Debate a day late and a dollar short...

SO... I'm pretty pissed right now.

After watching some of last night's debate between McCain and Obama, I had a great idea to write up my own mock debate and today, in between distracting myself from work and the week's events, I wrote it up. To spice it up and for comedic value alone, I included Palin and Biden in the debate and of course wrote about each of the candidate's "quirks" and also included Joe the Plumber in my mock debate.

Genius! (in my mind)

Well... SNL decided to kill time and put their own lousy show on tonight which took a lot of my own ideas and put it on the air. So I decided to shelve it and bring it out closer to the election where I can then edit it and make it seem "fresh", and not in the douchebag "fresh" way.

However I did find my 2004 debate email and decided to post it here anyway.

So go back in time and relive our reviled W and the flip-flopper and enjoy.
====================================
Fellow Americans (and a few Canadians, I think):

I am pleased to offer this exclusive
transcript of the Fourth Presidential Debate for
Election 2004. You may have thought that the
candidates only agreed to three debates, however using
some of the surplus from the Clinton Administration,
enough money was found to have a fourth. While the
Bush campaign party strongly opposed this debate since
it required the President to speak in complete
sentences and not use an earpiece, both teams agreed
to this on the condition that Kerry not whiten his
teeth and oversmile and that Bush try to say words
with more than three syllables. The debate was
conducted in my basement, aka Mantown, and carried on
C-SPAN2 (yes there is a C-SPAN2, as if C-SPAN1 and its
one camera wasn't enough).

Moderator (me): Thank you Senator Kerry and President
Bush for attending this totally false and made-up
Fourth Debate of the Presidential Election, live from
Mantown in Manchester, New Hampshire. This debate will
be short, as I can only type so much, and you will
each have several sentences to answer each question
directed at you, and those responding have several
sentences less, and so on, and you get the drift.
Before this debate, a coin was flipped to determine
who gets to answer the first question and the winner
was Senator Kerry, with President Bush, for some
reason, saying that he will defend the north End Zone.
So Senator Kerry, the first question is to you.

Me: Senator, your voting record in the Senate for the
past 20 years has been rather lackluster, attending
only a sporadic number of votes on the floor, some of
which were crucial to the debate. How can Americans be
so sure that you won't be retreating to Camp David and
that you will be an active president?

Kerry: Well first Mike, I want to thank you for
writing this email, since I get rather bored on the
Senate floor, when I do show up, and need something
besides Ted Kennedy's bar tab on his expense reports
to read. I want to address your question head-on, and
say that I have a plan. A plan. I have one. I told my
plan to Bethany, a midwifer from Rochester, New
Hampshire, just north of here. I asked her what a
midwifer was, and she told me. And I told her my plan.
If elected President, I intend to let everyone know
what a midwifer is and what she does, and what my plan
is and how i'll use it.

Bush: Thank you Mike for letting me come here. We no
longer live in a pre "9-11" America. That is because
my administration has spent millions to prove that
indeed we are living in a post "9-11" America.
(pause). 9-11 happened. (pause). It's in the past.
(pause). We've been through a lot together. Remember
that time I, I, denied I knew anything? Yeah, me too.
See, a lot together.

Me: Since neither of you directly answered that
question, I'll try again with another one and this one
is for President Bush. Mr. President, it has been said
that the quality of health care the past four years
has declined substantially and that your
administration hasn't done anything to combat the high
premiums from insurance companies. How do you plan to
change things, if you intend to, the next four years
if re-elected?

Bush: Well first Mike, I am proud of our health care
system. Sure, it ain't perfect. We got them Canadiens
there, to our "north", who make cheaper medicines.
That's ok. I've done research on how we can better our
health care bill. My research shows that if Americans
wash their hands with soap, they reduce their chances
of getting sick. That's why I propose, with the help
of my good friends at [checking notes to see where his
investments are] "Proc-tor" and "Gam-ble", to
introduce the "No Germs Left Behind" bill which will
give bars of soap, useful soap, to all Americans. We
gotta wash our hands. We do. It's that simple.

Kerry: Mike, to say that all Americans can cure their
ills with soap is just wrong. See, I have a plan. I
remember meeting Millie, an unemployed redneck at a
tractor pull in Jethro, West Virginia, complaining
that she has missed an entire week's work at the Dairy
Queen because of a twinge in her back. Millie gave me
an idea for a plan. And a plan I have. If elected, I
intend to start the "Don't Get Sick" campaign and my
plan will encourage all Americans to suck it up a
little, to take a few aspirin and get some additional
sleep, and see if their problem goes away. Got a
stuffy nose? Blow it. It works for me, and my plan
will work for everyone.

Me: I can only hope for the health of our citizens no
matter who wins this. Maybe i'll have better luck with
an education question. Senator Kerry, Massachusetts
has long been known as an "education" state, with many
fine colleges and learning institutions across the
commonwealth. What plan do you have for improving our
education level in the United States if you're
elected?

Kerry: Well Mike, we have all seen what lack of
funding for education has done under a Republican
government and presidency. I mean, highly educated
people are becoming disenchanted in their own jobs
that don't challenge their brain and are instead
writing long-winded emails that have no point and go
nowhere and--

Me: (coughing a little) Ahem, um, stick to the
question please, Senator.

Kerry: Our children have become dumber and as a
result, people like Janice, a crackwhore in Michigan
who I met at a Steak N Shake after a night out with
Ted Kennedy, are now turning tricks instead of
untangling trigonometry. I have a plan for education.
Education has been successful in Massachusetts,
especially in spelling, because the name of our state
is so hard to spell. You can see states like
Connnecticut, Pennsylvania, Mississippi... they all
have great spelling scores, besides Mississippi. I
pledge to reform education in states like Utah, like
Ohio, like Maine, to rename their states harder to
spell names and give our kids something tougher to
spell. I mean, President Bush's name is only one
syllable, and most kids add on an 'e' to the end
because it looks cool. I have a plan.

Bush: You know, I've been told that the "internets"
have all sorts of electronic e-mail-a-ma-jigs about my
edu-ma-cation. That's ok. I'm proud to show Americans
that you don't "need" education to become a President.
We introduced, with the help of the Democrats, my "No
Child Left Behind" bill. We're going to continue that
with my new program called "'C's' to Amaze". That
program will give C students, like I was, the
opportunity to B.S. their way out of class, to prove
that maybe that material they gotta lean just ain't
that important. It ain't! Also, my opponent hasn't
once mentioned that we can make our "internets" more
useful my deploying BOTH of the "internets". My
opponent only seems asphixiated on one.

Me: You do realized you used the word "asphixiated"
when you meant "fixated", don't you?

Bush: Just stick to the questions. That's our deal,
remember.

Me: Right. I think it's time to conclude our debate. I
would ask your views on gay marriage, however the
language that I would imagine both of you would use to
describe some of your fantasies would make this email
either undeliverable or directly into the "spam"
folder, so i'll go back to "old reliable". And
speaking of old reliable, tell me about the women in
your life again. I mean, that stole the show in the
last debate.

Bush: Well thank you Mike, and yes, I love women,
especially those who vote for me. I told America about
the time I met Laura, and how it was love at first
sight. I remember how she blew me off at first, and I
got her drunk and lied that I was a successful oil
businessman and that there was a sample of my "crude"
in the backseat of my pickup. [chuckles] That worked
everytime. I was immediately impressed that during her
"walk of shame" home from that BBQ that she didn't
immediately call me the next morning, making me meet
her parents or telling me that she loved me right
away. But enough of my wife. (mild applause). How
about my daughters? I mean dang, they are hot. Hot!
Got them twins there. Hot! You will see them in their
"twen-ties" the next four years. Vote for my opponent
and guess what, America. No Bush twins. That's right.
And if someone told me ten years ago that a woman
named Barbara Bush were hot, well, I'd have said you
were "loo-ney".

Kerry: First, I want to say how much I admire the
First Lady and how terrific I think she is. Laura is a
fine woman, and even though she didn't accept my
number I tried to give her after the last debate, I
still respect her. I told Ted Kennedy that didn't work
and maybe next time i'll offer her a drive in my car.
But last time I talked about the women in my life, I
talked about my mother. The first debate, I talked
about my wife, Teresa. Well I'd like to take that a
step further and talk about Mother Teresa. She was
quite an incredible woman and as Bonnie, an invalid
from ... [checking random swingvote state] ... Ohio
said, "I really want a woman like Mother Teresa to be
my nurse and increase my dosage of morphine." Amen to
you Bonnie, and to you Mother Teresa."

Me: Um, thanks Senator Kerry. That concludes our
fourth debate of the Presidential election. I would
like to thank... hold on a second...

Ralph Nader: Hey! Nice directions, Robinson. "Take a
left off the exit". Yeah, right! Did I miss anything?
Do I still have time?

Kerry: NO!
Bush: NO! I mean, YES!
Me: Have a great week, and no matter what you do
November 2nd, vote.

Mike

Taken for granite-- I mean, granted.

Good morning you hamburgers and cheeseburgers (RIP Little Joe Cooke, even if he's not dead yet...)

As I sit here in the Granite State, I tend to be more reflexive, pensive, comprehensive, and other words that end in the suffix "ive" and look around this great state, gazing at its beauty and its splendor. Of course I usually do this while at work which isn't a good thing unless I get a job at some state park, and at this rate, that's not all that far-fetched.

I thought of a few things which we all seem to take for granted, and decided to write about them. Those things that I thought about are words, and those words are here. And yes, some of this is recycled crap that I wrote a while back but borrowing some of Sarah Palin's milf-stick, I put a little on this ol' pig:

1. The "Snooze" button. I cannot thank the person enough who realized that not only does the average person who has an alarm clock not only not want to get up when their alarm clock goes off, but that after pressing that magical button, decided that exactly 9 minutes was "enough" in order for it to go off again. Just for that reason, for years I always set my alarm at a time ending in 1, knowing I would snooze for 9 minutes and then wake up exactly on a time ending with "0". Thus, I could tell people that I get up at a time like "6:30" or "7:00" instead of sounding like a total dork and saying "I wake up at 6:21 every mornng." I can see it now... my first item on this list and I've probably lost half of you already.

2. The phrase "you know". Everyone says it (at least those who speak English), athletes praise it, and I would easily campaign for it to be inserted into Webster's dictionary as "you know (-u `no) (adj); 1. Something people say when they just can't think of anything better to say, eg: 'I hate this place, you know?' or 'You know, um, you smell, you know?'; 2. Required language for any professional or collegiate athlete in any sentence. eg: 'You know, we played hard out there and, you know, gave it our all, you know, but you have to, you know, take these games one game at a time, you know, and then get back at it, you know, tomorrow.'" How many of us have been in a situation where we have no idea what we are talking about, stream off a bunch of gibberish phrases filled with "you know's" and then somehow got the other person to be filled with self-doubt about their own knowledge and think you're the more intelligent person? Probably none, but that's because you have to learn to use them constructively, like I did in a recent exchange with a colleague about a technology that I guess we sell here which I know nothing about. It went something like this: "Hey Mike, ever see a customer with frame relay have their DLCI framed so that the PVC channels emit a bandwidth higher than their own thru-put?" (note: after a sentence of this magnitude it is important that you recognize right away that (a) you have no idea what this person just said and (b) you respond immediately and not do what you naturally feel like doing, like pick your nose or run out of the room, screaming). Me: "Well, you know, the DLCI was framed, you know, and the customer does use frame relay after all* so, you know, it's entirely possible that perhaps* their own thru-put could have a bandwidth higher than, you know, they originally intended to have." (*-important words that mean nothing but sound cool). Of course, re-reading this sentence means absolutely nothing, and after I looked up what some of these things mean isn't even technically correct, but I walked away looking like I knew what I was saying, and I'm still employed, so why not say it, you know?

3. Getting the news on your cell phone. Those of us who have wireless toys, and I presume that based on the failure of my old company who specialized in wired land-line technology, is that most of you know what I'm talking about. Being trapped in a carpool in traffic with a bunch of people who are talking about their kids, insurance, or how much the traffic sucks doesn't present the best fodder for you to talk nor do you want to. It's easy-- just whip out the old cell phone and read about the latest news. Better yet, set the phone/pager to vibrate or ring when the news comes in, which if you get the right service is every 1/2 hour, making it look like you have an important call. Just say, "let me see who it is" and then pretend you're reading a text message or something. Pushing the buttons on the phone randomly to see if you can make a song is also fun (I learned dialing my name sounds like Yankee Doodle). Best of all, people leave you out of the conversations about their kids, insurance, or the traffic. Highly underrated.

4. Those oversized cups you get at drive-thrus or convenience stores but still fit into your beverage container in your car. A modern engineering miracle. It used to be impossible to purchase the 72 oz Huge Gulp or whatever it's called unless you were riding around in a F350 with those extra rear tires (what are those for anyway?). Now the cups are ergonomically shaped to fit into even a Hyundai Accent's flimsy cheap container (tested and proven). You almost feel guilty about filling up the cup at the 7-11, drinking half of it, then re-filling it up before you put the lid on, as if 72 oz of any fluid isn't enough for the average person.

5. Hourly "Sportscenters" on ESPN. Who cares if it is the same Sportscenter repeated over and over. I can watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back shows and still have to tune in to see something. Plus, two words: Erin Andrews. I have issues.

6. The thing near your fuel gauge on the dashboard of your car that reminds you what side of your car you need to fill your gas tank. How many of us have driven up to a gas pump only to find that it's necessary to turn all the way around because the gas tank is on the wrong side? Answer: no one. On second thought, this isn't underrated at all. It's useless. I'm having some writer's block I think. I think. Um.

7. If #6 wasn't bad enough, then this probably isn't any better. But it has to go to 24 hour breakfast places. There is nothing better than having a stack of pancakes, sausage, and some eggs, along with toast with 30 of those small little jelly things at 3am. Well actually, there are much better things you could be doing at 3am. Being a guy and having breakfast at 3am means that you probably aren't with the girl you were trying to score with all night and instead are taking your oral fixation needs out on a stack of flapjacks. But they are good. Of course, this will segue into my last thought...

8. The "Wingman". Long before Coors decided to make a pretty funny commercial about how the "wingman" (i.e. the guy who "takes one for the team" and gets stuck talking to the token fat, hideous, or totally uninteresting chick in a group of girls so other friends can try to pick up the prettier ones), the wingman in a group fast becomes your best buddy. The terms "maverick" and "cougar" are actually more common (Top Gun terms are still cool to use even after 15+ years after that movie came out). I have been wingman many times, but normally by default as most of my friends just went right for the prettier girls right away while the ADD part of me focused on stupid things, like where the bathrooms were located or what the cheapest beers were so I knew what to order when it's my turn to buy a round. My fondest wingman memory was a girl who was from Brookline who had a lisp and everytime she said the word "music" I thought she was saying the 's' word, like "mu-shit". So when she said "I hate this music" or "This music is too loud" I thought she had a foul mouth. She also danced with her "thumbs-up". Guys know what I mean by this. Her hands were in a frozen "Fonz" thumbs-up position as she moved her arms around, like she was cool. I think she danced like that to "Love Shack" which is one of the reasons I hate that song. Totally annoying, but if I remember correctly I distracted her long enough away from her group of friends some friends could take care of business. As a result, I got a couple of rounds from them as well as the chance to write this column, showing how much of a loser I was*. *- please let me use this word in the past tense. Please.

By the way, best t-shirt logo ever:



That's all folks. Enjoy your Tuesday or whenever you read this, you know.

Mike