! Anything. I just need it. It’s a life or death situation.
Penelope: Ok, I’m just creating the ticket now and after I fill out the form and attach it to the request, I’ll send this off to my manager to approve.
Derek: Can’t you just pull this information?
Penelope: Well, yes and no. Since it’s an expedite I need my manager to approve this.
Derek: Are you serious?
Penelope: Quite. Oh! Good news. He just emailed me back approved. And here you go—87324A3
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s the order #... sort of.
Derek: Sort of?
Penelope: Well, it’s the order # for the first system. Then someone takes this and puts it into our second system.
Derek: Um… yeah… well I need this moved to the top of your pile.
Penelope: Well all requests are done in the order they’re received. This IS an expedite so it’s only fourth in line behind the other expedites I have.
Derek: Fourth? All this to find a white man in their 40’s who has a daugh—
Penelope: Uh oh.
Derek: Uh oh, what?
Penelope: I fat fingered the age. I requested a white man in their 50s.
Derek: So? Change it!
Penelope: Well I will change it but that means I have to ‘supp the entire order.
Derek: How long is that going to take? Just change the age!
Penelope: Well I can’t just *change* the age. I have to email the person who now owns this task to reject this back to me so I can change the order.
Derek: I can’t wait for this. I need this info now.
Penelope: Tell you what I’ll do—I create a brand new order, which might be quicker than changing the original document, and then call in a favor with the person who owns the second task on this query. Then I’ll cancel the original order.
Derek: How long will that take?
Penelope: Hold on. (putting on hold for about 2 minutes)
Penelope: Ok I’m back!
Derek: And?
Penelope: Good news. 4525A34!! Yeah!!
Derek: What’s that?
Penelope: That’s your order #!
Derek: Order #?
Penelope: Yes, but that’s the REAL order #, the order in the second system. So now someone will begin to work this!
Derek: How long are we looking here, Penelope? This unsub could be all the way across the state in 30 minutes. We can’t afford to lose more time.
Penelope: Derek, your business is very important to us. Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll waive the $25 transaction fee.
Derek: I DON’T CARE about the fee!! I just need the unsub’s name!
Penelope: Oh dear.
Derek: Oh dear WHAT? What is going on there?
Penelope: It got rejected.
Derek: WHY?!!
Penelope: I requested what you wanted, a white male in their 40’s with a daughter who might have attended Catholic school and might also have a limp. But I can’t request this all at once. After the white males in their 40’s come back I have to resubmit asking for those who have a daughter, then the Catholic school, and then the limp. Oh crap. And then the vacationing in Iowa. Who vacations in Iowa anyway? Do you want me to query California or Florida instead?
Derek: (stunned silence)
Penelope: Sweetcheeks?
Derek: Don’t call me that.
Penelope: I’m sorry. Let me call you back in 30 minutes. I might be able to pull a favor or two.
30 minutes later…
(phone rings) Derek: Hello?
(automated recording): Hello! This is the CIA calling. When [Derek Morgan] is on the line, please press #.
Derek: #
Penelope: Hi! Good news. I got something.
Derek (sounding defeated): Not that it matters at this point, but what do you got?
Penelope: Well I got all but the “limp” part back. It narrowed it down to 55 people.
Derek: 55? Those with a limp have to have far less of a number.
Penelope: I know. Do you have any other criteria? I don’t want to have to ‘supp the entire order but—
Derek—NO! Don’t do that. Just give me what you have and yes I do have another criteria—red hair. Filter out those who only have red hair.
Penelope: Well, we don’t do any vanity requests—let me check my process document—no, we don’t. But I do see some with red hair.
Derek: Well send me what you got.
Penelope: OH!!
Derek: Oh?
Penelope: I got it! I got it! Check your email.
Derek: I didn’t get anything.
Penelope: You didn’t? I sent it to—oh. I sent it to Hotch. He’s the authorized person on this account.
Derek: Penelope, you know me. Just forward me what you sent to him.
Penelope: Well, since I know who you are, I’ll send the picture over to you. Now. Check your email.
Derek: Got it.
(stunned silence)
Derek: Penelope?
Penelope: Yes?
Derek: Penelope, this is a picture of Ronald McDonald.
Penelope: Which reminds me… time for lunch!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
From running to re-running...
Hi everyone,
Well now that the marathon is over and my sanity-- not to mention my pre-marathon "physique"-- has been restored, I decided to dust off the ol' keyboard and think about writing something, preferably enjoyable to read.
Boston sports has been on my mind lately and I thought I would write about the unique position that Boston is in right now with both the Celtics and Bruins going (for now) deep in the playoffs and about the Red Sox, well, playing. Having gone to the Red Sox earlier this week and the Celtics/Bruins earlier, I had made several observations about the various sports fans that attend these events. Making some mental notes, I thought "hey this might be fun to write about". Then I realized... I did this already and wrote about it several years ago. After re-reading it, I found that I only wrote about the hockey/basketball crowds so I then thought: why not take after the music, movie and television industries and just dust off what once was a good idea or thought and re-make it. Even more, I will write about my Red Sox fans observations separately in a new upcoming thread (ah, the promise of fresh material). And thus, I conform to these industries and bring you the 2010 version of the 2002 blog post of:
Mike's Guide to Basketball/Hockey Sports Fans
Sports fans, you say? Yep. No puck or hoop talk here. No mention of a single player, at least in a positive tone. Whether you're an active or passive sports fan or not a sports fan at all, chances are that you will someday soon attend a professional sporting event.
There are many reasons not to go. The cost of a ticket is ridiculous in most cases. Getting to the arena may not be the most convenient, especially here in Boston. Or you may simply not be a fan. Let me start by saying that the fans themselves can add HOURS of FUN to attending a sporting event and this guide-- free of charge-- will tell you how. NBA Fever... Catch it!
Simply print this out and bring it to your next sports game. Of course if you do so, you will be ridiculed, but just make sure my name is not on this. I have chosen to exclude writing about football since it's out of season (and you got my note about baseball already):
Earlier this year, Kristin and I went to the Celtics game. Before I begin writing, I want to say that there is one golden rule that you MUST follow when someone tells you that they have Celtics tickets to LA (Los Angeles): clarify if they mean the LA LAKERS or the LA CLIPPERS. Big difference. Neglecting to do this, we enjoyed seeing the mighty Clippers in action and this one was viewed from up in the balcony where I knew the true fans would hang out. Don't misunderstand me here, I don't like poking fun at people as a hobby, and most of the fans who attend sporting events, like families, moms/dads taking their kids to the game, youth groups, and sports fan couples, are very good people. But there are those that make the experience a little more enjoyable at their own expense. So here goes... see how many of these fans you can spot next time you get dragged to one of these games or willingly go to:
1. "I'm Here For the Beer". There is no question about this fan. These fans are found only in the upper 5 rows of the balcony or in the row that is above where a price change takes effect (money saved thus being spent on beer). This fan is usually inebriated before coming to the game, wisely choosing to be frugal and load up on $2 16oz Pabst at a nearby bar. The IHFTB fan always has both hands with beer in hand unless they are either giving the finger, holding their hands to yell at the opposing team, or doing both. IHFTB fan only is there from after 6 minutes after the game begins to shortly after the last period of regulation begins. Attire includes either a hometeam knockoff uniform, face paint (rare in hockey), backwards hats for guys, or college sweats. The older you find the fan, the more points you get. Most are men but at hockey games, you will find those "huge" hockey fans (literally).
2. "Aspiring Stand-up Guy". Almost always, this is a man and not a woman unless you are in Canada. This guy is in his late 20's-early 30's and no doubt has a ticket purchased from Ticketmaster in his pocket, i.e. no way a season ticket holder. He's the guy that yells out things to try and be funny, such as "Connor Henry is not walking through that door! Carlos Clark is not walking through that door!" at Celtics games or "Welcome to the 'House That DeClerc Built'". In other words, esoteric remarks that are largely unfunny except to him. The target audience is usually the mid 30's season ticket holder, which tells you how rarely anyone laughs. Yes, I have been this guy.
2. "Concession Obsession". This is the fan who you
want to start betting with your friends how many times
he/she will once again come up the aisle from the
concession stand with food/beer/drink. After 5 times,
you begin to establish an over/under for the rest of
the quarter or game. This is the fan that keeps the
arena in business, somehow justifying that paying $10
for a pretzel and beer is not a bad deal... over and
over again. You will usually not find this fan dressed
in any sports attire as he/she will have no idea where
they are or why they are there. Careful now, since you
can get confused between this fan and the...
3. "Bringing the Non-Sports Fan Girlfriend to the Game
Guy". It's always fun to sport who these guys are.
They always want to yell out something at a player but
boil with self-restraint since their girl is right
there. And the girl always has something from the "Fan
Zone" like a teddy bear or one of those giant "We're
#1" foam fingers. A dead giveaway of spotting this fan
is a Fan Zone bag under the chair, but those aren't
always easy to spot. These fans are very common in the
better sections of the arena, where either he or she's
company has a pair of season tickets. They are usually
dressed very nice and the girl constantly watches the
jumbotron for everything, even though the seats are
great to bring the game. "Hey look, the jumbotron says
to 'make noise'... WHOO!" Man buries head. High
comedy.
4. "JumboFan". This fan doesn't even know where they
are, but they are constantly watching the jumbotron,
and more importantly, the camera people during
time-outs to see if they are pointing to their
section. For those of you who are unaware what a
"jumbotron" is, it is the large 4-sided television
screen in the middle of the arena that basically
controls the minds of all fans by telling it to "make
noise", scream "DE-fense", and asking trivia questions
between periods. If the jumbotron displayed "you're an
idiot", 16,000 fans would start crying. You cannot
underestimate the power of the jumbotron (except for
Old Time Fan, who I will define later). These yahoos
stand up when the disco or techno music starts playing
and the jumbotron pans the crowd for waving or dancing
fans. Here's a clue if you want to become a JumboFan: (a)
bring a small child wearing home team merchandise and
make them dance; (b) if you're a lady, shake the
goods; (c) if you're a guy, dance like an idiot; (d)
sit in a very expensive seat like the front 3 rows; or
(e) scam your way into one of those community group
sections. If you're in none of these categories, don't
waste your time.
5. "CellFan". Somehow, modern electronics permits
cellular signals to travel through tons of concrete in
sports arenas, therefore making the annoying
constantly-on-cellphone people right at home. The
CellFans are usually those who stand up, cell phone in
hand to ear, and wave. Very common at the beginning of
the game for those in the good seats, so they can show
the other people they are calling how good their seats
are, and very common towards the end of the game for
those in the not-so-good seats to see if the people in
the good seats they are calling have a vacant seat
nearby. The CellFans can also be spotted at the
entrance to the stairways on their phone, trying to
watch the game. If you don't give CellFan a dirty
look, you aren't truly living the experience.
6. "So Do We Have A Deal, Fan?" These are the guys and
girls in professional business attire in the premium
seats, i.e. the "dealmakers with the company seats"
who are surrounding the person in the polo shirt and
khaki pants, i.e. the "client". You will only find
these fans in the premium seats or loge seats. A clue
to spot them is to find the person in the business
suit constantly walking down the aisle with a
carry-tray of beer. These are not IHFTB fans since
they are trying to liquor up the client and not
themselves. These fans always have one person along
the ride who is not there to make deals, but instead
talk sports in case their client happens to be a huge
fan. I was this guy too.
7. "Old Time Fan". These fans take nothing from no
one. They have sat in those seats for over 20 years
and are wearing apparel that is no longer made, like
those 80's style Celtics jackets or a Peter McNab
hockey sweater. They never leave their seats and
detest the jumbotrons. They only leave their seats if
they have to get up and go to the restroom or if it's
between periods so they can avoid those college
interns slingshooting t-shirts into the stands. And
between periods, they will congregate together,
smoking cigarettes or cigars undeneath the no-smoking
signs. A rarity in this day and age. If you sit next
to them, they will complain how awful the game has
become and how players either played harder 20+ years
ago or how sad it was that the game had changed. Old
Time Fans are only found at events featuring teams
that are more than 25 years old so don't bother going
to a Minnesota Wild/Columbus Blue Jackets game looking
for these fans.
8. "Stairmasters". These are the fans who do nothing
but walk up and down the stairs to and from their seat
to the area below. They don't come back with any food
or drink (those are the "Runners", which I won't
explain in detail since they are simply "Stairmasters"
that DO come back with something) and usually travel
in twos or threes. If you have a seat near an aisle,
they are very annoying, otherwise you won't really
notice them at all. Usually they are women who are
reasonably attractive who are trying to get attention.
More common in the balconies. Naturally, Stairmasters
don't bother me one bit.
9. "Mullets" (Hockey only). Ah, the mullet. The Hockey
Helmet. The Tennessee Waterfall. The Canadian
Passport. I think everyone knows what a mullet is but those of you who don't know (since you probably have one and are living in denial if so), mullets are
those pieces of long hair on the back of one's neck
while the rest of the haircut is fairly normal, or
feathered with part in the middle (check out
www.mulletsgalore.com for a more detailed
explanation). Mullets were popular in the late 1980's
and early 1990's when Satan, aka Billy Ray Cyrus, came
out with the Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet was
reborn. Hockey players, for some weird reason, also
grew mullets, and thus so did their fans. Fortunately,
civilization has come back to this century and now
mullets are usually a rarity, which makes spotting a
Mullet fan even more unique. The most popular hockey
player with a mullet had to be Jaromir Jagr when he
was in Pittsburgh, or anyone who was from Canada,
where mullets are still pretty cool, because, well,
it's Canada. I had heard that people who live in
trailers have mullets for the simple reason that they
don't have wall mirrors in the trailer and I believe
that to be the case. Good luck finding the Mullet
fans, they are becoming very rare in the States
besides the Nashville Predators games.
Well hopefully this makes your next sporting event
more enjoyable. Here's nine various fans you can look
for and feel free to make a checklist out to see how
many you can spot. Please make sure to do so since I
have another email out to the people who are these
fans telling to try and find those people who have a
checklist looking around at all sorts of people.
And yes, I will write about Red Sox fans next... those of you with pink hats beware. And those of you with pink hats who are men, well...
Mike
Mike
Well now that the marathon is over and my sanity-- not to mention my pre-marathon "physique"-- has been restored, I decided to dust off the ol' keyboard and think about writing something, preferably enjoyable to read.
Boston sports has been on my mind lately and I thought I would write about the unique position that Boston is in right now with both the Celtics and Bruins going (for now) deep in the playoffs and about the Red Sox, well, playing. Having gone to the Red Sox earlier this week and the Celtics/Bruins earlier, I had made several observations about the various sports fans that attend these events. Making some mental notes, I thought "hey this might be fun to write about". Then I realized... I did this already and wrote about it several years ago. After re-reading it, I found that I only wrote about the hockey/basketball crowds so I then thought: why not take after the music, movie and television industries and just dust off what once was a good idea or thought and re-make it. Even more, I will write about my Red Sox fans observations separately in a new upcoming thread (ah, the promise of fresh material). And thus, I conform to these industries and bring you the 2010 version of the 2002 blog post of:
Mike's Guide to Basketball/Hockey Sports Fans
Sports fans, you say? Yep. No puck or hoop talk here. No mention of a single player, at least in a positive tone. Whether you're an active or passive sports fan or not a sports fan at all, chances are that you will someday soon attend a professional sporting event.
There are many reasons not to go. The cost of a ticket is ridiculous in most cases. Getting to the arena may not be the most convenient, especially here in Boston. Or you may simply not be a fan. Let me start by saying that the fans themselves can add HOURS of FUN to attending a sporting event and this guide-- free of charge-- will tell you how. NBA Fever... Catch it!
Simply print this out and bring it to your next sports game. Of course if you do so, you will be ridiculed, but just make sure my name is not on this. I have chosen to exclude writing about football since it's out of season (and you got my note about baseball already):
Earlier this year, Kristin and I went to the Celtics game. Before I begin writing, I want to say that there is one golden rule that you MUST follow when someone tells you that they have Celtics tickets to LA (Los Angeles): clarify if they mean the LA LAKERS or the LA CLIPPERS. Big difference. Neglecting to do this, we enjoyed seeing the mighty Clippers in action and this one was viewed from up in the balcony where I knew the true fans would hang out. Don't misunderstand me here, I don't like poking fun at people as a hobby, and most of the fans who attend sporting events, like families, moms/dads taking their kids to the game, youth groups, and sports fan couples, are very good people. But there are those that make the experience a little more enjoyable at their own expense. So here goes... see how many of these fans you can spot next time you get dragged to one of these games or willingly go to:
1. "I'm Here For the Beer". There is no question about this fan. These fans are found only in the upper 5 rows of the balcony or in the row that is above where a price change takes effect (money saved thus being spent on beer). This fan is usually inebriated before coming to the game, wisely choosing to be frugal and load up on $2 16oz Pabst at a nearby bar. The IHFTB fan always has both hands with beer in hand unless they are either giving the finger, holding their hands to yell at the opposing team, or doing both. IHFTB fan only is there from after 6 minutes after the game begins to shortly after the last period of regulation begins. Attire includes either a hometeam knockoff uniform, face paint (rare in hockey), backwards hats for guys, or college sweats. The older you find the fan, the more points you get. Most are men but at hockey games, you will find those "huge" hockey fans (literally).
2. "Aspiring Stand-up Guy". Almost always, this is a man and not a woman unless you are in Canada. This guy is in his late 20's-early 30's and no doubt has a ticket purchased from Ticketmaster in his pocket, i.e. no way a season ticket holder. He's the guy that yells out things to try and be funny, such as "Connor Henry is not walking through that door! Carlos Clark is not walking through that door!" at Celtics games or "Welcome to the 'House That DeClerc Built'". In other words, esoteric remarks that are largely unfunny except to him. The target audience is usually the mid 30's season ticket holder, which tells you how rarely anyone laughs. Yes, I have been this guy.
2. "Concession Obsession". This is the fan who you
want to start betting with your friends how many times
he/she will once again come up the aisle from the
concession stand with food/beer/drink. After 5 times,
you begin to establish an over/under for the rest of
the quarter or game. This is the fan that keeps the
arena in business, somehow justifying that paying $10
for a pretzel and beer is not a bad deal... over and
over again. You will usually not find this fan dressed
in any sports attire as he/she will have no idea where
they are or why they are there. Careful now, since you
can get confused between this fan and the...
3. "Bringing the Non-Sports Fan Girlfriend to the Game
Guy". It's always fun to sport who these guys are.
They always want to yell out something at a player but
boil with self-restraint since their girl is right
there. And the girl always has something from the "Fan
Zone" like a teddy bear or one of those giant "We're
#1" foam fingers. A dead giveaway of spotting this fan
is a Fan Zone bag under the chair, but those aren't
always easy to spot. These fans are very common in the
better sections of the arena, where either he or she's
company has a pair of season tickets. They are usually
dressed very nice and the girl constantly watches the
jumbotron for everything, even though the seats are
great to bring the game. "Hey look, the jumbotron says
to 'make noise'... WHOO!" Man buries head. High
comedy.
4. "JumboFan". This fan doesn't even know where they
are, but they are constantly watching the jumbotron,
and more importantly, the camera people during
time-outs to see if they are pointing to their
section. For those of you who are unaware what a
"jumbotron" is, it is the large 4-sided television
screen in the middle of the arena that basically
controls the minds of all fans by telling it to "make
noise", scream "DE-fense", and asking trivia questions
between periods. If the jumbotron displayed "you're an
idiot", 16,000 fans would start crying. You cannot
underestimate the power of the jumbotron (except for
Old Time Fan, who I will define later). These yahoos
stand up when the disco or techno music starts playing
and the jumbotron pans the crowd for waving or dancing
fans. Here's a clue if you want to become a JumboFan: (a)
bring a small child wearing home team merchandise and
make them dance; (b) if you're a lady, shake the
goods; (c) if you're a guy, dance like an idiot; (d)
sit in a very expensive seat like the front 3 rows; or
(e) scam your way into one of those community group
sections. If you're in none of these categories, don't
waste your time.
5. "CellFan". Somehow, modern electronics permits
cellular signals to travel through tons of concrete in
sports arenas, therefore making the annoying
constantly-on-cellphone people right at home. The
CellFans are usually those who stand up, cell phone in
hand to ear, and wave. Very common at the beginning of
the game for those in the good seats, so they can show
the other people they are calling how good their seats
are, and very common towards the end of the game for
those in the not-so-good seats to see if the people in
the good seats they are calling have a vacant seat
nearby. The CellFans can also be spotted at the
entrance to the stairways on their phone, trying to
watch the game. If you don't give CellFan a dirty
look, you aren't truly living the experience.
6. "So Do We Have A Deal, Fan?" These are the guys and
girls in professional business attire in the premium
seats, i.e. the "dealmakers with the company seats"
who are surrounding the person in the polo shirt and
khaki pants, i.e. the "client". You will only find
these fans in the premium seats or loge seats. A clue
to spot them is to find the person in the business
suit constantly walking down the aisle with a
carry-tray of beer. These are not IHFTB fans since
they are trying to liquor up the client and not
themselves. These fans always have one person along
the ride who is not there to make deals, but instead
talk sports in case their client happens to be a huge
fan. I was this guy too.
7. "Old Time Fan". These fans take nothing from no
one. They have sat in those seats for over 20 years
and are wearing apparel that is no longer made, like
those 80's style Celtics jackets or a Peter McNab
hockey sweater. They never leave their seats and
detest the jumbotrons. They only leave their seats if
they have to get up and go to the restroom or if it's
between periods so they can avoid those college
interns slingshooting t-shirts into the stands. And
between periods, they will congregate together,
smoking cigarettes or cigars undeneath the no-smoking
signs. A rarity in this day and age. If you sit next
to them, they will complain how awful the game has
become and how players either played harder 20+ years
ago or how sad it was that the game had changed. Old
Time Fans are only found at events featuring teams
that are more than 25 years old so don't bother going
to a Minnesota Wild/Columbus Blue Jackets game looking
for these fans.
8. "Stairmasters". These are the fans who do nothing
but walk up and down the stairs to and from their seat
to the area below. They don't come back with any food
or drink (those are the "Runners", which I won't
explain in detail since they are simply "Stairmasters"
that DO come back with something) and usually travel
in twos or threes. If you have a seat near an aisle,
they are very annoying, otherwise you won't really
notice them at all. Usually they are women who are
reasonably attractive who are trying to get attention.
More common in the balconies. Naturally, Stairmasters
don't bother me one bit.
9. "Mullets" (Hockey only). Ah, the mullet. The Hockey
Helmet. The Tennessee Waterfall. The Canadian
Passport. I think everyone knows what a mullet is but those of you who don't know (since you probably have one and are living in denial if so), mullets are
those pieces of long hair on the back of one's neck
while the rest of the haircut is fairly normal, or
feathered with part in the middle (check out
www.mulletsgalore.com for a more detailed
explanation). Mullets were popular in the late 1980's
and early 1990's when Satan, aka Billy Ray Cyrus, came
out with the Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet was
reborn. Hockey players, for some weird reason, also
grew mullets, and thus so did their fans. Fortunately,
civilization has come back to this century and now
mullets are usually a rarity, which makes spotting a
Mullet fan even more unique. The most popular hockey
player with a mullet had to be Jaromir Jagr when he
was in Pittsburgh, or anyone who was from Canada,
where mullets are still pretty cool, because, well,
it's Canada. I had heard that people who live in
trailers have mullets for the simple reason that they
don't have wall mirrors in the trailer and I believe
that to be the case. Good luck finding the Mullet
fans, they are becoming very rare in the States
besides the Nashville Predators games.
Well hopefully this makes your next sporting event
more enjoyable. Here's nine various fans you can look
for and feel free to make a checklist out to see how
many you can spot. Please make sure to do so since I
have another email out to the people who are these
fans telling to try and find those people who have a
checklist looking around at all sorts of people.
And yes, I will write about Red Sox fans next... those of you with pink hats beware. And those of you with pink hats who are men, well...
Mike
Mike
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Random Rumblings... speaking of which...
It's amazing the crap that I come up with in-between a day filled of... well, let's just say that like comedy, telecom isn't pretty...
-- I would define "awkward" in Facebook terms as being added as a friend by an important business partner and taking 3-4 days deciding if you want to accept, going back and forth on accepting or not as you freak out that your stupid pictures from various parties that people have tagged of you will be exposed, but then deciding to just add them anyway and face the music. So you accept their invite and then when you look at their wall, all you see are various animals and vegetables from their extensive Farmtown or whatever that thing's called.
-- What an end to baseball's regular season. A playoff game, Detroit vs. Minnesota, extra innings and walk-off win. Hating the Yankees, I wanted to see the Twins win it since they probably the have the best chance to be least embarrassed (c'mon people, the Yankees have this series won as much as I hate to admit it) but was pulling for Detroit because that city has had a hell of a, well, fifty years.
-- I just bought a 50" HDTV and I immediately had buyer's remorse... not because of the price but because I now realize that the crap that's on TV will now be shown in my house in bigger picture and nicer quality.
-- I think one of the biggest bait-and-switch schemes of all time was the Atari version of Pac-Man. All of us over the age of 30 at one point went to an arcade and pumped quarters into Pac-Man. And it was AWESOME... little dots, multi-colored ghosts and even floating fruits. Then we all got Ataris, or know someone who had one, and instead of pumping quarters into the arcade, out comes the Atari Pac-Man. So we begged our parents to fork over the $50 for the cartridge and we would take it home and rip it open and turn it on... and it looked NOTHING like the game... eating the pellets sounded like the word "thong" and the color scheme was this hideous light blue and even the fruit looked like asteroids. Yet it was fun. I bet no one went back to the store to return it. Brilliant... then again, where is Atari now?
-- Speaking of which, I have to go on the record to say that I never "flipped" an Atari arcade game. That was one of the things in school that made you instantly cool. "Hey did you hear about Doug? He flipped Defender...scored 2 million points." And then you would go to Doug and he'd bashfully acknowledge it and say "yeah it was easy" but would never reveal how they did it or they would speak in "Atari tongues" which was basically like "well you have to go all the way under the thing on the right and then hold down the button and then go down to the bottom through that little exit thing and go back and forth up and down and then the thing will, um, flip and you'd get a free guys and points and stuff." And you somehow understood yet had no idea what he was talking about, probably because he was full of shit. But Doug would go through school being known as the "kid who flipped Defender". Well that, and the guy who got promoted to assistant fry cook later in life.
-- I'm full of segues today (which is better than what I'm usually full of): If I were developing video games-- and you all should be happy that I do not do this if you've ever seen me try and play one-- I would develop a game called "Sports Fan". The premise is simple: you are a sports fan and you have to do things you think are basic but are actually quite hard. The easy levels would include walking down stairs without tripping, ordering a beer and popcorn at a minor league ball game and being to pay for them within 4 seconds AND lift the beer and popcorn and walk away without spilling either, and progress up to the hardest level which is buying two beers and a bag of obligatory peanuts at Fenway park in the top of the 7th inning, finding the shortest line, paying for them and then walking back to you seat balancing both beers and somehow that bag of peanuts under your armpit, up 42 rows of steps, ducking in and out of thousands of inebriated fans and little kids who seem to navigate in "stealth" mode, and not spill your beer AND not drop the bag of peanuts. Oh, and you'd lose points on every second of the game you miss. Laugh all you want but I think I'm onto something here.
-- You can all argue this but a sure sign that you are getting older is when you realize that when you leave someone (non-business) a message, you say that you "got the machine" or "left a message on their answering machine" rather than "voicemail". It used to be when you referred to CD's as "albums" but the Ipod pretty much killed that.
-- My plan to make millions is to develop the perfect salsa jar/container/bowl that doesn't leave your knuckles covered in salsa as you attempt to scoop salsa out halfway. Sure, you can dump it in a bowl, but why couldn't it just come that way?
-- One of the worst parts about NESN are the ridiculous commercials that they replay over and over. In my opinion the 3 worst ones are (in no order): the Olympia sports one with the loser that looks like every single guy who wants to pick a fight with you at a bar driving a cab; the Sullivan Tire commercial with (presumably) Mr. Sullivan in his white-hair mullet and thick accent trying to concentrate intently on his lines while petting a child and feeding a dog; and anything by Bob's Furniture. Bob's has always been the worst of the bunch since not only does he look like an enormous pain in the ass just by his appearance and voice alone but now he's added his blonde "Bobbette" who nods and mirrors everything Bob says in a whinier, female voice. The sexual tension is non-existent since it's clear Bobbette ain't rolling around on the Bob-O-Pedic anytime soon but the enthusiasm that they have by sitting on their ass in a barker lounger while pulling down a hidden compartment that includes a cooler, drink tray, reading light, toaster oven, sewing machine and whatever else sort of crap they can build in their crappy furniture not only makes me inexplicably angry but really, really makes me want to have one.
-- A nice part about the Bruins coming back on NESN, however, is the return of Kathryn Tappen. I'm surprised that not only does she still sport her Carol Brady-like bob-and-weave hairdo but that the same guys who came up with those clever t-shirts outside of Fenway and the Garden hasn't made a "I'd Tappen That!" t-shirt yet.
-- Speaking of the Bruins, if I worked in their marketing department, I would advertise the Bruins on NESN as "Jon and Kate Plus 8? Oh yeah? Well Zdeno Chara plus 12!!" I would also allocate myself lots of free tickets and then promptly resign since that slogan would be the best I could do.
-- Who are these people who write online reviews about HDTVs? I made the mistake of reading various reviews on Cnet, Best Buy, etc., and after doing so, would hope that I would prove that I am so happy with my TV purchase that the last thing I would think of would be sitting at my computer and writing a two page report on how much I love my TV. ... ok, ok, I found them useful. But still.
-- The over/under on the number of food items in a refrigerator that any unmarried man living alone would have is 6. I will admit that after much ridicule by my girlfriend and the fact that she was winning mucho dinero betting the over on this bet, I ended up throwing away all items that had expired (after guilt set in of giving away the non-perishable expired food to the homeless). However, it seems that I missed the freezer items and parts of the cupboard so I just for kicked I ended up making a box of Matarain's "Dirty Rice" which was manufactured before Hurricane Katrina swept through New Orleans and added the frozen beef that had a sell-by date of-- I am not making this up-- July 7, 2006. And it was... pretty good. I'm sure I'll pay for it tomorrow morning, if you know what I mean, but perhaps it's just part of the whole food industry conspiracy.
-- And speaking of the food conspiracy theory, why is it that something artificial and processed costs more than something 100% natural or organic? If you look at the ingredients of the artificial stuff, there are chemicals and preservatives that just have to cost a lot of money to make. No need to answer this question or ponder it any longer since I really don't care, but just thought I would throw it out there.
-- And speaking of artificial flavors, I was trying to think of which artificial flavors actually taste better than the real thing. I figured the answer is... just about everything. I thought strawberry would have the highest appeal versus its a real strawberry but now I'm thinking blueberry. I separated orange skittles I ate not too long ago and while they tasted like tart St. Joseph's aspirins, I still preferred the taste over an orange.
-- And speaking of orange, I just read somewhere that no words rhyme with the word "orange" which leads me to wonder how that name. It almost wants me want to name my daughter, should I ever have one, "Florange". Then I can introduce her as having the same name as the only word that rhymes with "orange". Well, I can introduce her to the people I meet as I wait in-between her frequent and intense therapy appointments if I do that. HA
-- And speaking of therapy, I have to wonder where some of these thoughts come from, and on that note, I'll quit while I'm behind.
Mike
-- I would define "awkward" in Facebook terms as being added as a friend by an important business partner and taking 3-4 days deciding if you want to accept, going back and forth on accepting or not as you freak out that your stupid pictures from various parties that people have tagged of you will be exposed, but then deciding to just add them anyway and face the music. So you accept their invite and then when you look at their wall, all you see are various animals and vegetables from their extensive Farmtown or whatever that thing's called.
-- What an end to baseball's regular season. A playoff game, Detroit vs. Minnesota, extra innings and walk-off win. Hating the Yankees, I wanted to see the Twins win it since they probably the have the best chance to be least embarrassed (c'mon people, the Yankees have this series won as much as I hate to admit it) but was pulling for Detroit because that city has had a hell of a, well, fifty years.
-- I just bought a 50" HDTV and I immediately had buyer's remorse... not because of the price but because I now realize that the crap that's on TV will now be shown in my house in bigger picture and nicer quality.
-- I think one of the biggest bait-and-switch schemes of all time was the Atari version of Pac-Man. All of us over the age of 30 at one point went to an arcade and pumped quarters into Pac-Man. And it was AWESOME... little dots, multi-colored ghosts and even floating fruits. Then we all got Ataris, or know someone who had one, and instead of pumping quarters into the arcade, out comes the Atari Pac-Man. So we begged our parents to fork over the $50 for the cartridge and we would take it home and rip it open and turn it on... and it looked NOTHING like the game... eating the pellets sounded like the word "thong" and the color scheme was this hideous light blue and even the fruit looked like asteroids. Yet it was fun. I bet no one went back to the store to return it. Brilliant... then again, where is Atari now?
-- Speaking of which, I have to go on the record to say that I never "flipped" an Atari arcade game. That was one of the things in school that made you instantly cool. "Hey did you hear about Doug? He flipped Defender...scored 2 million points." And then you would go to Doug and he'd bashfully acknowledge it and say "yeah it was easy" but would never reveal how they did it or they would speak in "Atari tongues" which was basically like "well you have to go all the way under the thing on the right and then hold down the button and then go down to the bottom through that little exit thing and go back and forth up and down and then the thing will, um, flip and you'd get a free guys and points and stuff." And you somehow understood yet had no idea what he was talking about, probably because he was full of shit. But Doug would go through school being known as the "kid who flipped Defender". Well that, and the guy who got promoted to assistant fry cook later in life.
-- I'm full of segues today (which is better than what I'm usually full of): If I were developing video games-- and you all should be happy that I do not do this if you've ever seen me try and play one-- I would develop a game called "Sports Fan". The premise is simple: you are a sports fan and you have to do things you think are basic but are actually quite hard. The easy levels would include walking down stairs without tripping, ordering a beer and popcorn at a minor league ball game and being to pay for them within 4 seconds AND lift the beer and popcorn and walk away without spilling either, and progress up to the hardest level which is buying two beers and a bag of obligatory peanuts at Fenway park in the top of the 7th inning, finding the shortest line, paying for them and then walking back to you seat balancing both beers and somehow that bag of peanuts under your armpit, up 42 rows of steps, ducking in and out of thousands of inebriated fans and little kids who seem to navigate in "stealth" mode, and not spill your beer AND not drop the bag of peanuts. Oh, and you'd lose points on every second of the game you miss. Laugh all you want but I think I'm onto something here.
-- You can all argue this but a sure sign that you are getting older is when you realize that when you leave someone (non-business) a message, you say that you "got the machine" or "left a message on their answering machine" rather than "voicemail". It used to be when you referred to CD's as "albums" but the Ipod pretty much killed that.
-- My plan to make millions is to develop the perfect salsa jar/container/bowl that doesn't leave your knuckles covered in salsa as you attempt to scoop salsa out halfway. Sure, you can dump it in a bowl, but why couldn't it just come that way?
-- One of the worst parts about NESN are the ridiculous commercials that they replay over and over. In my opinion the 3 worst ones are (in no order): the Olympia sports one with the loser that looks like every single guy who wants to pick a fight with you at a bar driving a cab; the Sullivan Tire commercial with (presumably) Mr. Sullivan in his white-hair mullet and thick accent trying to concentrate intently on his lines while petting a child and feeding a dog; and anything by Bob's Furniture. Bob's has always been the worst of the bunch since not only does he look like an enormous pain in the ass just by his appearance and voice alone but now he's added his blonde "Bobbette" who nods and mirrors everything Bob says in a whinier, female voice. The sexual tension is non-existent since it's clear Bobbette ain't rolling around on the Bob-O-Pedic anytime soon but the enthusiasm that they have by sitting on their ass in a barker lounger while pulling down a hidden compartment that includes a cooler, drink tray, reading light, toaster oven, sewing machine and whatever else sort of crap they can build in their crappy furniture not only makes me inexplicably angry but really, really makes me want to have one.
-- A nice part about the Bruins coming back on NESN, however, is the return of Kathryn Tappen. I'm surprised that not only does she still sport her Carol Brady-like bob-and-weave hairdo but that the same guys who came up with those clever t-shirts outside of Fenway and the Garden hasn't made a "I'd Tappen That!" t-shirt yet.
-- Speaking of the Bruins, if I worked in their marketing department, I would advertise the Bruins on NESN as "Jon and Kate Plus 8? Oh yeah? Well Zdeno Chara plus 12!!" I would also allocate myself lots of free tickets and then promptly resign since that slogan would be the best I could do.
-- Who are these people who write online reviews about HDTVs? I made the mistake of reading various reviews on Cnet, Best Buy, etc., and after doing so, would hope that I would prove that I am so happy with my TV purchase that the last thing I would think of would be sitting at my computer and writing a two page report on how much I love my TV. ... ok, ok, I found them useful. But still.
-- The over/under on the number of food items in a refrigerator that any unmarried man living alone would have is 6. I will admit that after much ridicule by my girlfriend and the fact that she was winning mucho dinero betting the over on this bet, I ended up throwing away all items that had expired (after guilt set in of giving away the non-perishable expired food to the homeless). However, it seems that I missed the freezer items and parts of the cupboard so I just for kicked I ended up making a box of Matarain's "Dirty Rice" which was manufactured before Hurricane Katrina swept through New Orleans and added the frozen beef that had a sell-by date of-- I am not making this up-- July 7, 2006. And it was... pretty good. I'm sure I'll pay for it tomorrow morning, if you know what I mean, but perhaps it's just part of the whole food industry conspiracy.
-- And speaking of the food conspiracy theory, why is it that something artificial and processed costs more than something 100% natural or organic? If you look at the ingredients of the artificial stuff, there are chemicals and preservatives that just have to cost a lot of money to make. No need to answer this question or ponder it any longer since I really don't care, but just thought I would throw it out there.
-- And speaking of artificial flavors, I was trying to think of which artificial flavors actually taste better than the real thing. I figured the answer is... just about everything. I thought strawberry would have the highest appeal versus its a real strawberry but now I'm thinking blueberry. I separated orange skittles I ate not too long ago and while they tasted like tart St. Joseph's aspirins, I still preferred the taste over an orange.
-- And speaking of orange, I just read somewhere that no words rhyme with the word "orange" which leads me to wonder how that name. It almost wants me want to name my daughter, should I ever have one, "Florange". Then I can introduce her as having the same name as the only word that rhymes with "orange". Well, I can introduce her to the people I meet as I wait in-between her frequent and intense therapy appointments if I do that. HA
-- And speaking of therapy, I have to wonder where some of these thoughts come from, and on that note, I'll quit while I'm behind.
Mike
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